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Newest Member: Mercedes66 (46046)

User Topic: Will counseling work? What did you do.
steppingup
♂ 42650
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I pulled this off Chumplady dot com today....In the natural world, we do not default to assuming a dead body will come back to life; why do we default in the counseling world that a dead marriage after repeated lying and adultery will/can normally come back to life? Its counseling alchemy in my opinion.

I'd like to know your opinion...my wife and I start seeing the MC today...I don't know if there is any hope.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

Posts: 740 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your wife is remorseful, if she really gets it, counseling can work.

If she is not remorseful, if she in the fog and doesn't want to do the work, then it is a lost cause from the get-go.

It's hard to determine one from the other in the thick of it, which is part of why SI is such a useful gut check.

Good luck to you but do focus on IC first in most cases. And take care of your own needs.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
yme32313
♀ 42091
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should go in it with an open mind. Talk your feelings out. Communication is key that's what ended up leading you where you are today because there was no communication and the other step out.

Make sure it's a counselor that you are both comfortable with. We went through 3 and finally found one we both liked and he helped us a bunch.


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 205 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
Charity411
♀ 41033
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my situation counseling was a waste of time. I didn't know about the affair at the time and couldn't figure out what was wrong. While we were in counseling the OW would babysit our daughter for us. When I finally found out they were having an affair I was livid. Needless to say we stopped going to counseling. Anyone who could have his mistress watch his child while in marriage counseling doesn't want any help. It was a sham.

Personally, I think you have to decide what you want out of counseling before you commit to spending your money on it. I think sometimes we jump into counseling because we assume it will fix our marriage or our spouse. We can come away very disappointed because one person in a marriage can't fix anything without the participation of the other. And some counselors will take an awful lot of your money helping you come to that realization.

On the other hand, I briefly went to a terrific counselor after my divorce. It helped me get through a lot of the pain and fear of my future. It helped me examine why I didn't see any of the red flags that were waving in my face from the onset of my marriage. I took away valuable information.


Posts: 413 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
TrustedHer
♂ 23328
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I strongly recommend IC.

AFTER you know who you are, what you want, how to communicate, how to set boundaries, where you want to go in the future--That's when you can decide about MC.

Before that, it's premature.

In my opinion.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5218 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
iwillNOT
♀ 40605
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I don't think a dead marriage CAN come back to life. My husband killed ours. It's gone. I told him I do not feel married any longer, and I won't go back, only forward. My hope is that we can build a new relationship, since he obliterated the old one. Things are vastly different now, including me. I choose to go down this path, but if it's a dead end, then I'll choose to move on alone.

I wanted to share that I was so freaked out about going to the MC for the first time, that my hands wouldn't stop shaking and I couldn't stop crying. Even going there for an appointment felt so vulnerable. I really didn't see hope for us. We were blessed to have found a wonderful counselor who is amazingly skilled at helping us hear one another, and calling each of us out when needed. We have also both been in IC, which has been such a help for me and in turn makes the MC more effective.

I have a lot of hope for us now. Something I could not have imagined, then. You sure don't have to put yourself out there by going to MC; if it does not go well, you are free to stop anytime.

Good luck, steppingup. Trust yourself. Go with your gut feeling on this.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 519 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like the others have said, it's only going to work if your wife is remorseful and you both WANT the marriage.

T/j

While we were in counseling the OW would babysit our daughter for us.

That's FUBAR, Charity.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
BYE-Bipolar
♂ 41615
Member # 41615
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

steppingup, with regard to:

"In the natural world, we do not default to assuming a dead body will come back to life; why do we default in the counseling world that a dead marriage after repeated lying and adultery will/can normally come back to life? Its counseling alchemy in my opinion." - - - Could it be that the counselors are hoovering you?

You know...the old "come on in and see us - and oh, by the way, bring your checkbook."

There have been a fair number of comments about the quality and advisability of various counselors' recommendations on this site.

Choose wisely and carefully...there is much, much more experience and much less vested interest in the outcome here, and, as always, "take what's useful, and leave the rest",

BYE-Bipolar


Posts: 8 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: MidWest
NeverAgain2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I absolutely don't agree that a dead marriage can miraculously come back to life in counseling, nor would I even waste my time trying if I were in that situation.

Sometimes you just have to face the fact that your marriage is on life support and you need to pull the plug. All the expensive counseling mumbo-jumbo in the world ain't gonna change that.

JMHO, of course.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1956 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
doggiediva
♀ 33806
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some counselors can do more harm than good..

Somebody , like me, who was clueless thought an MC would automatically call my WH out on his cheating and the need for NC with the AP...

I thought that this educated third party would validate my pain and concerns and tell my WH that he was acting and thinking like a prick..

Wroooong..The majority of the MC's encouraged me to acknowledge my pain very briefly, maybe for one session only...

But than for life to go on and for the marriage to move forward, I had to go ahead and swallow my pain or be referred to as a neurotic/weak wife who wanted to stay in pain..

So the counseling goal was to cure ME..Me the crying screaming betrayed party was the REAL problem..I had something lacking in me or why would my WH cheat?...Let's get me to swallow my pain, in the interest of the marriage because that seemed less complicated than digging into my WH's thought process which could take many more sessions .

IMHO I think most of these counselors valued politeness over directness when dealing with their patients..

In the end, working on the marriage as per counseling, felt like I was nursing my WH's ego and needs at the expense of my own..

Ehh, I didn't want to come home after my long day of work outside the home to be Miss bendable Barbie catering to my WH's every need as these counselors suggested..I needed some kindness and nurturing too..

Married life with a lazy unemployed bellyaching cheating deadbeat just wasn't something I wanted to save..

It took me a while, but boy did it feel freeing to realize that I didn't OWE my WH my efforts work on the marriage, as my counselors would have me believe.

So I stopped...Now I can breathe..

I still do live under the same roof with WH, until I can afford to leave...

Just know that finding the right counselor can be a lengthy process, and be wary of any advice he or she gives that doesn't make any common sense to your gut..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:46 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2011
Charity411
♀ 41033
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nekorb. I have to ask. What does FUBAR stand for. I hope it's really really bad.

Posts: 413 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
brokengirl37
♀ 42530
Member # 42530
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FUBAR = Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition


Me: 38
WH : 40
2 Boys Age 10, 13
D-Day Feb 16 2014
OW: My Co-worker

Posts: 74 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Canada
Charity411
♀ 41033
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Brokengirl. That about sums it up.

Posts: 413 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
WeepingBuddhist
♀ 39139
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Based on his actions, I thought my XH was doing pretty well in R. Then I discovered that he was planning to hook up with his college GF. I told him I wanted a divorce at our next MC appt.

If you are not currently seeing an IC, get one! This isn't out "us" it's about YOU. The person you trusted most has inflicted pain and you need to decide what you what you want to do about that. If I had it to do over, I would not have tried to R when I found about the A. Anyone who could do that, simply wasn't capable of being the kind of partner that I need.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Topic Posts: 14

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