((suckstobeme)) -
Thank you, very truly, for taking the time to respond, and for your kindness and insights. I really appreciate it...!
I know, I'm not in control right now, at all. I know that still talking to him everyday right now, even about random day to day stuff keeps him in control, keeps me as 'an option' I guess. I'm still giving him advice on gigs, money, how to reply to people. He's still utilizing me. But we still have this business we own together.
I also feel like talking to him gives ME some control too. Not that he's going to change, but I can still somewhat guide the way things go down. He always takes my advice because he thinks (knows) I'm smart. Even as I'm playing dumb / not bringing up that I know who he's talking to etc., it makes me feel like I am navigating him and the situation to a certain extent. At least until I know and feel comfortable filing and moving ahead with that. If he's playing me right now, I can play him too. And if I can get past the hurt/sadness emotions and get to the anger, then I can navigate the divorce process and come out better for it.
Cause you're right, he's not doing anything to show me he wants me or the marriage. Its like he's waiting for me to come back around, crawl back into the darkness and let him have his cake and eat it too. I can't tell if any of these other women he talks to / hangs out with are "friends", or if he's trying to be romantic with them... perhaps lying about me and where we stand - I probably will never know unless I contact them (and even then they may lie, but worse I look like that lunatic wife that calls his friends!) He's probably telling them I'm a terrible wife, wasn't there for him, he wants out but doesn't know how to say it... probably all the typical crap a cheater tells a OW.
I have been seeing an IC, but I don't seem to benefit much from it. It hasn't helped me make any decisions. In fact I felt more stuck in limbo seeing them.
As for the lawyers, they computed that he could get $1k/mo for 2-3 years, if he succeeds. Chances are he could, just based on incomes, in our no fault state. Of course, I could argue that he has high earning potential himself with talent he's not utilizing because he's lazy and drinks everyday. But that means lots of legal fees and time to fight it through to the end. Someone told me to just file without a lawyer, then if he lawyers up and asks for support etc, then lawyer up too and fight, but wait for him to go that route first. Don't know if that's a good idea...
And maybe this is my gutted self-esteem talking, but I don't feel that smart or capable right now. I hate my job because I don't feel like I'm successful at it. But I don't know what I would be successful at. I don't have an advanced degree. I've bounced from different jobs and industries my whole career, so I have no direct career path. And as I said, I only took this job as a way to get us to a different/better place, I never planned on it being long term, or saw a career path in it for me. I essentially put my chips into my WH, to make him my business (which I have been doing for many years) to be 'our' business, and to make him successful. It was nice to do that for so many years, travel around with him and take care of his business - we were a freakin team. Or so I thought. Now I feel like an old appliance. I don't feel confident at all.
The thing is, some years he made good money, consistent jobs etc. The last few years he wasn't, and it was becoming frustrating that he wasn't stepping up. So I felt I had to. To take one for the team. Turned out he was quite comfortable staying out late, napping all day, and letting me do the work. He told me in MC he was 'comfortable' where we were. Yea I'm sure he was, now that I know he also was getting some on the side.
See, and now I feel angry again! Why can't I stick to that?! I've been rallying my troops (a few close friends and family members) for months now, and they all want me to get out and file. They all see the toxicity for what it is. I do to. But these emotions are so damn hard to get past.
((sparkysable))-
I/we have no kids, luckily. I mean, I know I should feel lucky because that frees me up, gives me more choices. Yes I could move anywhere I suppose, and I've been considering many places. I/we just moved here last year for this job I got (to get US in a better place) and the only thing I can really think of is moving back, to where I was comfortable and its familiar. It won't be the same, and he'll be in the same area. But at least I have a couple friends there, some connections, and could start over. Some tell me that's a good idea, others no. But the idea of staying where I am makes me feel sick, like it's tainted by everything that's happened this past year. And the idea of packing up and going somewhere new, where I don't know anyone, feels like I'd just be more lost then I am now.
But yea, it is a pattern, I just didn't know until 8 months ago (after 10 years)... as I mentioned, he's a somewhat famous musician. More like a semi-well known side guy that has famous friends. And this is how a lot of these guys are. Philanderers and alcoholics, traveling the world with girls/groupies ready for them in each city, with the wife at home taking care of biz. Is that how I want to live? Hell no. I was always under the impression he was loyal and faithful to me. Turns out I was dead wrong. And when I started asking him to step up and be responsible when he was home for a while, he upped his philandering game - told me he thought he could be a gigalo, thought he was losing me and just went out to replace me. Yuck. At first he claimed it was just the one OW, and only time he cheated our whole relationship. Then I found out there were others. Then I found out there were others in the past. Then there were hookers. It's all so sickening I was so naive.
[This message edited by alleyk at 7:18 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]