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He is so cold!

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Unthinkable829 posted 6/28/2014 14:40 PM

Found out almost three months ago my husband cheated on me......again. It happened three years ago when he was stationed in Korea, that affair lasted for 8 months. And it was with a "juicy girl" a prostitute that doesn't accept money but drinks and dinners and a bed instead. He told her he loved her and they didn't have sex but made love without a condemn. 10 years prior he had two one night stands plus a 6 month long affair with I loves you's exchanged again. I chose to have a one night stand myself and had completely felt disgusted afterwards. But we worked through that and recovered and we both had always felt our marriage was stronger after that. We had two boys and 10 happy years. I never thought he would be capable of this affair. The level of disrespect he had towards me is unforgivable. We had both always agreed another affair would mean divorce. So when I found out this one by searching his computer and found emails and skype conversations between the two I showed him and he actually said "it wasn't me"!! He tried to convince me for a week that he let some coworker use his email and name. He lied so much and was so angry that he got caught. He cheated because he didn't think I would ever find out. And got immediately angry that he was caught and he had never came out with a confession. His lies caused me to investigate and I found out the awful disgusting truth. He not once felt shame or remorse or guilt then. Only now that he is caught. I immediately said I want a divorce and now I say separation. He says he will do anything to save us. He loves me. Not once has he shed a tear or begged for forgiveness or continued counseling. He went twice and lied to her so he quit. Now when we talk to try and sort this out he gets extremely cold and frustrated and his demeanor lacks emotion shows outward frustration. I've cried everyday since I found out. He knew another affair meant divorce yet he can't understand why I say that word so quickly. How can he say he loves me and not beg for forgiveness? How can he be so emotionless and cold and angry at me when we talk? He stopped saying I love you to me because I dont say it in return. If he was trying to reconcile why stop saying I love you to me? The level of disrespect truly is unforgivable I can't get past that plus the lies and the fact he tries so hard to minimize. He even bout her earrings for her bday. Please help. I feel if he really wanted me or loved me he would actually try harder to save us. Not get angry at me for my tears. Not quit saying I love you. He didn't even buy me a cake for my bday!!! But wants to save us? 18 years married and he never bought me a wedding band. His numerous affairs. I feel he hasn't loved me for years now when I look back. I just don't understand how he can be so angry at me, towards me,yell at me, and roll his eyes when I want to talk and say he wants to reconcile and save our marriage?? I feel zero love. He said he's sorry. He wants me to forgive but hasn't asked for it. He says he has learned his lesson this time and it won't happen again. Is there any chance of reconciling? I don't see it with his actions and words. He even asked that OW to come back to the states with him! He knew she couldn't because she didn't have a passport. But he still asked. Then he asked her to wait for him until leaves his next assignment. How can I forgive this? He can he say he loves me? I have so much hate for him. He walks around everyday acting nothing is happening life is normal. I will forget this and forgive and move forward married. Yet he yells at me when I need to talk. He has zero empathy for the pain he has caused me. That is not love. But he won't divorce me. Never once has the thought crossed his mind.

[This message edited by Unthinkable829 at 6:06 PM, June 28th (Saturday)]

Aqej posted 6/28/2014 15:30 PM

It's time to get out of that marriage. He's not respecting you and he doesn't believe you. Effectively he's calling your divorce bluff to see what you'll do before he goes through the work to make you happy. If you don't start going through the motions to divorce him he'll know he's safe to continue on his affair.

And even if you don't want a divorce do you want a marriage like that? I'd recommend browsing through the healing library but also keep posting! Pour it all out. There's a lot of people on here who have gone through the same thing. If you want more privacy write it down in a journal or a word document on your computer. The worst thing to do is not talk about it.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 6/28/2014 16:57 PM

I have to say..from what I've read here, I'm not sure he really WANTS to stay in the marriage or IF it can be saved??!! And I DO believe in saving a marriage if it can be! But WOW...telling them he loves them, and wanting to bring the one OW back with him...REALLY??!!! Lots to be considered here! Looks like he has much to work on! Prayers for peace and understanding in all this! Blessings to you! Keep us posted!

Unthinkable829 posted 6/28/2014 23:38 PM

I think you nailed it. I'm not sure if he really wants this marriage either. I don't right now. I keep saying second affairs was the straw. This was his second 6-8 month long affair exchanging I love you's. And asking the last one to come back with him and wait for him! How can he not see how I can the word divorce?! He will not move out he will not help me move out either. "I'm not the one that wants a separation!" That's his excuse for not going along with a separation. Granted we probably couldnt afford it. Though I suffer everyday looking at him. And in the two and a half years since his return he has treated me more like a roommate. Yes there is a transition period after beig apart for so long but this is two years beyond normal. I do fear he will cheat again if I stayed and if the opportunity was there. He hasn't learned from this. He didn't learn the first time. This was OW#5 that I know of. And because he got caught I believe there is probably more I don't know about. He has barely provided trickle truths with me even almost three month since Dday. And the fact he can be so cold and expect me to get past this already I can't believe he truly loves me. He loves our boys and the money and himself.

[This message edited by Unthinkable829 at 11:41 PM, June 28th (Saturday)]

Unthinkable829 posted 6/28/2014 23:47 PM

Korea is a one year tour with a mid tour vacation. He was there for 7 months came home for six weeks then return for another 4 and what is worse his affair intensified while he was with me through Skype and emails and phone calls and of course an everyday event when he got back to Korea. How if he loved me and our marriage would he not wake up with me and stop her! I believe he chose divorce when he made that division to not stop his affair.

SadInNC posted 6/29/2014 00:25 AM

I am so sorry, Unthinkable829. I hope you are reading the Healing Library in the left corner. Please 180 his ass ASAP! If he's going to wake up, that's the only thing that will do it. That, or a slap in the face with divorce papers.

Your crappy WH is disrespecting you and will continue to do so if you let him. You did nothing to deserve this treatment. It's a reflection of him and not you. I know that doesn't make you feel any better, but it's the truth.

We are here for you. Strength, girl!

Unthinkable829 posted 6/29/2014 00:36 AM

What is this 180?

Unthinkable829 posted 6/29/2014 01:03 AM

Ah I found it

Unthinkable829 posted 6/29/2014 11:32 AM

I have been doing just about everything on the 180 except for be strong and not pathetic. I am having such a hard time being strong. I feel worthless. I feel I would fail financially without him. I do work and make decent pay we just have one too many bills together. He's not willing to separate in two diff apartments. We live for rent free on base right now. He said paying rent in town on two separate apartments is a waste for 6 months at least of rent. A waste?? If that's what might possible help me heal myself to heal our marriage? He is still selfish. Asking g me to forgive what he did is selfish. He fears divorce leads to bankruptcy. Says that everytime we speak divorce. And he is set that a separation will only lead to divorce not healing for our marriage. He truly needs help on his self and he's not doig any self healing or fixing or changing. Words mean nothing to me right now. He told her he loved her and wanted her to come "home" with him and wait or him. If he can tell these ow he lives them and not by action price his love for me his words mean not big to me. I feel so lost as to who I am and hat my purpose is. I won't make it on my own. My mom has room for me and the kids and willing to take us in tomorrow. But she has no money to help me get back on my feet either. She has more problems than me I can't burden her with me. I move out NY is my destination. And I wouldn't have a job and we have no savings to help myself. I am here because financially I have no choice. The last two and a h years we haven't worked on our marriage like we needed to. And he isn't able to be honest and open and willing to work on his issues. I feel disrespected that he expects me to forgive what he did. Second affairs truly meant divorce and he agreed but since he is the was he takes those words back. I deeply feel He doesn't want this marriage for love for me it's the comfort of a "home" and "family" and of course our boys and of course the money. I'm rambling. I should just write in a journal.

doggiediva posted 6/29/2014 12:13 PM

If I was young and in your shoes with no money of my own, I would go ahead and leave my WH's butt..Poor without him is better than poor with him IMHO..
I think your WH can afford divorce, if he finds a way and makes himself able to..He can jolly well get another job in addition to the one he already has if needed..Why not rack his brain for talents that he has that he can turn into free lance work?
I think your WH simply wants to take advantage of you and the shelter and the benefits that the marriage provides..He may be too lazy to put forth the extra effort it takes to make enough money to afford rent /support himself/pay child support...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:20 PM, June 29th (Sunday)]

amanda123 posted 6/30/2014 16:43 PM

Dear Unthinkable, Firstly what an A.. your WH is, he is a selfish and uncaring person who has treated you very poorly. I take it that your husband is in the armed forces as you said that you live on a base? That he does not want to separate or divorce? Yet he had the hide to have this affair, and want to bring this woman back here? How was she going to support herself? I am sorry but my brain is working overtime here. Firstly if I am not wrong you can only live on a base unless you are married so that if you left him, he could not stay there either and he would also have to find somewhere to rent and that is something he doesnt want to do. Secondly, if you left him everyone would find out why, and he would be embarrassed and ashamed of himself so this is just to save him face not for your benefit. Thirdly I bet he was prepared to put this woman up somewhere if she could come out here on a visa, what was your WH seriously thinking? That means pay for her to be here, he would have found the money to do that. If I were you I would be keeping a close eye on the money situation make sure you know where and what money is going. I think if your WH doesnt show any signs of changing you may have no option but to leave, I know this is a terrifying thought especially when there are children involved. I would go to my mother. He will have to pay support to you for the children. Meanwhile look for any kind of job you can do to help support yourself at your mothers place. I hope that you have seen a doctor to have a check up and tests done to check for STDs and I would make my WH go as well especially if you are still sharing a bed. Keep the 180 going, I know it is hard but you need to get stronger and more confident, once you do this you will be able to deal with things better.

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