When you're a male and your wife cheats on you, how do you cope?
I know it's tough but really take a look at that sentence. Who should be coping here?
I think the first mistake that men (and everyone frankly) makes right after discovery is to not turn to your so called partner and stick up your middle finger at them, then show them your ass as you walk away.
I consider myself reconciled (whatever that really means) but in that process I have discovered what I knew all along about myself, I am fiercely independent and won't tolerate having friends or certainly a spouse who is an idiot. People who have A's are behaving like idiots. Don't tolerate those people in your life.
This does not mean that you don't want to stay with them, often times in a M, there is a lot of history, commons (kids, house, etc) that make it worth staying around for a while to see if your newly developed idiot can turn their life around and become someone respectable again. Those are the why's of staying. The how's, once you really get down to the brass tacks of it are pretty easy.
Your opinion of yourself is the one that matters - not your spouses.
You need to explain to your spouse what she need to do in order for you to stay in the M. Tell her you want it to work, but here is the benchmark. Give them time, but progress and actual achievement of those things are needed otherwise get ready to roll without her. That's forever. Poor behavior can't return. They used their get out of jail free card and guess what, community chest is closed.
Most importantly - it is your life. Get busy with it. Your new expectation should be that you live your life and your spouse comes along for the ride. This can last as long as you want, but remember if you don't ingratiate her back into it eventually she has little reason to stay around, just like you don't want to live with and idiot.
Do your thing and do it really well. Make a plan and execute it. Build a business, change a career, start a club, by a lake house - whatever.
My biggest qualm with MC they many of them want to jump to "communication" and togetherness right away. After an A I think it very healthy, I would argue critical, for emotional separation for a time period. Depending on the couple this could be 3 months, for some it may need to be 3 years....
All those items you listed, if I had to guess, are feelings most of us have had post A. Feel them, get help for them yourself, decide how you want to handle them and don't look to her to fix shit. I mean frankly she most likely she has enough shit to fix and struggle with.
After 3 years I am just reaching the point that I really want my W back. She has grown enough at this point for me to be confident in that. It has built over time, but at the end of the day, she will always be sprinkles on my life not the ice cream. I'm the cream baby. And so are you. Start living that way.
take care .....
[This message edited by wert at 8:48 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]