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Family who don't understand!

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Trying2LoveAgain posted 6/28/2014 17:56 PM

It's been 10 months now since Dday and I've been on the SI site since April. The topic I'm about to write about, I haven't talked to anyone about except my IC. I would like opinions/suggestions from people who truly understand ALL that we go through when dealing with Infidelity. When I found out about my FWH A (which happened 25 years ago & was with my former Sister in law) I was to say the least devastated! We have two grandchildren, a girl, age 15 and a boy, age 10. As you all know, your world is turned upside down when finding something like this out! To make a long story as short as possible, we told our two sons about the A and I wrote a letter to our two grown sons, explaining some things about our M back when it happened. In the letter, I also asked our oldest son and daughter in law to help us as we went through the many changes and emotions this brought on, in dealing with the two grandchildren. I knew this was going to be tough and I, as well as my husband would not be "ourselves" for some time! Shortly after that, I received the most hateful, horrible email from our daughter in law, saying the MOST nasty things she could to me about how they would NOT help in making the grandchildren understand that we were going through something very tough right now and they would NOT wait on us while we sought to recover from this and work things out! It was in Dec. 2013 that I received the email. (She couldn't even have the courage to talk to me face to face!) Since then, she has turned our granddaughter completely against us (mainly ME!) and now she won't even speak to me at all! Our daughter in law seems NOT to understand that finding out about an A is a life changing event, not to mention a MAJOR trauma in our lives! And our son has not been helpful in this situation at all either! This eats at me so bad, as I was SO close to the grandchildren before all this, and now she has taken that away! I don't know if it's because of the A and they are angry at my H for having it, but taking it out on me or what! I'm not sure if this even makes a lot of sense! I'm just wondering if anyone else has dealt with anything like this, or has any advice? It's breaking my heart to be treated like this by my granddaughter, especially when she doesn't even really know what has happened! And I think our Daughter in law, thinks I should just get over it...after all it happened 25 years ago! I think she is SO uneducated about how this affects people! (Her dad had an A on her mother about 15 years ago and everything was just swept under the rug! So maybe she thinks I should just do the same?? It WON"t happen!) Please help! I need advice here! And yes, I've talked to an IC about it, but not sure her advice is the right advice! :( If this doesn't make sense, or anyone has questions and I can clarify the situation better, please let me know! Thanks!

amanda123 posted 6/28/2014 18:45 PM

Dear Trying2LoveAgain, Firstly I would like to say I am sorry that this infidelity happened to you. I am also very sorry that your family have not supported you when you reached out to them. Infidelity is devastating no matter what age you are or when it happened. You just found out recently that your H has been keeping this secret of betrayal for such a long time. The hurt is unbelievable and very difficult to explain to someone who has not felt it. In your case it was a double whammy because it was with another family member. It makes you wonder what other secrets he has kept from you and that your marriage has been a lie for so many years. Trust is now a thing of the past, it affects your daily thoughts, it affects how you function, it affects your emotions. Of course things will be different. I think your daughter in law is acting out of anger, people react in different ways to news that is upsetting to them, people dont want to see the negative in others that they look up to. Perhaps she is taking it out on you because you were the person that brought this all to light. Your son probably doesnt want to upset the applecart so therefore is trying to stay out of it, which is no help or support to you. I dont know that I would want my grandchildren to know about this, so I would try to continue your normal relationship with them. As everyone on this forum will tell you it is not an easy road to travel on but you will get there in the end.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 6/28/2014 19:12 PM

Thank you Amanda for your reply and support! Yes, there are SO many that do not understand and have NO idea at all what I'm dealing with! And your right, for my H (as well as other family members) to have kept this secret from me for SO many years has caused a lot of resentment and anger! While my H had 25 years to process this and go through a lot of the emotions, I was not given that time! Along with the fact that I feel I was "made" to be around the (former) sister in law all that time makes me SO angry!!! My brother, who she is married to (they are just separated now...she says she'll never divorce him)also knew about all this, and he too kept it from me! LOTS of anger and resentment to work through! Along with the fact that I had been molested as a child (which I never told my H about...I now realize that was wrong) but my former Sister in law KNEW about it (I didn't know she knew) and she also did not tell my H about it (she has had feelings for my H for a LONG time)and I know she didn't tell him, because then he would have known at least "part" of what our problem in our marriage was. Anyway....back to the problem bothering me now with my daughter in law, son and granddaughter will not even speak to me at all. I have no idea what all she has been told, but my IC said that when she is older and if then we choose to tell her, she will be angry at her mother for causing these feelings between us. But in the meantime, I am missing out SO much with my granddaughter! It just feels SO unfair! ALL the deceit and lies and now this! My H actually tried to tell me a couple of times about the A, but said because he was so selfish and was afraid I would leave, he just couldn't tell me! No one knows what HELL they cause someone else to live in/with when they make these selfish decisions!

Skan posted 6/29/2014 09:47 AM

It is unfair. It's very unfair and it's all fallout from your WH's A. And, to be blunt, your DIL's stupidity and probable FOO. This is your WHs problem to try to fix, because you can't and you shouldn't be asked to. And I say try, because that's all he can do, is to try. It may not be fixable at this point in time, maybe not for a long time to come.

My personal opinion is that it's up to your WH to suck it up, get in touch with his son, and let him know the pain that he and his wife's treatment of you is causing. That you are the INNOCENT party in this deception, and to spew hatred and alienate your granddaughter from you is no different than stoning to death a raped woman. You WH needs to man up and step up to defend you and frankly, my opinion is the same for your son. (((hugs)))

Deanna posted 6/29/2014 13:33 PM

I understand completely. When I found out about husband's affair I told my mother-in-law. She called the night of d-day and knew something was terribly wrong. She told me her husband had also had an affair and she would be there for me if I needed her. She threw me under the bus after that. Refused to help me and refused to understand why I was so hurt. It still hurts me to this day. And she has been through it so should understand.

MC_Jack posted 6/29/2014 14:03 PM

Hi trying,

What did your DIL say in the letter? Maybe more details here will elicit more helpful comments.

I agree that it is your WHs mess to clean up.

Perhaps you (or others in these shoes we wear) are triggers for other BSs that have rugswept. Maybe she is a BW too?

A good article to read about the pain of finding out later: google:

Rick Reynolds, The High Price of Forgiveness, at the affair recovery site.

it maybe something to share.

sorry for your pain and disappointment.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 6/29/2014 16:04 PM

Thank you ALL for your comments and caring hearts! I find so much comfort on this site and I know a large part of it is because I know REAL people are dealing with the same issues as myself. Skan, I agree completely that my H and my son BOTH should be working on this! I think neither one want to make any further "waves", both are non-confrontational people and I think they both just think that with time, this situation will correct itself! I don't! (Also my H has told me that he has already hurt enough people and just doesn't want to do that anymore!...But what about the hurt it's causing ME?)He's even said in the past few months, that he would go to our son and talk to him first, but it's not happened yet! Oh!AND my IC has suggested the same thing...Just give it time! But I don't know~our daughter in law is "different" and can be a very vindictive person!MC Jack...I think you ask, could she possibly be a BW also? I have learned to say "Never say Never" about anything or anyone...However, I really don't think so, but...her own mother is and her parents definetly rug swept it all! And I really wonder if that's what our DIL thinks "I" should also do! Will NEVER happen! And just another..FYI..her family has LOTS of family issues that go way back! My H and I have known her family for 35 way before she and our son married! The things she wrote in the e-mail were really just a lot of petty stuff like...we weren't even fun to be with on holidays, we never stuck around after the grandkids events to personally tell them how GREAT they were, (and yes, they ARE wonderful...but to tell them that after EVERY event...and they are in a lot!)but then she turned around and accused me of not coming to their events!HUGE lie!I hardly missed anything they did! Here's a GOOD one..."I" always wanted to fix something easy when we got together for meals and easy wasn't always good in her opinion.Well #1-It was ME always having them in our home...we never got invited there...and "I" was the one doing the main cooking! She seemed to forget that I also live with a chronic back problem, have Fibromyalgia, Arachnoiditis, AND was going to nursing school the past 3 years, so umm...HELLO!!! Yea..I NEEDED easy most the time! She also said in the email, that she "understood" if H and I needed time to "work through our problems" but not to expect them to "wait around for us"! Ummm...never asked her to do that either! Yes! She IS very uneducated about A's and how they affect people, but I also think she has this mindset of this is how it's suppose to be, because HER parents rugswept! She is also a very judgemental person and has this arrogance about her that she's better than others! And she KNOWS how I feel about that kind of attitude! Our boys were NOT raised to believe that!Deanna...I am SO sorry for your hurt with your mother in law! Of ALL people SHE should understand what you are going through! And to throw you under the bus is just unthinkable! People can be so mean and cruel! You are all in my thoughts and prayers and I KNOW we will all survive this! I just wish I had been given more time to absorb and work through this all!However, because of a lot of other people's selfishness...I haven't had the past 25 years to work on it! :( PEACE to all of you! P.S. My H and I are trying very hard at R, and I have to say, for the most part he has/is doing everything he can (I guess EXCEPT this) to help me heal and he is very remorseful. But sometimes I wonder if all this is enough? I DO need prayers that I can forgive him, his AP, and others who knew about the A and never told me! The unforgiveness is eating me up because that's not who I am or ever have been! I do want that part of ME back! :(

Trying2LoveAgain posted 6/29/2014 16:08 PM

MC Jack...Thank you also for the recommendation on the article! I'm going to look it up today! I appreciate knowing about other resources...I don't think we can ever have too many! :)

amanda123 posted 6/29/2014 18:43 PM

Dear Trying2LoveAgain, When you have time read as much as you can in The Healing Library, it gives you a chance to look at all aspects and angles of infidelity, why people do it, how they try to hide it, why they blame other people for it.
I do believe that your H should be working very hard to help you through this. Why hasn't he spoken to your son yet? I would not let him off the hook, he created this problem he needs to help fix it, not that telling your son will do this but he needs to be upfront and honest about what he did to you. He maybe afraid of what your son may say to him or what he may think of him, well too bad I say, wear it. Your DII sounds like a horrible girl. How dare she say that you prepared easy meals, well if they were that bad why did you come back for more?(' ')Her complaints just sound like she is knitpicking. Please dont get upset over what she is saying she sounds very immature. Of course she does NOT understand what you are going through, because if she did she would not be saying that she wont be handing around waiting for you to get over it. She had no right to say anything to your granddaughter about this, that would have made me more upset than anything. I would ignore anything that was intelligent from her. Make your H speak to your son.

Nature_Girl posted 6/29/2014 19:04 PM

Why do the grandchildren need to be made aware of the affair at all?

doggiediva posted 6/29/2014 19:24 PM

I agree with Nature Girl...

amanda123 posted 6/30/2014 02:26 AM

So sorry for a couple of errors I made in my last post meant to say hanging around instead of handing and also ignore anything that is not intelligent that comes from your daughter in law. My H pulled up in the driveway and I hurried to finish this post before he came in, it is my private thing that I do and he does not know that I am posting here.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 6/30/2014 06:27 AM

Amanda, NatureGirl & doggiediva..Thanks again to all who are posting to help me try and figure out what to do and just being supportive of me. Our two sons already know about the A, thanks to my brother and his (wife, H's AP). They finally separated and when they did, their (grown) kids wanted the whole scoop on (both) their A's and they were SO stupid they told them! So, because we KNEW it was only a matter of time until our sons found out from their cousins, we chose to tell them ourselves.(Well, actually I told my H that HE WOULD tell them).As for the grandchildren who are by the way, (the girl) 15 and the (boy)10, they were not told about the A (well, as far as I know)but what the DIL is doing is telling them things about me that are untrue...As to EXACTLY what she's saying I don't know because my granddaughter won't even speak to me! And it was like an overnight change, so it was VERY obvious what's going on! But I'm sure she didn't tell her about the hateful e-mail she sent me! Our oldest son who is the dad to the grandkids WAS/is very upset with his dad for having the A, so maybe some of this is coming from that, but if it is, I still don't understand why it was HER who wrote the hateful e-mail, why "I'm"" the one who is under such attack here and why she would involve our grandchildren like this! Except that she does love drama and likes to run everything on her own side of the family. Maybe I just answered a lot of my own questions here! HA! I think it's past time I MAKE my H talk to our son and yes!take up for ME or suffer the consequences! I'm SO tired of all this mess and the toll it's taking on me emotionally and you all already know...It is truly a nightmare you never wake up from! Thanks again for all the encouragement..I need it!

amanda123 posted 6/30/2014 16:08 PM

Dear Trying2LoveAgain, I hope that your H efforts to speak to your son have some positive flow on effect to your DIL and then hopefully your grandchildren. Keep your chin up, you have done nothing wrong and for you to be treated like you have is absurd. can only imagine how you must feel.
Keep us posted, sending you many hugs ((( U ))) and hoping this situation starts getting better for you.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 6/30/2014 17:28 PM

Thank you Amanda! Sending you and all the others much love & peace in your lives as well! God MUST know that we are strong people, he promised that he would never put more on us than we can handle!:)

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