SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

StuckinBetween posted 6/28/2014 21:39 PM

Just looking for a comforting word. Can't reach out to real people just yet. I just watched an online FB chat with H and what I think is a previous OW who is married with 2 boys. I was on here about 2 years ago this month (what is it about June?). Had caught H having an a A for months. I'm numb as I write this...H had been doing the switch on me - it's what I now refer to as his mood switch where it seems everything he's been doing to me or saying to me, he accuses me of doing. But this tie its much worse as he just had knee surgery 2 days ago and is bedridden while I deal with the 3 kids etc. etc. Just had a birthday party today for my 4 year old.

Anyway, as I am sometimes tempted to do when he's being like this, I started checking up on him. Looked at his FB which I hadn't done in ages and caught them chatting. Started taking photos of their chat with my phone so that I wouldn't convince myself I didn't see what I was seeing. They were deleting the messages as they came up.

To quote "But when I'm on my bed, c*** in hand, picturing your warm firm T***...My c***in your cleavage...your smile...easy to get hard:). So thank you...again...it makes me happy"

I know TMI but I have to make it black and white...I have caved inside. Mostly for my family - I am so sad for my boys. And me.

lilacs40 posted 6/28/2014 21:57 PM

So sorry you are going through this.

Detach detach detach.

Not much good advice, just wanted to let you know you've been heard and he's an ass. But I guess you already knew that.

cliffside posted 6/28/2014 21:59 PM

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. Do you have any family or a babysitter who could take your kids tomorrow?

I know it's hard, but don't pounce yet. Keep taking screenshots. Gather your thoughts, if you can.

I'll be around a bit longer if you need support. But know you've been heard. We're all here and have been through this and you WILL be ok. Hugs and strength.

P.S.
He's on bed rest? Maybe you can go all "Misery" on his ass. I'm kidding - hoping I can get a smile out of you. Hugs.

Ginny posted 6/28/2014 22:07 PM

I am so sorry. I hear you and my thoughts are with you tonight!

SunshineSoul posted 6/28/2014 22:17 PM

Sending strength and hugs your way!

brkn_heartd posted 6/28/2014 22:25 PM

I am so sorry this is happening again. Keep taking the pictures, because of course he will deny when confronted. Detach from him. Start the 180 for you. Start making plans.

Take care of yourself and your children. It is obvious that he is not worried about any of you. While it would sound heartless being post op, tempting to pack him up and send him out the door.

Right now...make your plans on how you WANT to proceed. His repeat offense certainly can change things.

support being sent to you.

Gotmegood posted 6/28/2014 22:41 PM

Ugh. Is this OW married? I'd go into huge stealth mode, collect tons of info, and present it all to her husband...definitely. What are your plans? Are you going to confront him soon? It would be hard for me not to, but maybe you are more together than I was on DDay. Bless you, it just sucks

Kajem posted 6/28/2014 22:44 PM

(((((((StuckinBetween)))))))

I'm sorry you've had a second DDay. I am glad you found SI again.

Time for self care, take care of you so you can take care of your precious boys.

Get your ducks in a row. You'll need the evidence to refute his lies to you.

We're here for you

ETA: Awesome that you trusted your gut was telling you something was wrong.
More hugs,
K

[This message edited by Kajem at 10:48 PM, June 28th (Saturday)]

latebloomer45 posted 6/29/2014 01:06 AM

Have nothing new to add, just to tell you you've been heard. You are posting at a time when relatively few people are on SI. More advice and hugs will come later. Hang in there.

PricklePatch posted 6/29/2014 01:24 AM

I would call and disconnect his cell and the internet and print out the messages. Give him after moving half the money. I would help him while he was setting. I would shut that down period.

Hugs

nekorb posted 6/29/2014 07:51 AM

He's a straight up fuckwit.

I think I'd be bringing him cold soup and dry crackers while he recoups from his surgery.

And taking away his laptop.

Brave30 posted 6/29/2014 07:58 AM

Try to stay calm. I know that is easier said than done.

DDay #1 for me was his confession. I didn't have time to collect evidence because there really wasn't any.

DDay #2 (different OW) was my discovery. I wish I would have waited it out and collected as much as I could but I confronted him immediately with text messages. And I lost anything that I could have potentially used against him.

Keep posting here. Take care of yourself and start the 180. It is so hard but you need to do it so you can figure out your next move.

(((((StuckinBetween)))))

heme posted 6/29/2014 08:05 AM

I agree with collecting as much info as you can.. I confronted WH right away with DDay 1 and he deleted the text/e-mails/photos so I have no evidence of what happened. With DDay 2 I collected everything before confronting him. If we end up divorcing Ill need that evidence if he tries to play the victim. You never know what someone will try to do when pushed into a corner and I rather be prepared to prove things than not have the evidence. I got my children to take care of..

{{StuckinBetween}} Im sorry you are going through this. I pray you have the strength to make it through. Just remember to stay strong for your babies, they are the ones that matter.

k94ever posted 6/29/2014 11:25 AM

Dear Stuck,

What did you two do the first time you caught him cheating on you?

What are you going to do differently THIS TIME?

Past behaviors are a good indicator of future behaviors. If you rug-swept everything, then he's learned you are OK with him having affairs.

Are you? Is this the way you want the kids to grow up? Watching Dad disrespect Mom and having sex with other women?

You and the kids deserve better.

k9

StuckinBetween posted 6/29/2014 18:35 PM

Thank you all for writing. I would have replied sooner but was out with the kids. Well, I did end up letting on - couldn't help it as I was so done. I have photos of the texts on my phone and even though there's always a part of me that wants to get more evidence, I guess I didn't actually need it.
So, this is actually my 3rd D Day. And yes, the first was when my firs son was 3 months and i guess it was essentially rug swept. It was my naivete that had me believe that my utter devastation would cause him to change his ways. Ha! Jokes on me! The second DDay was 2 years ago, although it doesn't feel that long. We went to therapy, he had a total awakening, etc. etc., and he seemed to be making positive changes, but of course they weren't sustained.

Back soon. Have to put DS 3 to bed...

StuckinBetween posted 6/29/2014 19:21 PM

Back...I am working on detaching. There is a small part of me that feels relieved. Weird huh? I no longer have to fight against myself to make this relationship worse.

But what now? I am honestly considering some kind of platonic coparenting relationship and staying in the same house. Does anyone know of that ever working?

He is contrite, apologetic, etc. etc. etc. Acknowledges he doesn't get this relationship back but vowing to do everything right by me and the kids. He loves me, them etc. etc., and that his behaviour is about a sick part of him that manages to forget the impact of himself on me or them.

He is talking and talking and texting about all the things that he has been doing, the arguments conflicts, mindf*cking, etc. Trying to comfort me etc.

I had a really nice day out with the boys, mini golf, swimming.

But what next? I know for sure now that there will be no R with respect to our marriage. I don't want the boys going back and forth between two homes. I don't want to give over half my income (which he vows he would never make me do).

I am watching and waiting...

WhereIsHome posted 6/29/2014 20:09 PM

How old are your boys?

I have a 6 year old daughter. WW and I are stuck on fence right now and have been co-habitating but I feel awful mentally and a fraud. We are responsible for teaching life, family, and love examples and I don't think we are doing a great job. I hear you loud and clear though the two house shuffle is definitely sucky proposition. My wife is a good mom and DD loves us both so that is what is making this so hard.

As a betrayed it sees like there is absolutely NOTHING in it for us. Kids stay in same home but this home has so many bad memories and triggers for me now.

OakStreet posted 6/29/2014 20:41 PM

((Stuck))

My WH and I are in an informal "in-house separation" after Dday 2. No legal papers filed although I saw an attorney who said, in my state, there could be an in-house separation when you consider the financial situation.

Both of us are in IC and waiting to resume MC (he took his A underground). I just can't share a bedroom with someone who could be so f-ing cruel.

StuckinBetween posted 6/29/2014 20:50 PM

Whereis: My boys are 13.5, 9 (in 2 weeks) and 4 (in two weeks). I have had a lot of time over the last couple of years, to think about this and you are right, there is no good outcome for us BS.

Stay together and attempt a repair? I know I am not capable of loving fully after all of this.

Stay together in a co-habiting relationship? Maybe, but as you say, what about what we are trying to teach them.

Divorce? Doesn't teach them much good either. That their world can turn upside down. I have seen the blended families in action too, and it's not all that pretty either.

Oaks: you are co-habiting. Do you still consider R?

nekorb posted 6/30/2014 01:10 AM

Divorce? Doesn't teach them much good either.

In theory, I agree completely. I am totally against divorce and would have preferred to work past the affair and honor our vows. WH isn't interested.

HOWEVER, I feel sometimes divorce is teaching children that it's ok to stand up for yourself if you're being treated poorly, and that you don't stay with someone if they are abusive just to stay. you also teach them that there are consequences to behaviors.