Thank you all for your responses. This weekend was long and hot, and I reacted very emotionally to it. As many of you know anger is my go-to response for a lot of things. In working through FOO issues the anger has really come to the forefront. I’m angry at my parents for not standing up for me, and not protecting me. Ultimately I’m angry at myself for the exact same reasons. My phone was on the receiving end of my wrath, and I ended up getting a new one yesterday. First things I uploaded were find my friend, couple, and find my iphone. I managed to replace the old for $30, so it wasn’t a huge expense. But I should not have done that in the first place. I’m lost and disappointed, and I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing or not any more. When BH is hopeless, I find it hard not to jump on that bandwagon.
ThoughtIKnewYa – Where am I in this journey? I’m not entirely sure what you mean by that. We are 8 months from initial discovery. BH feels as though I have taken steps to be present and involved for the last 6 months. I am in IC and MC. I started seeing a psychologist on top of everything. As for what I am working on – does everything sum it up? Seriously though – I’m talking FOO issues, anger, self-esteem, Codependency, entitlement, shame, and fear. I have an organic intellectual understanding of my whys and I am working every day to examine them deeper. The big issue is why did I self-destruct. It’s funny that you mention saving yourself before helping others… over the weekend BH made it clear that he does not see working on me as part of my efforts to aid in healing him and the marriage. Instead, to him, it feels like another example of my selfishness.
LosferWords – I no longer do Yoga, though it something I love. When my As ramped up I had started going to a late night hot yoga class, and would see APs after the class. Just this morning I noticed a studio 2 blocks from my house that is not hot yoga. I might broach it with BH since it is close, and likely wouldn’t be so late etc. My psychologist is starting with the concept of self-care as well. The only time I ever made myself a priority was during the As. It didn’t turn out so well, and so I’m struggling with it.
DrJekyll – Rough patch almost doesn’t do it justice. I have given up too many times in my life. It is not an option. Although I will admit to wishing that God might end my life for me so that I wouldn’t be the one taking the easy way out. It’s why I posted here. Sometimes the responses we get on this site are the push needed to pull myself up by my bootstraps.
ThatGuyNoMore – My BH and I created, signed, and had notarized a property distribution agreement many months ago. I posted, at that time, about how it feels like a double edged sword when doing things that provide security to the BS. I would cut off my right hand if it might give him a sense of security. The real issue is that he does not believe I’m doing what he has asked me to do, and I am beginning to believe that he does not believe I am capable.
timidhope – Self-love feels like a foreign language. I understand the concept, but I just don’t speak it. If I did, I wouldn’t be here. I don’t know how to be kind to myself. I want to be, but I just…. I don’t know.
"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly."