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What did year three look like?

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918Mama posted 6/30/2014 12:53 PM

Is there a quick reference guide??

I'm feeling a little lost and overwhelmed today.

Angel177 posted 6/30/2014 12:57 PM

I hope it's better then year 2. Year 2 started out great for me but it's been crashing and burning for awhile now. I just can't see past the horrible things he did and it's clouding the amazing person he has become.

It just feels like I died that day so nothing matters anymore. I'm just a body going through the motions of day to day life.

918Mama posted 6/30/2014 13:02 PM

Oh Angel...

Hugs to you!!! Year two was pretty brutal for me. I remember feeling all of those things, for sure. Towards the end of year two and the start of year three, I started feeling real joy again.

So, while it doesn't feel like it, I promise you *those* feelings do get better.

For me, year one was survival, year two was bloody hard work...year three seems to be about acceptance and I'm really struggling with that!!

tired girl posted 6/30/2014 13:27 PM

So far year three is just getting better. I feel like I am really reaching acceptance and being willing to open myself up to this new relationship. I feel it is about being open at this point. Being willing to try. Doing my part in this whole thing.

RidingHealingRd posted 6/30/2014 13:58 PM

What a difference year three has been! HUGE. So much better.

1) I don't feel the need to discuss WH A very often anymore. When I do it is no longer an emotional conversation.

2) No longer get angry with my WH over his A.

3) Still think about the A each day but often it is a fleeting thought. If I do dwell it no longer boils my blood (unless I am thinking about certain situations that affected my children).

4) I now 100% believe that my WH is deeply sorry. However, I will never 100% trust him.

5) Thankfully, I was wrong when I thought that I would never be happy again. I am happy.

My life feels as if it has returned to "normal" ~ scarred by my WHs infidelity but not destroyed by it.

IMO what each year looks like has a lot to do with how genuinely remorseful the WS is, how committed they are to fixing what they destroyed, and how willing the BS is to continuing in the M.

(((918Mama))) There is hope, don't give up on it.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 3:47 PM, June 30th (Monday)]

2married2quit posted 6/30/2014 15:03 PM

I just finished yr 2 this month. Going into yr 3 and hoping things get better. As I still cary a weight on my chest and a lump in my throat most times. I feel like I'm still depressed. There's nothing that excites me like it used to. I can't find much happiness in much. I hate to say this, but that's how I feel. I like to inspire and give people hope. Maybe it's me that needs it this time.

I'm hoping yr 3 is about figuring the rest of my life out.

blakesteele posted 6/30/2014 15:25 PM

Wife is into year 3...this time 3 years ago her affair was exploding...and that explosion was going to change our lives forever in just 2 short months. I am 2 months out from entering year 3.

I don't yet feel joy...but I am learning to rejoice in even the bitter blows life deals me, such as DD #3 of 3 weeks ago.

I have changed tremendously and have hope for our future. Year two had me develop hope for hopeful year 3 will nurture and develop hope within my M to my wife.

I don't know what the future holds....but at the close of 2 years out I can at least take comfort in that I know and accept what my past was.

And, for a person who struggled with CoD, that is a great step forward!!!!!

Its nice not to make excuses for my wifes choices. It is nice to NOT own her shit. It is nice to choose to see my OWN brokenness. And it is nice to have the power to choose differently.

God is with us all.

Yakamishi posted 6/30/2014 15:58 PM

This gives me hope. Not desperate hope. Just more encouragement.

I think I can posted 6/30/2014 17:22 PM

MUCH better. Still bad times, but a feeling of progress.

hopefull77 posted 6/30/2014 20:14 PM

This gives me hope for acceptance ....this is my biggest struggle....thank you for that

Reallyscared posted 7/1/2014 00:54 AM

I am praying that year three is better than year two. I seem numb these days.

When our MC told us that this will take years, she was not kidding.

Stay strong...these people know what they are talking about!!


918Mama posted 7/1/2014 10:26 AM

Thanks everyone!!

I really appreciate the input. Year three is definitely the best so far. It's just sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the reality of what happened, it feels like I'm suffocating. I can't imagine why in the hell I would actually stay. I just want to start over with someone new, to eliminate all the bad history.

And I feel like that is so selfish. My kids are really little. I have a very remorseful spouse who is loving and dotes on me. The pain isn't going to go away if he leaves. So then I think, what is the point of breaking up my family when my kids are in a really healthy environment?? I definitely don't want to only see them 50% of their lives!!

I just wonder if this will always be there. This feeling of sadness and disbelief. And adding to it, his stupid job that I hate so much that he's never going to leave. It all just presses down on me sometimes.

Blanket posted 7/1/2014 10:54 AM

I feel massively panicked reading this. Am I really going to feel like this for years? I'm trying desperately to be strong, getting v little in the way of remorse from WH . Wondering if staying was the best option?! I can't cope with feeling this insecurity indefinitely .

I think I can posted 7/1/2014 11:03 AM


Do you feel the two of you have been making progress? Do you feel you can go to him with your struggles? If so, then just hang on a for a bit and see if the feeling of being trapped/despair eases up.

Reallyscared posted 7/1/2014 14:12 PM

Dear Blanket,

Please don't feel panicked. There are different stages to this healing. I was pushing myself to just get over it but those repressed feelings resurface...often as anxiety, depression and panic.

You are very early in your healing, likely still in shock. My advice to you would be to give yourself time and let yourself feel whatever it is you need to feel. I was wishing someone would put me in a drug induced coma when I first found out so they could wake me up in a couple of years and then, time would have passed and healed me. It doesn't work that way. And it doesn't happen quickly I'm afraid. But each stage is different and it won't always hurt as intense as it does right now.

Let yourself feel. I heard a quote once that said trying to keep your feelings down, ie...trying to force forgiveness, happiness, acceptance, is like trying to keep balloons under water. They pop back up with force. But with time, the air dissipates and they are much smaller and easier to handle.

So yes, it does takes years but it gets easier to handle. You'll see. Stay strong.

Reallyscared posted 7/1/2014 14:15 PM

And also, Blanket, remorse and I mean genuine remorse from your husband is a must for your feelings to be validated to encourage healing. I don't know where I'd be without seeing his shame and sorrow EVERY time it gets discussed.

Good luck...

918Mama posted 7/1/2014 15:50 PM

ITIC - yes absolutely. Tons of progress. I do feel like I can go to him with any of it. He's very supportive and soothing...he's definitely learned the right way to respond and helps give correcting experiences. I love the new him, the new me, our new life...just hate the past.

Blanket... I know. It's overwhelming. But you got some good advice. I honestly didn't think I would make it through the first year. Thought anyone who reconciled with a wayward was crazy. Here I am in year three, happy (mostly) and with waaaaay more perspective than I thought possible.

The pain won't always feel this intense. I promise that!!!

I'm just looking for some reassurance that at some point the past stops hurting so much!!

Time Ticks On posted 7/1/2014 21:27 PM

I'm almost to year three. The worst was the first year and a half. Now I don't feel pain when talking about his affair. I get triggered very rarely. I feel like it is way in the past and no longer matters. We are doing really good.

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