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Speechless101 posted 6/29/2014 15:32 PM

So I've been divorced for almost three years. This site brought me through my confusion, frustrations and into the light. I have been doing a little bit of dating here and there but have noticed one big issue with myself. It's almost like I've become a guy since my divorce. I like the chase/challenge once a guy gives me his attention or you could say I "win him over" if you will it's like I get bored and just end things. I haven't been sexual with any of the men I've dated just to add that but I can't seem to figure out WHY I"m like this. Knowing myself I know I WANT a commitment but it's like I avoid it to avoid hurting myself or others. Not really sure what I'm trying to say here but it makes me wonder I was totally committed to my husband through the good, bad and UGLY. I never waivered even when I knew I deserved to be treated better.

Anyone have any advice how to overcome this, can you relate or is it just that I haven't met the right guy?

I must also add I was dating this one man who was amazing, treated me with the most respect, made me laugh, had the same values I did, I introduced him to family and friends, in my opinion was "the one" but I've come down with Lyme disease and ended it because I felt as though I was a burden on him (makes me really sick and I can't be as active as he is I felt like he deserved someone better instead of a sick girl).

[This message edited by Speechless101 at 3:33 PM, June 29th (Sunday)]

Smashedat58 posted 6/29/2014 16:00 PM

It sounds to me like you don't want to give these men a chance. Lots of the ones I have met need some encouragement. It isn't that they don't want you, they just don't want to get rejected. You shouldn't try to think for other people, but treat them fairly, and let them make choices. That's too bad about the one you really liked when you came down with Lyme. He probably really liked you. Do you still hear from him? If you do, just send him an email asking how he is? Who knows? Good luck.

Speechless101 posted 6/29/2014 18:40 PM

Thanks Smash! It's true all of the ones that I've dated have genuinely liked me and I've played the role of heart breaker. My friends tell me that all the time that I "think" for other people it's almost like I have some sort of control issue? Again, I was never like that before guess it's baggage from the divorce.

As a matter of fact it has been about eight months since I heard from the guy & in May I decided to send him a message to see how he was...he responded and said he thought he'd never hear from me again which made me sad. I really did like him so to hear him say that kind of broke my heart. We met up for lunch and I explained to him how I'm still sick and in treatment (so not very exciting to date right now). We've kept in touch for over a month now at least once a week if not a little more. Maybe the timing was off but I've learned patience especially with my Lyme.

He even sent flowers to me at work on my birthday which was four months after I had broken it off with him.

[This message edited by Speechless101 at 6:41 PM, June 29th (Sunday)]

SBB posted 6/29/2014 20:12 PM

My friends tell me that all the time that I "think" for other people it's almost like I have some sort of control issue? Again, I was never like that before guess it's baggage from the divorce.

Yeah. I thought it WS 'new' too until my IC pointed out that the way I stayed in an unhappy M for so long was projecting my values/integrity on the guy I was married to. He didn't share them and didn't care to share them.

It has now turned into something different but it's still not a healthy thing to do.

Try to examine what you're getting out of this. Be honest. Are you pulling away because of fear or are you pulling away because you are only seeking validation gained when you win them over?

I went on a pretty destructive rampage right after DD. I hurt a bunch of guys inadvertently and unnecessarily. I was having sex with the. What I was doing was hurting myself for a change. It was a fucked up coping mechanism that had 'worked' in the past.

I don't think you're trying to hurt yourself but if you are getting validation from 'the chase' then losing interest I'd say you're using an old coping mechanism with no little regard for the hurt you're causing.

Either that or your protecting/hurting yourself by ending things before you get emotionally invested. You're not ready to risk it.

Are you in IC? I'd get into it and work on this before dating again.

norabird posted 6/30/2014 11:18 AM

It is not your job to protect others from being with you, to set them free to be with someone 'better'. Let them decide for themselves. You are likely pushing them away out of fear of rejection and hurt. That's normal, but try to let it go if you truly want to forge a new relationship with intimacy and vulnerability.

It is hard to let the walls down. But don't kick people out pre-emptively because of irrational fear. You can survive being hurt again, after all--you have proved you are strong enough.

libertyrocks posted 6/30/2014 15:47 PM

me,me,me!!!! I'm diliberatly pushing guys away because I'm scared shitless of allowing another man to get close to me. I'd rather have meaningless relations that will never go anywhere because I know I can't get hurt if it's not serious. These guys, they could care less about me, I know this. That's where I'm at and I know where I'm at. I'm still scared, I'll say it loud and clear. It's ok. I was burned very badly for a very, very long time over and over again for years and not knowing what was really happening (him cheating/distance) was driving me crazy. UNTIL the wonderful day the truth came out. Wonderful, because I knew my gut was right. I guess you could say I'm used to misery and being unhappy.

Maybe you don't want those guys, find something wrong with each and every one of them, because YOU, my dear, are amazing. :) Don't settle, when you fall in love, you will KNOW it. Take it easy. I don't think it's control, I think you just haven't found "him" yet. And, sometimes, we just want them to like us, yes, it feels good, but as long as you draw the line somewhere, you're good. Plus, if you REALLY liked one of them, you wouldn't ever let him go. That's my 2 cents.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 4:38 PM, June 30th (Monday)]

Speechless101 posted 6/30/2014 19:25 PM

I honestly believe that it's that fear of getting hurt. I am open and tell it like it is whereas before I would sugar coat things so my husband wouldn't get mad at me. Now if I feel a certain way or anything I'm confident in myself and say it. Irrational fear is REALLY getting to me. I automatically think the worst when I've been given NO reason at all. sigh.

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