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Newest Member: FrustratedJoker (61483)

User Topic: had a self esteem crusher- not romantic
Helen of Troy
♀ 26419
Member # 26419
Question  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm taking a challenging class right now to finish my degree. I emailed the other students from the class roster which is public info for anyone in the class, asking about a question on the extra credit that was due to be submitted online in hours. Three people replied. I thanked one and addressed her how she signed her name to the email because I thought that is what she wanted people to call her. Wouldn't anyone do that?
Today she says, this person Helen of Troy is emailing me AGAIN and calling me (short version of her name) like we are close personal friends! I happen to be sitting two seats from her and heard everything. She started calling my name and at that point I pretended that wasn't my name. At the end of class I thought she would look me up on Facebook or student locator and also didn't feel comfortable being dishonest even if I had just been humiliated, so i tried to play it off and said after class lecture, "Hey I am Helen of Troy. I was going to see if i could go all semester to see if you could figure out who I was" haha type way. She says "well I am glad to finally MEET YOU in person." I wasn't writing her as a close personal friend I simply addressed her how she signed her name! didn't go in to personal details only emailed 2 times about specific course questions on the extra credit material. I felt small and wanted to move away but then thought why should I ? If I move to the back I will get distracted and not get as good a grade.
I still feel crappy about how she acted like a jerk and said that right in front of me not knowing who I was. I didn't know who she was today either. I won't email her again. And why bother answering my mass email class question in the first place? she isn't snobby looking in fact she is ....(edit) ..hope it is ok to say that.
You'd think sorority types would act like that but my experience has been just the opposite, those people are very friendly to me and want me to be in their group projects, and even got an invitation from one...I declined, not sure if they knew my real age..awkward. Anyway I didn't want to give the impression this is a person you would think would a behave in that way, and the ones you think would behave like that, don't.
How would you act in class if you were me? How can I keep dignified? I'm embarrassed even writing this.

Posts: 4809 | Registered: Dec 2009
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sign my emails how I want to be addressed.
You have nothing to feel bad class you were put in an uncomfortable position when this fool started talking about you.
When she started calling your name, I would have acknowledged her and apologized for calling her by the name she signed in the email and established that she preferred the other name.
Situation over.
Not for her, because she sounds like a jerk. Fuck people like that. Don't let her bring you down.

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ 36126
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This happens to me more now than before my divorce. It could be my bubble (my post) or this is how I figure it:

Some people's humor isn't the same
That is her personality and my guess is most are use to it so don't pay attention
She for whatever reason maturity etc needs to voice this but doesn't make it right

I would honestly be yourself- rise above and if she is the expert on the topic ask her. If she isn't just ignore her.

Don't let it bother you more than her. If she comments just laugh and move along.

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Jul 2012
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her behavior is a reflection of her, not you. (((hugs)))

I hate confrontation, even in my own mind, so I get the avoidance of her after her rudeness. I hate to put it down to youth, but she sounds really young and careless.

Hopefully she has enough sense/compassion to be embarassed..

I tend to avoid addressing emails, because they seem so informal (just a step about text?) but maybe I am being rude and unfriendly? Try not to give it too much energy.

Since I read once that one hurtful comment needs ten positive to "undo" or counter the impact, I will start you off towards balance:

1. You are kick ass going to school and making good grades!

2. You are smart, and witty, and fun.

3. You are strong and don't shy away from challenges.

Me: 45, independent, happy, despite parallel parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 15 DS 12
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 7052 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
♀ 10506
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know. I think I would have done something snarky like replied to her last email with something like "If you do not want to be called xxx then you should not sign you emails that way. By they way, it is rude to talk about people behind their back." And highlight where this idiot signed her name-that-she-should-not-be-called. I mean really, what a stupid bitch!

Don;t feel badly about this. YOU did nothing wrong. She was projecting her immaturity.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Helen of Troy
♀ 26419
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the replies.
If you were me would you: her and say sorry I thought since you signed your name (short version) that is how you wanted to be addressed? this way pointing out exactly where she signed it short version
2. Ignore. Any more email from me will fuel or somehow her bad behavior

3. address her in person with verbal apology on shortened name because that is how she signed it, and not have proof in hand.

I know I could really chop her down but having to sit near someone for five more weeks would only disrupt my learning in the class.

Posts: 4809 | Registered: Dec 2009
♀ 10506
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally would not apologize. You did nothing wrong.

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
♀ 34146
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would also ignore. You're not going to change her. Nothing you say is going to make her wake up and realize she acted like a jerk.

If you say something, you're likely to just enrage her more. She may try to turn others against you even more or make things more uncomfortable. She sounds rather unstable.

Let it go. She's an unhappy jerk. Be glad you're not her, get through the rest of the class, and treat her like you would an unpleasant coworker.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

Posts: 4467 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ 36126
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely ignore. She is immature or this is her way in the world.

It will give her more to work with and honestly she probably has forgotten it.

You did nothing wrong- take the high road. Really don't let her stop you - if you need to for whatever reason ask her something for class do it. She doesn't know you really well so what she says or doesn't say isn't really about who you are.

Focus on school

[This message edited by fireproof at 11:23 PM, June 30th (Monday)]

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Jul 2012
♀ 30341
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her behavior reflects badly on her not on you. Hold your head high, you did nothing wrong. I'd ignore it now and not address it since you already commented on her behavior in a laughing kind of way. She may have had no idea her behavior was rude, she may just be immature. Eventually this embarrassed feeling will fade...kick ass and get an "A" in the class!

DDay 11/17/2010 BW:54

Posts: 4130 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
♀ 30883
Member # 30883
Default  Posted: 3:23 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Helen of Troy,
That girl, yes I will call her a girl because she is obviously not mature enough to be a woman, is a horrible person who said what she said to make her look good. It is not a reflection on you. She is just a show-off braggart.
You're right to sit where YOU want to sit. Don't let her affect your experience in the class and don't let her affect your grades. She is horrible, horrible, horrible. You did nothing wrong. In fact, most well-adjusted people don't take offense to a shortened version of their name in an email, it's just an email for goodness' sake…right? You sound like you have good manners, and you did the right thing in going up to her afterwards…showed her you have balls! Ignore her from now on.
So now you have some extra motivation to study hard. Eff her.

[This message edited by Ms_Strong at 3:24 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]

Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs

Posts: 324 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is beyond ridiculous and that girl should be ashamed of herself.

Who the fuck gets bent out of shape if someone uses a name you use when you sign off? I shorten my name on my sign off and I'm always surprised when people use the long version. Not bent out of shape. I am known by both names and not in an alias way.

My mum calls me Pumpkin. I'm almost 39 FFS and she shouts it out in public. "Puuuuumpiiiiiin!". I don't like
it. Now if I signed off my damned emails with Pumpkin I lose the right to be pissed off if people call me Pumpkin.

Ya dig?

Dear Arseclown, You clearly haven't been in the real world yet so lemme give you a lil' tip. If you don't want people to call you something don't sign off with that name on emails. It is a pretty simple concept to grasp. Now, want a cookie? #growup.
Sincerely, A Grownup

[This message edited by SBB at 6:06 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 6008 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 18222
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have nothing to be ashamed of. I would do the exact same thing. Don't assume things. I have a good friend named Bethany. She loves to go by the name Beth. But people wouldn't quit calling her Elizabeth, so she stopped introducing herself as Beth. With names getting more and more unusual, I don't you that you can safely assume what the long version of someone's name is.

I would have been immediately snarky, and said something like what Dreamboat said. But, that is probably not the best plan, and doesn't work so well after the fact. I'd just ignore it now. Sit where you want, and don't be embarrassed, you made the best decision on the info you had. You have more info now, so address Miss Doesn't Know How Names Work by the long version, if you have to address her again.

Me-32 ,Two boys, 13 and 11

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.

Posts: 4719 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Georgia
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You want to apologize for calling her by her name??? I think you were more than polite in not telling her to go fuck herself.

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
Him: WXH-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

Posts: 25302 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Arizona
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have called her out on her $hit in class in front of that other person by saying:

"Oh I overheard you are talking about me. To clarify, I only use your nickname because you signed an email to me using it first. If you have a problem with me using it talk to me about it rather than gossip about me -okay?"

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 15

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