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Newest Member: suspendedingaffa (46055)

User Topic: What did year three look like?
918Mama
♀ 37756
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there a quick reference guide??

I'm feeling a little lost and overwhelmed today.


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 601 | Registered: Dec 2012
Angel177
♀ 37274
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope it's better then year 2. Year 2 started out great for me but it's been crashing and burning for awhile now. I just can't see past the horrible things he did and it's clouding the amazing person he has become.

It just feels like I died that day so nothing matters anymore. I'm just a body going through the motions of day to day life.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 255 | Registered: Oct 2012
918Mama
♀ 37756
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Angel...

Hugs to you!!! Year two was pretty brutal for me. I remember feeling all of those things, for sure. Towards the end of year two and the start of year three, I started feeling real joy again.

So, while it doesn't feel like it, I promise you *those* feelings do get better.

For me, year one was survival, year two was bloody hard work...year three seems to be about acceptance and I'm really struggling with that!!


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 601 | Registered: Dec 2012
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So far year three is just getting better. I feel like I am really reaching acceptance and being willing to open myself up to this new relationship. I feel it is about being open at this point. Being willing to try. Doing my part in this whole thing.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5249 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
RidingHealingRd
♀ 33867
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a difference year three has been! HUGE. So much better.

1) I don't feel the need to discuss WH A very often anymore. When I do it is no longer an emotional conversation.

2) No longer get angry with my WH over his A.

3) Still think about the A each day but often it is a fleeting thought. If I do dwell it no longer boils my blood (unless I am thinking about certain situations that affected my children).

4) I now 100% believe that my WH is deeply sorry. However, I will never 100% trust him.

5) Thankfully, I was wrong when I thought that I would never be happy again. I am happy.

My life feels as if it has returned to "normal" ~ scarred by my WHs infidelity but not destroyed by it.

IMO what each year looks like has a lot to do with how genuinely remorseful the WS is, how committed they are to fixing what they destroyed, and how willing the BS is to continuing in the M.

(((918Mama))) There is hope, don't give up on it.


[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 3:47 PM, June 30th (Monday)]


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Nov 2011
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just finished yr 2 this month. Going into yr 3 and hoping things get better. As I still cary a weight on my chest and a lump in my throat most times. I feel like I'm still depressed. There's nothing that excites me like it used to. I can't find much happiness in much. I hate to say this, but that's how I feel. I like to inspire and give people hope. Maybe it's me that needs it this time.

I'm hoping yr 3 is about figuring the rest of my life out.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1446 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wife is into year 3...this time 3 years ago her affair was exploding...and that explosion was going to change our lives forever in just 2 short months. I am 2 months out from entering year 3.

I don't yet feel joy...but I am learning to rejoice in even the bitter blows life deals me, such as DD #3 of 3 weeks ago.

I have changed tremendously and have hope for our future. Year two had me develop hope for myself....am hopeful year 3 will nurture and develop hope within my M to my wife.

I don't know what the future holds....but at the close of 2 years out I can at least take comfort in that I know and accept what my past was.

And, for a person who struggled with CoD, that is a great step forward!!!!!

Its nice not to make excuses for my wifes choices. It is nice to NOT own her shit. It is nice to choose to see my OWN brokenness. And it is nice to have the power to choose differently.

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4134 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Yakamishi
♂ 38230
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This gives me hope. Not desperate hope. Just more encouragement.


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
I think I can
♀ 17756
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MUCH better. Still bad times, but a feeling of progress.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8849 | Registered: Jan 2008
hopefull77
♀ 43221
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This gives me hope for acceptance ....this is my biggest struggle....thank you for that


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 705 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Reallyscared
♀ 43653
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am praying that year three is better than year two. I seem numb these days.

When our MC told us that this will take years, she was not kidding.

Stay strong...these people know what they are talking about!!

Hugs


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014
918Mama
♀ 37756
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone!!

I really appreciate the input. Year three is definitely the best so far. It's just sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the reality of what happened, it feels like I'm suffocating. I can't imagine why in the hell I would actually stay. I just want to start over with someone new, to eliminate all the bad history.

And I feel like that is so selfish. My kids are really little. I have a very remorseful spouse who is loving and dotes on me. The pain isn't going to go away if he leaves. So then I think, what is the point of breaking up my family when my kids are in a really healthy environment?? I definitely don't want to only see them 50% of their lives!!

I just wonder if this will always be there. This feeling of sadness and disbelief. And adding to it, his stupid job that I hate so much that he's never going to leave. It all just presses down on me sometimes.


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 601 | Registered: Dec 2012
Blanket
♀ 43881
Member # 43881
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel massively panicked reading this. Am I really going to feel like this for years? I'm trying desperately to be strong, getting v little in the way of remorse from WH . Wondering if staying was the best option?! I can't cope with feeling this insecurity indefinitely .


D day 20th may 2014
Me -BS (33)
HIM- WS (35)
OW- 18 yr old COW
Together 7 years, married 1

I can't tell if it's killing me or making me stronger


Don't kick me when I'm down because when I get back up you are f****d!


Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Uk
I think I can
♀ 17756
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

918--

Do you feel the two of you have been making progress? Do you feel you can go to him with your struggles? If so, then just hang on a for a bit and see if the feeling of being trapped/despair eases up.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8849 | Registered: Jan 2008
Reallyscared
♀ 43653
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Blanket,

Please don't feel panicked. There are different stages to this healing. I was pushing myself to just get over it but those repressed feelings resurface...often as anxiety, depression and panic.

You are very early in your healing, likely still in shock. My advice to you would be to give yourself time and let yourself feel whatever it is you need to feel. I was wishing someone would put me in a drug induced coma when I first found out so they could wake me up in a couple of years and then, time would have passed and healed me. It doesn't work that way. And it doesn't happen quickly I'm afraid. But each stage is different and it won't always hurt as intense as it does right now.

Let yourself feel. I heard a quote once that said trying to keep your feelings down, ie...trying to force forgiveness, happiness, acceptance, is like trying to keep balloons under water. They pop back up with force. But with time, the air dissipates and they are much smaller and easier to handle.

So yes, it does takes years but it gets easier to handle. You'll see. Stay strong.


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014
Reallyscared
♀ 43653
Member # 43653
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And also, Blanket, remorse and I mean genuine remorse from your husband is a must for your feelings to be validated to encourage healing. I don't know where I'd be without seeing his shame and sorrow EVERY time it gets discussed.

Good luck...


Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2014
918Mama
♀ 37756
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ITIC - yes absolutely. Tons of progress. I do feel like I can go to him with any of it. He's very supportive and soothing...he's definitely learned the right way to respond and helps give correcting experiences. I love the new him, the new me, our new life...just hate the past.

Blanket... I know. It's overwhelming. But you got some good advice. I honestly didn't think I would make it through the first year. Thought anyone who reconciled with a wayward was crazy. Here I am in year three, happy (mostly) and with waaaaay more perspective than I thought possible.

The pain won't always feel this intense. I promise that!!!

I'm just looking for some reassurance that at some point the past stops hurting so much!!


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 601 | Registered: Dec 2012
Feelthrownaway
♀ 33772
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm almost to year three. The worst was the first year and a half. Now I don't feel pain when talking about his affair. I get triggered very rarely. I feel like it is way in the past and no longer matters. We are doing really good.


BW- 48
FWH-49
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 23 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.


Posts: 1255 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
Topic Posts: 18

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