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Today was the same as yesterday, same as the day before. Wracked with guilt and remorse. I hurt my best friend. Exploded my marriage. Changed our lives forever.

Everyday is spent trying to come up with a reason to keep on living. Trying to figure out a reason why this world is better with me than without me.

I know I need to work on myself. I am going to IC twice a week. But I don't know how I am going to do this without her. She made me the good person I was; I made me the evil person I despise.

Does it ever get any easier?

It does get easier. The more you heal, the more changes you make, the more you can see it in every decision you make in every day life, you can know that you are no longer the person who made those choices.

Of course the knowledge of what you've done and the pain you have caused will never leave you. If you are looking for absolution, you will not find it. But you can reach acceptance and reconcile with yourself. Sometimes that is the biggest hurdle on the path to being truly healed but it is possible to overcome.

The first couple of weeks were horrible for both of us. I didn't sleep, didn't eat, couldn't work. We barely keep it together enough to take care of the kids.

Hang in there, take care of yourself, be there for your BS as much as you can.

Everyday is spent trying to come up with a reason to keep on living.

This statement concerns me. I understand the feeling, I have had it myself at times. But when I really turned a corner, was when I decided that I needed to live. For me.

It doesn't matter if the world is better with or without. I needed to learn to love me. And that is a continual effort. but it does get easier. When I get in one of those modes. I practice self-affirmations. I never thought they would help, but surprisingly they do.

I've been there, even long before waywardness, thinking the world would be better off without me and that every minute alive was so painful I just wished it would end. Eventually I hit my breaking point and checked myself in to the psych ward for a week. I didn't think it would actually help, just wanted to be able to kill myself with a clean conscience that I'd tried all the "right things" first, so my parents wouldn't wonder "if only...". It was a pretty sucky week, but with heavy meds day by day I slowly rediscovered my desire to live a happy life and a little hope that someday I might be capable of some happiness.

Not saying you're at that point yet, just... set your mind to try absolutely anything, to sacrifice your ego / dignity / freedom if that's what it takes, and in the end either it will get better or at least your conscience will rest easy, knowing you've given it your all.

She made me the good person I was; I made me the evil person I despise.

If that were true then why wasn't she enough?

So that's the tough part of this, why? And once you have your whys what do you do with them. I can get better speaking from experience, but only after a lot of hard work by both of us. Many times at the beginning of this insanity the crazy train turns on the jets and can get outta control. The key is to plan your efforts and stick to the plan, IC, books, posting. What are you doing to make it stop?

Hardlessons - thanks for the comment. I'm working hard at IC, reading, SI. I'm trying.

I don't know if BS believes this (why should she believe me at all?), but in all honesty, I am trying to be a better person.

I finally talked to my best friend about all this last night, and he said I sounded like I was just reciting typical recovery clap trap, and I was offended by that. I told him that it wasn't just lip service, that I really felt like I was broken and I needed to be fixed. It was discouraging to hear that from him when I TRULY feel that I'm on the right path. I fear that BS feels the same way.

I hope I'm on the right path by thinking that it doesn't matter what other people think, that through IC and SI, I can work on fixing this damaged person.

I hope I'm on the right path by thinking that it doesn't matter what other people think

IMO that is a good step, you need to be strong in yourself, validate yourself, love yourself.

That doesn't mean discard what others say. I try and analyze are they correct? Is it possible that they are right? Only you will know.