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Wayflost posted 6/28/2014 20:04 PM

I'm not just tired, I'm exhausted. I don't know if it's lack of sleep, the sun/heat, or just sifting through all the shit I've heaped on my life.

I'm working my ass off every day, but maybe I'm not working on the right things. I just don't know. But I want to fight. I need to fight. My BH is worth fighting for.

So what do I do? Where do I go? I'm so beyond lost.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/28/2014 20:47 PM

Well, where are you right now in your journey? What things have you been working on? What are you doing to lift yourself up? You know how in lifesaving or on a plane you have to save yourself first? It's the same in infidelity and I know it's not fair to the BS (because I AM a FBS), but it is necessary or you're just treading water and getting more tired every day.

LosferWords posted 6/28/2014 21:30 PM

Your BH is worth fighting for. It is also important to remember that you need to take care of your own mental and physical health as well. Have you thought about meditation or yoga? Something to help you focus and clear your mind, maybe?

Hang in there and keep at it. You will find your wind again.

DrJekyll posted 6/29/2014 08:03 AM

Wayflost

It sounds like you are going through a rough patch. I know that myself I can go through 2-3 day periods of that. Make sure you are eating healthily. And getting enough rest. This helps tremendously. When my BS or I get well over tired. Giving up seems like a plausible solution. But after a good nights sleep We can clearly see again what we are fighting for. Try to isolate what is bringing on this depression/exhaustion. Is it a significant date, or challenging time at work, etc. Are there external reasons that are causing these feelings?

You know the path, you know the work, and you know that this is a day by day choice. Keep digging, keep fighting. Make sure that you take care of yourself.

ThatGuyNoMore posted 6/29/2014 14:31 PM

I took what amounted to be a two-week break from this forum and from reading books on adultery because I was feeling burned out.

During that time, I focused on my issues: low self-esteem, FOO issues, and my ADHD--things that will help me to heal. I firmly believe that if I don't fix those things & find good strategies for dealing with associated problems, I will act out again. I may not have any more affairs, but I am concerned that I will just find some new self-destructive avenue.

Also during my break from reading/writing on my A, I worked with my BW on laying the groundwork for a separation agreement, should we end up separating. That helped her feel a bit more secure about her future. It also helped me to understand the depth of her insecurity and informed me on other ways I can help her feel secure without her having to ask me.

Lastly, allowed myself some mindless entertainment: watching some movies & sports, doing outdoor activities with my kids, and just generically vegging out.

I feel like I've recharged now and can get back into reading & posting on here, and returning to the A books I was reading with my BW.

timidhope posted 6/29/2014 21:48 PM

I hear you on being tired. It's emotionally exhausting to work through the messes we've made and the fallout of our poor decisions.

Whether the things you're doing are right or not, it's right for the moment and that's the best we can do. There's no crystal ball and there's no answer guide. When you're looking back and trying to improve, remember to be a bit kind to yourself too.

I hope you're practicing some self love right now. You need to recharge your batteries to keep going for the long haul.

Wayflost posted 6/30/2014 13:00 PM

Thank you all for your responses. This weekend was long and hot, and I reacted very emotionally to it. As many of you know anger is my go-to response for a lot of things. In working through FOO issues the anger has really come to the forefront. I’m angry at my parents for not standing up for me, and not protecting me. Ultimately I’m angry at myself for the exact same reasons. My phone was on the receiving end of my wrath, and I ended up getting a new one yesterday. First things I uploaded were find my friend, couple, and find my iphone. I managed to replace the old for $30, so it wasn’t a huge expense. But I should not have done that in the first place.  I’m lost and disappointed, and I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing or not any more. When BH is hopeless, I find it hard not to jump on that bandwagon.

ThoughtIKnewYa – Where am I in this journey? I’m not entirely sure what you mean by that. We are 8 months from initial discovery. BH feels as though I have taken steps to be present and involved for the last 6 months. I am in IC and MC. I started seeing a psychologist on top of everything. As for what I am working on – does everything sum it up? Seriously though – I’m talking FOO issues, anger, self-esteem, Codependency, entitlement, shame, and fear. I have an organic intellectual understanding of my whys and I am working every day to examine them deeper. The big issue is why did I self-destruct. It’s funny that you mention saving yourself before helping others… over the weekend BH made it clear that he does not see working on me as part of my efforts to aid in healing him and the marriage. Instead, to him, it feels like another example of my selfishness.

LosferWords – I no longer do Yoga, though it something I love. When my As ramped up I had started going to a late night hot yoga class, and would see APs after the class. Just this morning I noticed a studio 2 blocks from my house that is not hot yoga. I might broach it with BH since it is close, and likely wouldn’t be so late etc. My psychologist is starting with the concept of self-care as well. The only time I ever made myself a priority was during the As. It didn’t turn out so well, and so I’m struggling with it.

DrJekyll – Rough patch almost doesn’t do it justice. I have given up too many times in my life. It is not an option. Although I will admit to wishing that God might end my life for me so that I wouldn’t be the one taking the easy way out. It’s why I posted here. Sometimes the responses we get on this site are the push needed to pull myself up by my bootstraps.

ThatGuyNoMore – My BH and I created, signed, and had notarized a property distribution agreement many months ago. I posted, at that time, about how it feels like a double edged sword when doing things that provide security to the BS. I would cut off my right hand if it might give him a sense of security. The real issue is that he does not believe I’m doing what he has asked me to do, and I am beginning to believe that he does not believe I am capable.

timidhope – Self-love feels like a foreign language. I understand the concept, but I just don’t speak it. If I did, I wouldn’t be here. I don’t know how to be kind to myself. I want to be, but I just…. I don’t know.

DrJekyll posted 6/30/2014 13:48 PM

another thing to ponder

So what do I do? Where do I go? I'm so beyond lost.

What do you want to do? Where do you want to go?

maybe those 2 answers resolve the 3 question.

timidhope posted 6/30/2014 21:26 PM

Wayflost, I'm glad you have an assignment on self-care. Perhaps with progress on that you can start to not just intellectually grasp the idea of self-love but practice that too.

I speak from personal experience so please forgive me if I'm making too many generalizations. I find that if you're able to be selfish, you love yourself to a certain extent. You have to be to think you deserve something...

You'll get there...you just need to cut yourself some slack if it doesn't feel like you're there yet (that's a demonstration of self-love IMO).

We speak about our BS being worth the fight. Don't forget that you're worth the fight and you owe it to yourself, your family and friends to fight the good fight.

210012 posted 7/1/2014 21:08 PM

Just a thought about the yoga- there are some good free videos online, or I'm sure you could pick up cheap yoga dvds at a used bookstore so you could practice at home in full view of your husband. Or if the whole concept of yoga is triggering him, maybe some other sort of at home workout dvds? Pilates, or kickboxing, or tai chi... staying active is so important for the stress relief and energy!

badchoice posted 7/1/2014 21:26 PM

on the subject of self love and self care,

i found that in my case, when i started to build up self esteem, i was then able to do these sorts of things. I read 'Six Pillars of Self Esteem' and that helped me a lot.

good luck with that. self care is very important.