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TimeToGo2014 posted 6/28/2014 14:43 PM

Hi all...I've been lurking on this forum for a few days and just became a member. My heart literally aches for the stories you have shared.

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. From the beginning he talked about our future and spoiled me, and pretty much swept me off my feet. Being divorced with two young kids, and a few bad relationships under my belt, I thought I'd met my prince charming. However, he has a history of inappropriate relationships with other women and I have a history of rug sweeping. He is a very successful salesman and oozes charisma and charm. It's very hard not to believe him when he acts absolutely devastated and heartbroken at the thought of losing me. It's been easy to win me back and truthfully my heart breaks at the thought of not having the future we've discussed so many times.

Long story..sorry. Today I got a call from a woman I've become really close to. Our boyfriend's are friends/coworkers. She said last night her BF told her in detail that my BF has an out of town girl in their city, and that he has girlfriends in the other cities he travels to. Her BF has gone out with my BF and this OW. And he shared details to basically put the nail in the coffin.

So I'm sitting here, feeling like such a fool for not acting on my instincts and being stronger. I can't confront him with what I know, because it would 'out' this guy, and my BF is his boss. I can't go on with what I now know, but I don't know how to tell him what I know without throwing the other guy under the bus. Any ideas?

Thanks :)

Merida posted 6/28/2014 14:50 PM

you are the parent to two young kids

they do NOT NEED DRAMA they need a responsible parent who makes decisions to protect them from A-hole "charmers"

as in snake oil sellers

Glad you posted here = please I am saying this as gently as possible

you got a gift from that reveal plus you mention your instincts

be strong and dump his butt... he "acts" devastated is not the same as feeling remorse

you deserve better than an act to get you to put out - that's all he's into, you know, taking your integrity from you

don't teach your children that awful message


nekorb posted 6/28/2014 14:54 PM

Welcome TimeToGo2014.

I'm sorry you're here but glad you found us.

It's been easy to win me back

It's what we call "hoovering". They step it up and suck you back in for awhile. Then the cycle starts all over again.

my heart breaks at the thought of not having the future we've discussed so many times.

What part of the future you discussed includes him having girlfriends in other cities?

That future is already gone, honey.

Do you have access to his emails or his cell phone? Get yourself some evidence if you're concerned about throwing the other guy under the bus.

Also - you need to stop being intimate with this guy and get to the doctor and get tested for STD's.

He doesn't deserve you. Consider this another bad relationship that is under your belt and thank your lucky starts you didnt marry him.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Shields up. Fuck that guy.

[This message edited by nekorb at 2:55 PM, June 28th (Saturday)]

doggiediva posted 6/28/2014 14:57 PM

I would dump your BF without throwing the other guy under the bus.He wants to know why you are dumping him? Just tell your BF that you have some info that he is cheating.. That the source of info is a reliable one...Often these way wards will confess on their own without you having to reveal the actual source..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:00 PM, June 28th (Saturday)]

crisp posted 6/28/2014 15:10 PM

He is not entitled to anything from you except a goodbye. No need to "out" anyone.

nomistakeaboutit posted 6/28/2014 15:19 PM

Sorry you're faced with this new reality. You have been give a gift of information, and you are being very considerate and honorable by protecting the source. I fully agree that you should not divulge this source.

However, he has a history of inappropriate relationships with other women and I have a history of rug sweeping.

Your BF is continuing his pattern of infidelity and untrustworthiness. He may be charming, but he is a liar who has no respect for your feelings. I hope you will leave him immediately. You can let him know that you uncovered proof of his affairs and simply say it is a complete deal breaker for you. He doesn't need to know where the proof came from. You can either leave him wondering or possibly send him down a false trail, such as "I received a letter from your girlfriend who apologized to me profusely."

Again, sorry you're here. Best to you and your kids. They'll be better off without his influence.

TimeToGo2014 posted 6/28/2014 15:31 PM

I am so glad I decided to post here.

Just for the record - we do not live together and aren't tied to each other in any way that would be difficult to detach from (like finances). I am completely independent and my kids won't be losing a "father figure" when we break up (probably a red flag in itself,eh?).

So, the OW in question is someone who was in the picture last year - I found an email from her to him talking about them pursuing a relationship together. He totally said she must've taken their friendship out of context- after all she's married! He even sent her a NC email breaking off the friendship. But that didn't last long. I suspect he has put her contact info under a diff name on his phone. I have an idea of what I can do to approach the situation without getting the other guy in trouble.

I guess I'm just feeling like an idiot- who am I that I have lost total faith in myself to know when to stop? I'm a 38 yr old professional and have every other part of my life in complete control. It's disheartening :/

Shinypenny posted 6/28/2014 15:51 PM

You are not an idiot. You were in love. All of us are here in the same position basically. You are not stupid for loving and trusting. He is stupid. Tell him you have info. Dump him. He does not need specifics and details. You owe him nothing. Good luck and keep your head up!

doggiediva posted 6/28/2014 16:03 PM

Good luck..
I am glad that you are in a position to walk away..That in of itself helps with peace of mind I think..When a romantic interest breaks one's trust, having the ability to say and do the " I am out of here" without losing a home, a job, etc helps speed recovery..

nekorb posted 6/28/2014 18:30 PM

If you're not "tied" to this man in any real way why not just give him the"this just isn't working for me. Buh-bye." speech?

If he asks why you can simply say something in the relationship is missing for you. No need to say its FIDELITY....

He's the idiot. Not you.

Walk away. Straight to the doctor's office.

crisp posted 6/29/2014 07:01 AM

I have an idea of what I can do to approach the situation without getting the other guy in trouble.

Sure you do. Just tell him he is a deceitful liar and you want no part of him. Or tell him you have fallen out of love with him. Or you have given long thought to the relationship and trust is the thing you need most in a man. NO NEED to out the source. Don't even disclose the particular information. My guess is that you really really want to hear his response to the particulars---let it go. His lies, TT and spin can't help you.

nekorb posted 6/29/2014 07:47 AM

His lies, TT and spin can't help you.


Do you really expect that he will be honest with you if you confront him about his affairs? That's PLURAL. This dude is not worth your time and energy and most likely you will not get the response from him that you are hoping for.

heme posted 6/29/2014 08:14 AM

If you have nothing tying you to him Id just tell him that the relationship isn't working bye. No reason to tell him why its not, just make it short and sweet. Don't let him try to charm and convince you to give him another shot.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 6/29/2014 08:59 AM

Hi, Time,

I agree with the others to just say it's not working for you. If you don't set a firm stance to start and not allow any explanations from him, he will really start to pressure you into guilt, and blaming you after he feels your lack of resolve and it'll become even a bigger problem for you. BTDT in my life.

I've even had that when we stayed in the relationship and things settled down that the person turned everything around and got his revenge, by then turning the tables and breaking up with me which crushed me.

Wbf will hoover you strongly at first, then bam.

It's good you have no big ties. He's shown you who he is and this behavior of his is a critical problem. Protect yourself.

Good luck and strength to you.

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 9:01 AM, June 29th (Sunday)]

TimeToGo2014 posted 6/29/2014 12:41 PM

Thank you for responding, everyone. It's so helpful to hear a different perspective. I do feel really lucky that I have nothing to hold me back from leaving, except my heart. I feel for people who feel 'trapped' financially and the roughy of leaving and starting over is too overwhelming.

I need to go and I need to move on with my life. I don't have any doubt anymore of what might be happening when he travels- now I know. Unfortunately I have codependency issues that I've been working on for the last year, so being super aggressive is a challenging quality for me to assert. Even though I know it's very much in my best interest.

I really appreciate the support. I really need your 'push' too :)

[This message edited by TimeToGo2014 at 12:42 PM, June 29th (Sunday)]

nekorb posted 6/29/2014 21:30 PM

so being super aggressive is a challenging quality for me to assert

Firm doesn't have to equal aggressive. Although having worked through codependency issues myself (still working through them), I know that when you first start learning to set boundaries with people you tend to set them loudly and forcefully, because anything else has been ignored.

Just tell him it's over. Don't be emotional. Don't negotiate. Don't give him "one more chance".

He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

UpInTheAirNow posted 6/30/2014 10:22 AM

This is bad advise. So don't take it.
Tell him you found someone else. And he not cool with you having a boyfriend. Bye-bye. Then go NC.
In your face mofo.

Sorry about your sitch. It sucks. I'm just mad for you. Are you sure your sources are good? Will you confront him?

TimeToGo2014 posted 6/30/2014 21:15 PM

Ipintheairnow - thanks for your suggestion I'm certain of the resource. The source spends a lot of time with my SO when he's in his city and they go out a lot. The things I was told march up to my suspicions (he knew OW name and other details). I did confront SO but he denied absolutely everything. He had put her name in his phone under a guys name and said he'd change it to her name..I looked the other day and it's now under a DIFFERENT guy's name. Gah..

EvenKeel posted 7/1/2014 07:01 AM

you got a gift from that reveal plus you mention your instincts

^^THAT^^ you did. I waited for years for that sort of affirmation (stupid to wait in hindsight cause my gut knew).

I don't think it really matters what you tell him because he is going to lie/beg/cry/etc anyway. This is where YOU have to be strong and just keep walking.

If you feel you must go there and explain, I guess you could tell him that you and one of his little girlfriend's had a nice little talk. This will leave him guessing forever which one it was.

I agree, I would never out your source. They did you a huge favor. So many ppl know the truth and just sit back and say nothing. Kudos to them for telling you. That is such a hard thing to do and you never know if that person will turn on you, etc.

I know it cuts to the soul, but this really is a gift you have been given. Dig deep and do what you need to do.

norabird posted 7/1/2014 10:12 AM

Your SO's denials don't change what you know, and what you know is enough to act on. You don't need to force your SO to admit to it, you don't need to 'out' him--you may want those things, but they;'re beside the main point, which is protecting yourself by ending this relationship. Yes, it will hurt something awful, but that pain will end and will lead you into a new, better life, whereas staying with him will only lead to compounding pain in the future. Better to pay it off now than to let the interest accumulate on it.

There may be CODA meetings in your area for you to get support on letting go of your co-dependency, or you can use Melody Beattie's books for support. Knowing the problem is the first step to addressing it. You can do it. You are strong enough. You don't need him and you deserve so much more.

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