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Numb2014 posted 6/30/2014 00:37 AM

The pain is unbearable. I provided concrete proof to him. He laughed in my face. Didn't admit but basically said screw u u drove me to this.

I'm paralyzed. Just paralyzed. He loves her but he refuses to leave. Said we should be nice to each other "for sport".

Oh my god I'm just sick.

annb posted 6/30/2014 00:51 AM

Hi, Numb, he is doling out a special kind of that you do not deserve.

Are you doing the 180? Do not engage with him unless it concerns finances or the kids, and even then keep the conversations short and to the point.

You did NOT drive him to this. He is an adult who made a CHOICE to cheat.

BTW, is the OW married?

Save the proof, keep extra copies in a safe place in case you need it in the future.

In the meantime take care of yourself as best as you can, be sure to drink water, eat a bit and get some rest.

Make an appt. with your doctor to get tested for STDs asap. If you cannot cope, discuss with your MD for some temporary medications to help you process this nightmare.

DO NOT BEG OR PLEAD with him. Didn't you mention in your first post that he will be out of the house within 30 days? In the meantime, he can sleep on the couch, in the basement, anywhere away from you.

DO NOT do his laundry, cook his meals, nada, nothing, stop right now. He wants to play this game with your life and your children's lives, let him do it all by himself.


nekorb posted 6/30/2014 01:00 AM


This time last year I was curled up in a ball on my bedroom floor sobbing over my WH's decision to leave the marriage - I didn't know about the A yet.

It gets better. I promise.

Right now just get through the days as best you can. Drink your water. EAT. Take care of the kids.

Thank your lucky stars he's choosing to leave the house in 30 days. I know it seems fast and you can barely take it all in. You'll be glad in the end.

it's going to be OK.

180. Trust us on this. It may counter-intuitive to the way you've acted the entire rest of your marriage. Embrace it.

He doesn't deserve you.

EZ24get posted 6/30/2014 01:04 AM


...everything annb has given is great advice. You've found The Place for figuring out how to navigate this hell...people here are awesome!

Even still, sorry you now know this obliterating pain too... ((Numb2014))

Numb2014 posted 6/30/2014 01:06 AM

No he refuses to leave. Said I'm treating him like property. Said he's fucked. See, I am the breadwinner. He doesn't work. He doesn't have income. My income was his income. God the texts just keep getting worse. He's heartless.

amanda123 posted 6/30/2014 02:42 AM

Dear Numb2014 why doesnt he work? He obviously has had way too much time on his hands while you have been working your backside off. I dont know your whole story but if he is not at home looking after your children then I would make sure that when he left the house the next time I would change the locks. Kick his backside to the kerb. How dare he treat you like a doormat. If the house you are in is in your name or the lease is in your name you could get him removed from the property by the police. I know that this seems very extreme, but if it gets to that point just know that you can do that.
Tell him to go and live with the woman he is screwing around with and she can support him.

Numb2014 posted 6/30/2014 03:32 AM

I have no one. I'm haven't a dreaming breakdown and I have no one.

Numb2014 posted 6/30/2014 03:36 AM

Amanda-he's a full time nursing student. The military pays him to go to school. But his pay is equivalent to full time minimum.wage he loses that benefit in august. Which is why im a bitch for kicking him out eff aug 1. I called the police dept. unless he hits me, they will not escort him off the premises. I have to evict him. The apartment is in my name solely. He's just listed as an occupant, but according to the police, he's developed "standing", so I have to evict him.

nekorb posted 6/30/2014 07:49 AM

Do you have an atty Numb? If not you need to get one. Protect yourself.

Numb2014 posted 6/30/2014 07:56 AM

Nekorb, we're not married. We divorced about 2 years ago. I have custody papers and child support papers already.

Plinker77 posted 6/30/2014 09:13 AM

So sorry. I am praying that you heal and find peace.

Numb2014 posted 6/30/2014 09:31 AM

I'm at a computer now so I can type more. Basically, he laughed in my face when I presented him with my evidence and said that I am the one who ended it so he doesn't knwo why I am digging. He still says he does not have a GF, even though I showed him the email where she says "Love you baby!". My brother said its because he is using her to and he doesn't view her as a GF. he basically put this all on me. I did this. I did that. I said this. I said that. WE both hurt each other, blah blah blah, and his attitude was basically "sit down and stfu, I aint going anywhere". I told himt hat I will be filing eviction papers today and I will give him until aug 1 to move out. He said I cannto throw him out and make him homeless, he has not income, etc etc. I told him his choices did this, not me. I didn't got out and get me a boyfriend the moment things got hard. And lets be honest, every single time I lashed out at him and called him names or told him I was done, it was because I found a text, or a picture, or something. He laughed at that and said "You say that was cheating, I say it was me being friendly or playful". Callous and heartless. After 14 years together and 2 kids. So, he is basically determined that he is not leaving, and if I make him leave, then I am a cold hearted bitch.

I hate my life. I have told his family so hopefully they will step up and help him get his own place.

Holly-Isis posted 6/30/2014 11:12 AM

So wha if he calls you a cold hearted bitch?

Like I tell my kids...if someone calls you something, does that make it true?
Not in my book.

He's a cold hearted bastard. What I see here is a woman who tried to do right by her kids and has been blocked by a selfish SOB. He's been all about what he can get from others. What I call an emotional vampire. In this case a financial one too.

Be thankful you still are D from him and can evict him. It will be 30 days of extremely painful living but there's an end point. It's not forever. Eventually he will have to suck it up and take his medicine. Let the OW float his free loading arse.

Go to the Healing Library (the left of the page) and read BS FAQs #11. Start the 180. Don't wash his clothes, cook dinner for him or do any of the wifely duties you've likely been doing. He's not your partner anymore. Practice NC. Communicate with him through email and text only. This gives you two advantages: proof of what was actually said and time to consider your communications before they are sent. Question yourself- is is about the kids? Finances? If the answer to both those questions is no, don't initiate or respond. No matter how tempting. You'll want to share your feelings. Don't. If he cared, he wouldn't be doing this.

Instead, try to look at him like an alien has invaded the body of the man you thought you loved. On the outside he's the same person, but the inside has been rotten away and replaced with a cruel stranger. Act accordingly.

Be prepared for him to try and suck you back in. Remember, it's ok not to respond. It's ok to say no and consider that a full sentence. His words will mean nothing because his actions keep showing you where his values really are. His heart is focused on himself. That's it.

Prepare for a 30 day siege and make plans for it not to go smoothly.

I'm sorry you're going through this again but you ARE strong enough to survive. Concentrate on what your life will be without the pain and stress being with him is causing you.

And read in the S/D forum. They help so much in dealing with people like him.

J121 posted 6/30/2014 11:27 AM

Oh Numb.... I'm new here so don't have great advice, but you seem to have already gotten some here. I'm just giving you a hug because I know how much it hurts.

yme32313 posted 6/30/2014 11:33 AM

Crying is the worst. I know that time will come but it doesn't happen overnight. Years maybe!

Numb2014 posted 6/30/2014 11:35 AM

My brother is concerned for my safety. xbf has PTSD that was never treated. about 3 weeks ago, he came to me crying and then, like a switch, when he looked at me, the look in his eye was pure evil...pure hatred. He told me it takes all that he can to not take his life. My brother feels that once I give him his eviction notice, that i need ot leave and stay elsewhere for 30 days. Leave MY HOUSE, that is in MY NAME ONLY, so he can bring his gf there??? But, I do not know what he is capable of physically.

Can I just go to sleep and not wake up until he is gone?

Holly-Isis posted 6/30/2014 12:02 PM

Next time he threatens suicide, call 911.

Keep a record of any threats, consider having a VAR on your person at all time, regardless of legalities. Report anything threatening. You want a paper trail and proof of any risk he is to you.

ETA- be sure to have set check in times with a specific person or people. Have a code word you can say or text if you feel you're in danger. Think about allowing them access to your phone's location through whatever your "Find my Phone" account is, if you have one.

If you really think you're in danger, get a second, pay-as-you-go phone for emergencies.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 12:05 PM, June 30th (Monday)] posted 6/30/2014 12:19 PM

He sounds like the sort of person you shouldn't have in your life.


What an arsehole

allusions posted 6/30/2014 12:34 PM

He's being a cruel jerk. He's going to school to be a nurse? He doesn't have the temperament nor the personality to be an effective nurse.

It sounds like he might get really nasty during this eviction process. I'd suggest taking any of your valuables someplace safe (to a friend's, relative's, a safe deposit box) because he might take things or destroy things. He might destroy things of sentimental value to you as well.

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/30/2014 14:17 PM

(((numb))) Try to take care of yourself. If you haven't seen an attorney, GET ONE. If you don't have a therapist, GET ONE. Drink plenty of water. Treat yourself as kindly as you can. You don't have to decide anything today, but you do need to know what your options are.

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