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scream posted 6/30/2014 13:49 PM

Do you ever just watch the world around you go by at 100 mph? Your holding on tight to the things in your life but they start to slip and get caught with the rest of the world. Like looking out a car window. They don't go away, just move past you over and over.

I have turned my life and marriage into a bad Lifetime Movie of the Week. Turned myself into the worst punchline of a bad joke. Sucks. Wanna help, wanna make things better. Having a really hard time accomplishing anything. I have gotten so much better. Feel good about my life in general. Just watching it go past me.

PenitentMan posted 7/1/2014 13:27 PM

I see nobody has replied to this yet, so I just wanted to say: I hear you, scream. My IC told me that it seemed that I was just living my life doing what I thought I needed to do, as though I was just checking the boxes on a list. Now, I'm trying to have mindfulness every day. I think being aware of your life and the things you do, or the thoughts you have, in a given day, is the first step. You've been here a while, so you know all the usual advice. I doubt I'm going to be able to provide anything you haven't already heard after only 2 months here. If you look at maslow's heirarchy of needs (there's a nice chart in wikipedia):'s_hierarchy_of_needs

It gets more challenging the higher up you go. You say you're better and you feel good. Is that really true? What exactly do you want to accomplish? You're not dead yet. It's not too late. Pick yourself up. Look at yourself in the mirror. Take your deep breaths.

We have to do the best we can with the cards we're dealt. I got rid of a big time consuming hobby and I spend a lot less time online (a.k.a facebook). I got rid of the app on my phone.
My days are longer now and the world no longer goes by at 100 mph. Even watching the news I do much less. I leave running the world to those who have their act together moreso than me (or who have convinced themselves that they do).

I guess that's why I feel like the past 2 months since DDay have been a lot longer than it's been.

They say "Be the change you want to see in the world." If you're living authentically, honestly, and being true to yourself, then take pride in that.

That's my advice for today. :) Take it or leave it. And hang in there.

LostTime posted 7/1/2014 13:32 PM

Hi scream - I can also relate to this. I have gone through much of my life like this. I have been passive not even a passenger in the current but waiting for the current to find me only to end up lost.

It is easy to isolate ourselves and be bystanders. What SH said is very true living with mindfulness and authenticity is excellent advice for me as well.

I too am just at the beginning of my recovery and don't have much wisdom to offer after 2.5 years of treading water and drowning further to keep the metaphor going. If nothing else just know you're being heard and not alone in this.

DrJekyll posted 7/1/2014 13:36 PM

I am curious scream. You say you can't accomplish anything. Why is that? What is the road block? What are you trying to accomplish?

Trying2LoveAgain posted 7/1/2014 20:06 PM

I feel much the same as others here..that I've just been "Alive" but not really LIVED! I'm a BS but realize some things that I did/or didn't do, a long time ago (my H affair was 25 years ago, but I only found out about it 10 mos.ago) that I'm SURE contributed to the problems in our M way back then and probably contributed to leading up to him having an A. Well..I've realized, those THINGS are NOT important and I'm trying to REALLY LIVE now, not just be Alive! Good luck to you and blessings & peace being sent your way! :)

Jrazz posted 7/2/2014 15:01 PM

I think that part of that may be the fallout from the A, but part of that is just life in general.

I'm glad that you are able to interject that you are feeling better - keep pushing that to the forefront.

I swear, the last 3 years have raced by. Some of that I will attribute to adrenaline, but I think that the more we try to hold onto moments the more aware we are that they get picked up in a current no matter what.

Remember to stop and breathe, and to let go of the things you can't control.

scream posted 7/2/2014 16:47 PM

Thanks. I want a healthy life and marriage. I don't feel I'm getting there yet. My marriage may not survive. That's a wait and work and we will see what happens. So yes, that is something I can't get a grasp on. One of many things. Mostly small. Just life things in general. So yeah, I feel the way some of you do.

I was just thinking to myself that it doesn't matter what happens. Cause I can't control that far ahead. One day at a time. Sometimes one second. Just get through. Keep treading water next to the life boat.

Any other ws ever think " I'm always going to think
of my self as a ws", the scarlet letter will always be on our chests no matter how healthy we get?

Just a thought I had in the last couple mins.

PenitentMan posted 7/2/2014 17:30 PM

Any other ws ever think " I'm always going to think
of my self as a ws", the scarlet letter will always be on our chests no matter how healthy we get?

I hope I'm not over sharing this quote, but it's just so good:

"When something bad happens we can let it define us, we can let it destroy us, or we can let it strengthen us."

There are those of us who stumble through life hurting ourselves and others. For some of us that are here, it ends now. We strive to better ourselves. We strive to not repeat the past. We strive to learn, to let go of the outcome, to live and to love. We search for meaning. We search for peace.
The fact that you're here; that you're trying, makes all the difference. I say to myself, as should we all: "I will be strong. I will learn to live with myself. I will learn to love myself." The only person who it matters to, whether you wear that scarlet A on the outside, or the inside, is yourself. I know I will always have the scars. Mindfulness is a gift, not a curse. Be always aware of yourself, find your peace, and use your experiences to help others. You are as much a part of this universe as anyone else. We are all reflected in each other.

Depression sucks. I know full well the extent of my betrayal, and I'm often consumed by it, but still the advice my IC and others give me is to take care of myself. Don't let it burn you out. Play a video game. Exercise. Find a way to turn it off and get some perspective. We're imperfect beings. We make mistakes. We even make mistakes more than once. But we're still worthy of love and respect and it's never too late for forgiveness. I feel your pain, scream. It's there in your words. You've been dealing with this a lot longer than I have, so maybe that's why I'm so optimistic. But I've come to realize that I'm on this journey of my life with or without my wife. So I'm trying to find the things that give me peace and perspective. The unconditional love of my pets. A good plate of fettucini alfredo. A hot shower. I bought a feng shui rock garden for my desk and move the rake around. I meditate. I contemplate. I think. When the anxiety hits me, or when I start feeling depressed, I acknowledge it. I'm mindful of it. I embrace it, I let it flow through me. And I know it will pass.

I'd like to share a book I'm reading with you, if I may, perhaps it will help:

It's called "The happiness trap: How to stop struggling and start living"

Have a look:

DrJekyll posted 7/2/2014 18:38 PM

" I'm always going to think
of my self as a ws",

the question is will this be a defining moment for you, or will you let this moment define you. The choice is yours.

Cause I can't control that far ahead.

a freeing realization I came to was, I can only control me. And for me, that was very freeing. I could then stop trying to control others and outcomes. And that freed up my time and energy to control me. Which I had been doing a piss poor job of.

Treading water doesn't bring you closer to shore. It just wears you out and eventually you will drown. I read that in another post, and thought it would be fitting here.

So you have to keep working on you. And keep fighting for you.

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