I'm stunned and sickened. We just celebrated our 30th anniversary and we have two grown sons. A year and a half ago I was incapacitated with heart failure lost my job in addition to losing stamina, focus, and zest for life, but her affair predates this. She says she's no longer sure she loves me and that she thinks she loves her new man.
I want to reconcile, but I told her she'd have to cut contact. She said she couldn't decide that yet. She did agree to go into IC, which I've been in for some time to deal with my bipolar disorder and the issues presented by my health.
All this happened four days ago, so I'm still raw. To make things worse and weird, we're about to embark on an extended trip to celebrate our 30th. She says it will give us a chance to talk things through. All I've wanted is to spend time with her, but she has been increasingly unavailable and busy the last two years, and now I know why.
I'm intensely angry at this betrayal, yet I still love her deeply. Is there any hope?
She says she's no longer sure she loves me and that she thinks she loves her new man
I got the same bullshit.
Look, be absolutely sure of one thing: Her adultery/infidelity has nothing to do with you or your marriage.
Adultery/infidelity is NOT the result of a marital failure. It is the result of a personal failure.
But a person who lies, deceives, and betrays eyes the spouse and the marriage as ideal excuses for acting like the emotionally broken piece of shit they are being.
It has nothing to do with you and there is nothing you could have done to "prevent" her doing this. She would have likely done it at some point or other.
Right now there are no consequences to what she is doing.
Give her some.
See an attorney and file for divorce right away. If you can cite adultery as cause then do so. Tell who you need and want to tell.
Then, make YOU the focus of your life. Do what you need to do for YOURSELF. Your life is NOT defined by a woman who obviously seeks her self-worth from others.
She's been seeing him for two years.
To make things worse and weird, we're about to embark on an extended trip to celebrate our 30th. She says it will give us a chance to talk things through.
Are you kidding me?! What planet is she on?! I seriously hope you refuse to go on this as it is clear she has no respect for you. Right now you do not have a marriage. Sounds harsh, but there it is. The only way to recover your marriage is to nuke the hell out of her fantasy, and if she has shown enough remorse, you can rebuild after.
You said you want to reconcile, do not focus on Reconciliation or Divorce right now. Your first goal is to destroy the affair. Unfortunately you cannot compete with her affair partner. With him life is exciting, with you life is boring. So how to you play it? You don't. You remove yourself from her little game, and start detaching from her.
If this was me in your shoes:
1. Get tested for STDs. Look after yourself.
2. See a lawyer and find out your options.
3. Implement 180. Detach from her.
4. Find out identity of her affair partner. Does he have a wife/girlfriend?
Although it may be illegal to kick her out of the house, i would pack up her stuff into boxes. If she says she's in love with him then she can go live with him now.
Implement this, see a lawyer and above all else, take care of you. Two years? Wow, heartless.
If she was unhappy, why not Divorce? Why not Marriage Counseling? Why not scream that she was unhappy to you? Nope, she chose to have sex with another guy. There's nothing *romantic* about it. She is an adulteress. Her choice, you had nothing to do with that. There were other options.
No trip. Let her go with him, you've got *better* things to do than spend your valuable time with her.
She wants the upper hand. Don't give it to her.
There is always hope. But in reality, your chances of returning to a strong, healthy marriage is zero---if she is unwilling to end contact and recommit to your relationship.
Right now, your wife is merely a liar and a cheater. Although your story and your pain are unique to you, your wife's actions are seen every day around here. She is a classic wayward in the way that she cheated behind your back, is "unsure" if she loves you anymore, is unwilling to stop seeing the other man, but in the same sense, is just fine to leave things EXACTLY like they are...with you being the part of the "normal" family life.
That, jiang, is what is called "cake eating" around here.
No matter what she does or doesn't do, you need to start working on yourself immediately. You need to act accordingly with what she is SHOWING you, not TELLING you.
She is showing you that she won't leave her other man. She is showing you that she is not concerned about you or the marriage. As much as this hurts to write, your 30 year marriage...as you knew it...is over. It can be rebuilt, with a lot of combined effort, but as it stands today, the marriage is dead.
There will be a lot of advice coming forward, but the biggest recommendation that I can give you, is to keep posting here. The more that we know, the more that we can potentially help. I know that you are in a lot of pain, but it will pass with time and effort. You will get through this...with or without your wife.
ETA--I absolutely agree with the others about not going on this trip. It was supposed to be in celebration of your marriage...which you (1) currently do not have, and (2) she is not committed to.
[This message edited by jb3199 at 9:29 AM, June 29th (Sunday)]
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
You'd feel like a caged animal. Probably a depressed very frustrated animal unable to get away.
There's alot to be dealt with here. Please take care of yourself. Keep posting here and in the I can relate thread for LTA's.
Good luck jiang.
Do not go on that trip. Honestly what is the point? Take a vacation with a spouse who is actively cheating on you and refuses to go NC with her AP? She says it will give you a chance to talk?
Talking should be done in MC imho. A 30th wedding celebration trip is about...well not that.
She began cheating on you prior to your health issues so she's proven she'll betray you in sickness and in health. See a lawyer. Kick her to the curb. You may still love her, which is normal and understandable, but you absolutely cannot trust her.
Get tough. Show her what your back looks like.
Either cancel the trip or go yourself.
She does not deserve to go with you.
You will only discuss the marriage if she gives up the bf or there is really nothing to discuss.
Your wife threw 30 years out the door 2 years ago.
She just failed to tell you.
Shame on her.
Now get tough and show her what consequences look like.
Best and quickest way to feel your self dignity come back..
She is disrespecting you big time....Shut her down....
It is hard to make big decisions from a place of vulnerability...Shut down your vulnerability with legal help if necessary...
[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:38 PM, June 29th (Sunday)]
Give her what she wants.
As for the trip, cancel it or go by yourself.
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
"Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart.
Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Blakesteele
[This message edited by UpInTheAirNow at 9:57 AM, June 30th (Monday)]
She's saying the trip is a time 'to talk' because she wants the trip. Don't go.
EDIT: Or go alone and do some thinking.
[This message edited by painfulpast at 9:56 AM, June 30th (Monday)]
Come back and respond.
I am 100% certain that the above advice isn’t what you want to hear but believe me – you won’t get a better bunch of people to help you through than this sorry bunch here on SI.
Give us some feedback and we will help you survive infidelity.
Oh… One final piece of advice: You guys aren’t celebrating 30 years together if she checked out 2 years ago… Do the math.
You are starting on a wild emotional roller coaster from hell and being only 4 days out you haven't even felt the worst of it yet. Prepare yourself. It's entirely possible that you still love her deeply and are very angry and it's also possible that there is hope.
They say not to make any decisions in the first few months and I think that this is right. You are going to be playing "catch up" on the affair for a long time trying to piece it all together.
I'm so glad that you are in IC. Be kind to yourself. Hugs.
The posters on SI are unanimous in their opinion of this vacation, and that's something I don't weigh lightly. However, based on the advice of both our therapists and my psychiatrist, we're going on the trip. But there are boundaries and expectations in place. We'll do some activities separately, but we'll also take opportunities to talk about where we want to go from here.
That doesn't mean things will be easy, or even enjoyable, but they aren't at home now anyway. I plan to take my individual time to do things I love and do some deeper thinking.
I know the SI community doesn't approve, but I haven't completely ignored your advice. I have sought out information on divorce in my state and am currently fishing for an attorney.