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Should I tell OW husband?

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Alwaysacheater74 posted 6/30/2014 07:26 AM

I have struggled with this from day 1. Do I or don't i?

In my mind I feel I have taken the high road. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that I think about it. Or not stooping to their level and ruining her child's life like she ruined mine. I firmly believe that eventually she will pay for the A in other ways - why would I want to be a part of that revenge? It makes me no better than WH and OW in my mind. He is the issue not her. And also, if I did out her wouldn't it just open the door for more drama? How will she retaliate? Will it just push OW and WH together if I did this? And do I even care? I don't believe she is a terrible person. I believe she got suckered too in some way. My gaol is to protect my kids at all costs. I can't control her behavior or my WH's but I can control mine and part of that is knowing that I don't want to do anything to put my kids in the crossfires. Ever. I do know this - I am done with him and should I make this my last hurrah or should I just not "poke the bear?"

Does anyone have any advice or experience with this? Did you out the AP and regret it? Did it open the door for an all out war - which I want to avoid?

Sleepingbeauty posted 6/30/2014 07:32 AM

Good question and one I'm wrestling with myself. My stbxh AP has told him her BS has terminal cancer and she has told him about their affair. I don't quite buy any of it but am trying to find out if he is indeed sick. I feel he has a need to know same as I do. They are destroying our lives, but I would not tell dying man.

Alwaysacheater74 posted 6/30/2014 07:38 AM

I am curious sleepingbeauty. Why is it important to you to do this? I am trying to be a better person than both of them. I feel I don't owe OWH anything. If it is going to upset MY life in anyway (already more than it is) I would rather not do it. I refuse to take part in the ruin of someone's marriage - I think that will happen in time on its own and keep my conscience clear. BUT why can't I stop thinking about it?

rachelc posted 6/30/2014 07:46 AM

I refuse to take part in the ruin of someone's marriage - I think that will happen in time on its own and keep my conscience clear. BUT why can't I stop thinking about it?

SHE is the one who has ruined her marriage, not you. You are just telling the truth to the BS about what is actually going on in the marriage.
He deserves to know.
My conscious would not be clear knowing I had this awful information and keeping it from someone else. To me, that means the person who knows is also in kahoots with the cheaters. Don't be that person.

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/30/2014 07:49 AM

Do it.

I told OM's live-in girlfriend and he stopped bothering my xWW after that. He became too busy with his own problems at home.

She was thankful that I told her, even after I said that I didn't do it for any noble reason. I just wanted to hurt OM back.

She insisted that she preferred to know. I also would've liked to have known earlier and not have lived a lie for so long.

So yes, do it.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/30/2014 07:51 AM

OW's BH knew before I did, for years before I did, and I'm PISSED he never told me. They were pretty much done with their divorce when I found out on D-Day.

I can totally see your point of wanting to protect yourself and not bring drama into your life, but I would call you an accomplice right now. He needs to be told. PLEASE, TELL HIM.

Alwaysacheater74 posted 6/30/2014 07:56 AM

Believe me rachelc I think that is why I am struggling with it. Then I tell myself I owe neither of them nothing. She didn't ruin my family - my WH did. I intend to hold him fully responsible to the very end. And in hindsight I found too many other red flags and possible other "indiscretions" that probably happened. So I just think that if it wasn't her it would have been someone else. I am not sure I can live with knowing that their kids will suffer for my own revenge. And I don't want my kids to ever know who she is. I can't guarantee this either way but feel I have a better chance of this if I just ignore, forget and heal. AND I know their marriage is very rocky anyway - would probably be only a matter of time before it combusts on its own. Without me getting my hands dirty.

Gman1 posted 6/30/2014 08:48 AM

Alwaysacheater, I kind of understand your mindset to a degree but my personal stance on the issue is 180 degrees opposite. It appears that you WH's A is still ongoing. One of the very best strategies to kill an A is to expose it. A's do not like the light, they are dirty secrets based on lies and sneaking around and thrive in the dark. Exposure is most likely the best trump card in your hand and, if used correctly, would most likely kill the A once and for all.

The most important thing for you to realize is that their A is not your secret. Actions have consequences. You telling the AP's wife is not revenge per se. It's just telling the truth and the spouse deserves to know the truth. Always. Wouldn't you appreciate and respect somebody who had enough honor and dignity to tell you if you didn't already know about the A? I know I would have really appreciated it if somebody had come to me in confidence and told me about my WW's A. Being a BS, I now see it as my duty to tell should I ever be in the situation in the future.

I would not worry about the AP's children and any damage you telling may cause. The two people having the affair are the one's who are responsible for any turmoil. It was their actions that caused the problem not yours!

sparkysable posted 6/30/2014 08:54 AM

Yes, he has a right to know. Make sure you have proof though, because sometimes the AP's have prepped the BS that some crazy person is trying to start trouble.

I wish that someone had told me. I was living a lie, I would have liked to have known that.

Alwaysacheater74 posted 6/30/2014 09:06 AM

Oops I forgot to add. The A is over - I am fairly certain of it. He wants me back. I am done. He has too much to lose now. But after the D is done us my main concern. IF in the future they end up together - I don't really think I would care. And if that happens I don't want my children to suffer. There is always a chance of it happening. If I tell will it give my WH false hope that I actually give a crap about him? Because that is something I def don't want to happen. So I know me telling would be purely vindictive reasons on my part. Not a good healing mindset per IC. And personally if I tell and OW and her H divorce would it push her towards my WH again????? Which ultimately pushes her towards my kids. Like I said "don't wake the bear" to keep her out of my post divorce life. Once my WH is divorced he has no use for a married woman after all.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 6/30/2014 09:11 AM

Cheaters lie and liars cheat.

OW is married and although she may have painted a picture of a marriage in shambles, her husband may have another idea. It's possible that telling him will burst OW's little bubble where she gets to cake-eat.

Also- you talk about being better than WH and OW, wouldn't a better person tell the truth? Not hide other's secrets? OW is putting this OBS at risk, a risk he may not even be aware of. I think it's important to tell.

brokeninfl posted 6/30/2014 09:12 AM

I do understand where you are coming from, but I wanted to be one more to weigh in on the "tell" side.

I am not sure I can live with knowing that their kids will suffer for my own revenge

No, her kids wouldn't be suffering for your revenge -- they would suffer because she is cheating on her husband -- not because you told the truth.

My XWH's AP wasn't married/dating - so there was no one to tell on my end. There were people ( some of WXH family members, some of his "friends" -- one of my neighbors etc.) who knew and didn't tell me. I agree -- I'm pissed - and cut them all out of my life as soon as I knew they knew and didn't say anything.

I would feel complicit in their affair (especially since it's ongoing) if I didn't tell.

painfulpast posted 6/30/2014 09:15 AM

Then I tell myself I owe neither of them nothing

Wow. OK, if he had discovered the A, would you appreciate him telling you? You may not 'owe' him a thing, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't like to know the truth, just as you wanted the truth. As a human that has experienced this level of betrayal, you know the confusion of a spouse that knows something isn't right but can't quite put their finger on it. As you've been there, isn't the compassionate thing to help someone else out of that situation?

Also, its widely known that exposing the A to the other OBS greatly reduces the risk of it continuing. BOTH spouses are know in the loop. BOTH WSs are now being held to account. Right now, you have an OW that may still be trying to contact your H. Or waiting to do so. After all, she's still free to do whatever, and that has meant meeting your H. Why stop now? She's not accountable for her actions.

I told immediately. It stopped ALL contact. She was still trying to contact my H to 'find out what was going on'. Once OBS knew, that ended. She was accountable on her end.

The main reason I told was because, had he discovered it, I would most definitely have wanted to be let in on this 'secret'. I wasn't going to help her continue to cover her tracks. I was exposing her - to shut her down, to give him the truth. I wasn't 'ruining' anything - the truth never does.

There are many reasons to tell. It doesn't increase the drama, it ends it. You give OBS the truth. You make AP accountable.

If you're considering it - do NOT tell your H. He most likely WILL contact AP and let her know. She'll tell her BS that you're crazy, jealous, it's all a lie, etc. It's very common - happens in most cases.

Just ask yourself - if he had discovered this, would you want him to tell you. That's your answer.

I think I can posted 6/30/2014 10:17 AM

I kept silent, and the affair continued.

I told the BH.....and the affair ended. (OK I might also have told the entire world. ) Heck, I was kicking him out--I'm pretty sure people were going to notice something was wrong.

SimoneDB posted 6/30/2014 11:58 AM

Yes of course you should tell OW's husband. He has a right to know that his wife is lying, cheating, and putting him and their children at risk of emotional, physical, and economic damages. He has a right to know what is going on in his own marriage so that he can make informed decisions about his own future and that of their children. Telling OW's husband is not an act of revenge. It is an act of human decency. It is an application of the most fundamental of all moral imperatives, the golden rule: do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

Alwaysacheater74 posted 6/30/2014 12:14 PM

I am leaning towards not telling because I just don't want to stir the pot. At least until the divorce is completed. I would rather remain amicable I think to get more from him for my kids and I. The A is over and everyone is quiet and calm and drama free right now. It has been great. To go back to fighting and talking about it is just too much to take and would probably be like another DDay to me. I am in a good place right now mentally - well mostly but I have my days. This would just give her a reason to reach out to him and break NC and possibly get back together. And besides the kids the important thing to me is to not give him hope because I am done. Getting entangled in it again would look to him like I can't get over him...he is very convincing to others and tells good stories obviously.

seethelight posted 6/30/2014 12:20 PM

Please Please Please tell the spouse.

He needs to know the truth of the person he is married too.

I found out by anonymous letter. I feel that the person who sent the letters and follow up letters did me a huge favor.

It's terrible to be living a lie, and not know it.


It's a tough thing to do, but in the end, it's the only right thing to do.

For my part, I knew my wayward husband was acting odd and out of character, but I blamed myself or work stress or whatever.

A person CAN NOT fix something, if they do not know it is broken.

Telling him gives him a chance to try to save his marriage.

Right now the poor guy is in the dark. Perhaps he is blaming himself, like I did.

Also as others have stated the cheating wife ruined the marriage. You did not.

[This message edited by seethelight at 12:21 PM, June 30th (Monday)]

BetrayalHurts posted 6/30/2014 12:20 PM

I took the high road for over two years and the MOW continued to pop up every now and then....when I finally contacted her H she flipped a gasket far.....has not contacted my WH since. My vote goes to telling him.

Sleepingbeauty posted 7/1/2014 18:14 PM

I found out OWH is truly ill. I do not feel like I need to tell him. She claims to my STBXH that she already y did and that may be why she is at my house every night.

This puts the whole A and my STBXH and his AP on a whole other level of scumbags. If I didn't know it to be true I wouldn't believe it

h0peless posted 7/1/2014 18:28 PM

Not telling the other spouse isn't "taking the high road". It's rolling in the mud with the cheaters. It's being complicit in their lies. It's enabling the affair. Taking the high road is letting someone know why things haven't been right in their life, why people are looking at you with pity in their eyes.

I really wish people (specifically my ex in-laws and her co-workers who knew about and enabled her cheating YEARS before I knew) had said something to me. I might not have wasted quite so many years of my life.

[This message edited by h0peless at 7:30 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]

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