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deal breakers? Am I catastrophizing?

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Merida posted 6/30/2014 11:30 AM

well today is the last day of June. I have been waiting 6 months for 3 requested items from WH

1.a more complete apology (got a draft since it was a MC assignment... nothing since and the verbal "I'm working on it")

2. a timeline... doesn't have to be day by day but really I want him to help me build this better understanding of the whole picture since I really blame his compartmentalizing for allowing this mess to continue for so long before the two worlds were obviously colliding (she'd bought the house with his down payment of course and was pestering "when you moving in?" duh = of course that sent him to counseling since he couldn't deal with the dissonance)

3. a NC letter ... this is the biggest bugaboo for me. I had the OW show up at my house, you know, to speak to WH about the OC (right... that could've happened at his workplace. Her visit than followed up with additional directly harassing emails / pics to me... yah, none of that was "for the benefit of the OC").

I was told by the attorney that the plan was to "play nice" to get a CS settlement - in February - and here the court mess has been rolling downhill ever since and finally set for final August 1 court date with no promised settlement, why am I not surprised? I am not impressed with counsel's screw-ups at this point

So I have no evidence of true NC other than his say so (which is obviously worthless). I do not have access to his work email. I have no idea if he has secret accounts.

I've also asked for

4. WH to join and post on SI (he's not)

5. WH to regularly go to IC (he's not - I think he's going this week, not sure),

6. Both of us attend retrouvaille = this happened = we just finished post and are doing CORE and he's on board,

7. Both attend MC = this is happening weekly.

So of my list I am at 2 yes, 1 maybe and 4 no.

My fear is that I am allowing him to establish once again, another family obligation like what I survived with the ex toxic firstW, and then he gets to go off and pretend to be the good guy part-time dad with the OC and I just have to deal with it... which is why I working on moving waaaay far away. That move to me is the only way I can think we can focus on our family and marriage and not trying to balance all of this other people's mess.

So are these 4 not done items deal breakers for me? I regret not getting him to agree that they were "kick you outta the house offenses" beforehand, or more firmly establishing consequences. I hate feeling like a parent disciplining a child. I feel so disrespected and yet I don't want to overlook all the other effort that he has made since January. I want to address my hurt/disrespected feelings, but I don't want to sabotage all of the climb outta the hole. Because in my case, we are in a heckofa deep (center of the pit) hole. So I don't want to despair, but I don't want to rugsweep... ugh

I am just so torn...

Anyhow, I am thankful for the opportunity for us to hopefully practice successful conflict management about these items. I am admittedly really getting paranoid this is all just a false R and I judge him as he's all about "doing the minimum" to then go back to avoiding true and meaningful change. So I am off to focus on the only thing I can control - me and my business - and trying to let go and let God help me get through the rest

will see

[This message edited by Merida at 7:53 PM, June 30th (Monday)]

musiclovingmom posted 6/30/2014 12:22 PM

Just some thoughts from my journey. My H wrote me an apology. It was specific and genuine. He sent it via email while he was out of town just shy of the 1 year mark. He sent it in direct response to me, finally, expressing just exactly what my hurts were. That letter included a lot of 'I hate' and I don't say that I hate much. His apology addressed each of those things. I don't think he ever could have written an apology that would have felt complete to me if I hadn't spelled out specifically what I needed an apology for. Even at a year, I expressed things that hadn't occurred to him simply because of the different way we think about things.
On the timeline, I have one, but it didn't come easy. My H is bad with dates and times and events. He honestly can't even relay if something happened last week or last year. Drives me nuts. We sat down together and built the timeline like you would an article. I asked the questions, he relayed the answers. I put in major life events happening and he did the best he could to recall what was happening with his A's around those (ie, which OW was at that time, was it physical yet, had he registered for AFF yet, etc). It isn't very specific. I don't know exactly when of even how many times he slept with most of the OW because he honestly cannot remember. I have asked and asked and asked and watched and watched and listened and watched. Maybe someday he'll be able to access those memory banks, but right now they're locked up tight. He's working through so many repressed memories that are more productive to his healing (and therefore our healing) and that is what is most important to me.
Thankful, NC was a non-issue with my H. Is your H actively fighting against an NC letter period, or only on the advice of his lawyer?

authenticnow posted 6/30/2014 12:46 PM

If a lawyers lips are moving, they are lying.

Please refrain from making general statements. It is against the guidelines.

Thank you.

Merida posted 7/1/2014 01:20 AM

no problem to edit

thanks for your your thoughts = greatly appreciated! = musiclovingmom. Yah I don't want to focus on things that will not be productive to truly getting us on a healing road

authenticnow posted 7/1/2014 06:05 AM

Thank you

Merida posted 7/17/2014 13:32 PM

so he's now on SI ... hopefully he will post but at this point I don't care

Asked to see his work email and of course he hid from me how he told two female co-workers about his affair.

I hate finding more evidence of poor boundaries of course the email is just a generic title "walk?" from 7-2. And I'm supposed to trust that there's nothing there, she's just a concerned co-worker

ugh - it feels pointless to be upset as I am just not surprised my WH just doesn't "get" it, doesn't get boundaries and respect and

It didn't occur to him to tell me - months ago. I get what sounds like excuses to me that they were so concerned for him losing weight - "they thought I was dying."

Oh, so it's important for you to alleviate your co-worker's concern for your health, but not to be transparent to me


this is gonna be a slog

I suck at detachment

but gonna work on that and get better

gutfeeling posted 7/17/2014 14:57 PM

Whew I was going to come give you some feedback but I'm a lawyer sooo... I figure my words won't hold much weight. Skipping along to the next thread.

Rebreather posted 7/17/2014 14:59 PM

I'm sorry Merida. I'd have if my spouse had confided in female coworkers. I hope he pulls his head out soon, before he loses a real treasure.

Did you get anything else you've asked of him?

[This message edited by Rebreather at 5:27 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]

ShiningAutumn8 posted 7/17/2014 15:10 PM

I hate feeling like a parent disciplining a child. I feel so disrespected and yet I don't want to overlook all the other effort that he has made since January. I want to address my hurt/disrespected feelings, but I don't want to sabotage all of the climb outta the hole. Because in my case, we are in a heckofa deep (center of the pit) hole. So I don't want to despair, but I don't want to rugsweep... ugh

What effort? He went to routroville and attends MC. Im sorry but that's not that difficult. Writing a NC letter is not difficult if the cheater truly does wants the NC with their AP. None of the things you requested require any great effort or time. He just doesn't care enough to do them.

I think you're making excuses to avoid enforcing consequences for him clearly not living up to what you need to feel safe.

As for the latest emails at work, yeah he truly does not get it and continues to cross boundaries and be inappropriate with co-workers. an email with a subject line of "Walk?" signifies an existing friendship/relationship, a pattern of taking walks. "They thought I was dying" is such bullshit. I see men lose drastic weight at work all the time -- I don't think they're dying, I think they're working out or dieting. Even IF the females commented on his weight, the appropriate response is "Thank you, yes I've lost weight". I cant think of any reason I man would discuss an A with female co-workers, unless he was wanting to start an A with those girls! It is very easy to avoid inappropriate convos at work and to maintain boundaries. He just chooses not to.

[This message edited by ShiningAutumn8 at 3:12 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]

jo2love posted 7/17/2014 16:20 PM

gutfeeling -

You have a pm.

Merida posted 7/18/2014 10:37 AM

well maybe I'm not as crazy as I think as I immediately went to thinking

"well thanks for advertising your poor boundaries to two more women = guess I can't wait to see you let them "help" you deal with your crazy, depressed wife..."

it just sucks on so many levels since the irony is that

we met at work

he was still married, although in the process of a divorce he'd just filed

so the first words I speak to him after his STBXW calls the lab phone "I'm sorry I think I hung up on your wife." since I was new and goofed on transferring the call.

He was physically abused in that relationship. And yes I saw the scratch marks on his throat and the bruises she gave him. At first only she worked at the lab while he stayed home...until, (can you see where this is going?) she accused him of having an affair.

Yep - she accused several of her co-workers = including me = of sleeping with her husband. No, I was just a co-worker, but I now see how he has poor boundaries and as crazy as his ex is, (diagnosed NPD, borderline and something else mood disorder/OCD) I do understand the first justifiable part of the paranoia.

It was because He'd given me a book to read - Atlas Shrugged - as a "thought you might like to read, it reminded me of our conversation at lunch." When he told her that he'd lent me that book, what he labeled his "daily report" to her on the ride home, she comes barging into the lab that very afternoon and accusing me of having an affair. I didn't feel at the time that I'd crossed boundaries, but now?? holy geez

He divorced. He dated some other chick for awhile so I was of course just a co-worker (who knows he's dating again... hmmm)

I left the lab. I enlisted in the Army. So before I shipped off to basic I asked him out since he was in my mind "single" and no longer a "co-worker" so I wasn't crossing any boundaries

and then we decided to keep in touch since I was going to be in Texas for training and in my famous words "if it's meant to be, we'll be together."

ugh... I am feeling just so gut-punched stupid

But I did enjoy talking with him as I always remember it "about life and the order of the universe" and honestly I've always (until now) been so much for hanging onto the we were friends first regarding how I've always felt it was our similarity and compatibility that was so the basis for why we got through all the mess of life

So now I am trying to figure out how much he's willing to crap in his work-nest after he crapped all over his home-nest

because it feeds his "I can't do anything right" "It's all my fault" gerbil-wheel of negativity.

So yah, I am gun-shy in figuring out how to step up and speak my disappointment. I liken it to how we dealt with getting our son's pet turtle to come out of his shell = it wasn't by banging loudly "OK you can come out now, or else!"

anyhow, guess that was a good introspective moment on my past to make sure I don't repeat turning into the very person I thought I was "rescuing" him from (that was the old me, the arrogant before I got my butt kicked by the OW who of course I'm sure was told she was "helping" him - you know, what she wrote to me "to find happiness" )

truth really is stranger than fiction these days

Merida posted 7/18/2014 10:56 AM

oh and to add

my WH is not over-weight... in fact I used to think he was too geeky/skinny and really like how he looks these days

I do get for him to drop 25 lbs was noticeable - he went down to like 140 on a 6foot frame. But yah I get the poor boundaries issue and it is just so again ironic because I'm the realtor... you know American Beauty movie? I had all the sterotype opportunity and such to screw around on him

real estate market crashing, my dad's prostate cancer yadda yadda yadda = I had great excuses I could line my head with to justify my escape but I could never bear the thought of hurting him and the kids that way...

so now I have to be careful not to feed my "I don't matter, I'm not worth it" negativity wheel that I so need to deal with as to why I struggle with speaking up for myself... but I'm working on it. I'll get there

[This message edited by Merida at 4:58 AM, July 19th (Saturday)]

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