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the OW is everywhere

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nogoodap1 posted 6/29/2014 21:50 PM

BS responses welcome,

So not only did I have a ONS. I also imagined almost every woman I came across naked or fantasized about them in some way. Whether it be in movies, TV commercials, women walking down the street, advertisements on internet pages, Women in our neighborhood, billboards, CD covers, magazine covers , DVD covers, EVERY WOMAN!!!! I've lied about the women in my past or certain friends I've had an EA in my head with.

How the hell can my BGF go anywhere with me knowing that I used to do these things. It's like the OW is every one and every where. While it may not have been a real affair. It was in my head and still betraying my GF. So now every time I'm with my GF there's a woman in our area. In her head I currently am fantasizing, regardless if I am or not. It would be like a BS having to be around the OW every time. Or think of it as you fantasizing about a man/women you work with and your spouse has to be ok with you going to work with them every day. And you can't change jobs. Much less like you can't get rid of all the women on the face of the earth.

Has anyone else dealt with this? and how did you make it better for your BS?

bionicgal posted 6/30/2014 08:02 AM

Nogood,
I take it you have been working to change this behavior and you currently aren't engaging in it?

I had kind of a similar experience with my H in that he did fantasize about some of our acquanintances/friends, some of which I know about, and others I don't. So, for a bit after dday, I was always thinking about it. But, that didn't last forever. Your BS needs to know you are safe, so keep working in that direction. That is the bigger issue. Worrying about whether you fantasized about the grocery store clerk will pass in time, because it is kind of meaningless anyway.

Of course, this assumes you aren't still doing it.

nogoodap1 posted 6/30/2014 10:20 AM

I am essentially white knuckling. I'm reading a 12 step book by a SA therapist. I'm doing recovery nation. I'm also starting IC by a CSAT next month. But while I'm not looking and I really don't want to. I still don't know where it stems from. So I could slip up if I allow myself.

But even though I've stoped. its still every woman is essentially the ow. Just cuz your SO stopped the affair doesn't mean when you bump into the AP it's not a trigger. Well for my gf that is every woman she is near with me.

bionicgal posted 6/30/2014 11:36 AM

Just cuz your SO stopped the affair doesn't mean when you bump into the AP it's not a trigger.

Correct, but it is important that you are being safe now, and that she sees that. It will take time to generalize that for her -- lots of time of you being safe.

Have you asked her what would make her feel safe in those situations? If there is anything you can do, right then? Somehow we have to get her out of triggerville, and you guys need to try to connect as best you can. Can you hold her hand? Look at her in the eye? Giver her a verbal reassurance? What does she say would help? (Besides eliminate the female race?)

210012 posted 7/1/2014 19:26 PM

As far as you looking at any and every random woman sexually... even setting aside your betrayed's feelings, it isn't a healthy way to look at women, for your own sake and for the sake of the women you stare at. It is disrespectful and will prevent you from making genuine appropriate human connections if you interpret every friendly gesture or word as a come-on and every distancing boundary-setting action as sexual rejection. Personally I think the way you fix things with your betrayed is to fix yourself to not see women this way. Consistently act and speak from a new, appropriate point of view, and gradually she'll feel more secure. There is no quick fix, when the problem is not the existence of other women but entirely your own thought patterns and lack of boundaries.

I've been that woman, stared at, followed, wolf-whistled, groped... it is an unwanted unpleasant intrusion that has often scared me or triggered the memory of losing my virginity to rape. For you it might have seemed like harmless fun, and you might interpret shy nervous smiles as playing coy, but these other women may be internally panicking, smiling to avoid crying. Just one opinion, another thing to think about when you see an attractive woman walking down the street.

Lostinthehills posted 7/2/2014 18:32 PM

Nogood

Be strong brother! and ask yourself...Was I really happy when I was cheating? It took me over twenty years to ask myself this and of course the answer was no, I was miserable. The really great thing now is I can have a platonic relationship with women now without fantasizing about them...I see women in a different light now be it t work, church or social situations.
GG on your realizing this!!!

plainpain posted 7/2/2014 21:13 PM

This has been my experience with my WH. He flirted with everybody, he fantasized about everybody. He didn't have a type. He reduced women to body parts.. lips, eyes, breasts. He did this for years coupled with a huge porn addiction. For him, it ended when his AP got pregnant. He bottomed out. He has an OC, I have herpes, and he never wants to think about another woman ever again.

I think it is like any addiction - I personally am breaking an addiction to cyber stalking OW. I know it is only hurting me, but I haven't fully stopped yet. So I have to ask myself, what's in it for me? What am I trying to feed? We CAN control ourselves. We CAN retrain our thoughts.

It took my WH awhile to really break free from the flirting and the KISA behaviour, but he really has. He never looks at porn. He gave me his iPhone to smash, and he now has no cell phone. He has made drastic lifestyle choices to support his decision to change his "habit".

He sees women as people now - not as objects for his own sexual gratification. He feels like he has been liberated.... as in, set free from a prison of sexual urges.

So, it is possible to have a transformed life. I think it is a daily choice for him, but he wants to vomit at the thought of going back to that old way of going through life.

And I don't feel paranoid of every woman I see. I did, but not any more. So it is possible to heal from that as a BS as well. I feel respected by him everywhere we go. I am never going to have blind faith in him again, but I do 'trust' him today. Trust, but verify.

plainpain posted 7/2/2014 21:23 PM

Upon re-reading, I see your question was really about how to help your Bgf. For me, it was about the level of commitment my WH demonstrated in his actions. He actually did quit his job. We sold our house and we moved. He is fully transparent, honest to the point of pain. He never, ever disrespects my choice to forgive him by flirting or ogling other women. He gave up porn completely. He turns his head or the channel if there is sudden nudity or anything sexual on t.v. He makes love to me with his eyes open. All of this helps. It is a lot, and even then it is still hard to heal from, but it helps.

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