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Whose responsibility?

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Autumn22 posted 6/30/2014 19:29 PM

Ay yi yi.

Transparency will be our undoing, I swear.

WSAH has agreed to complete transparency, and has been willingly and (almost entirely) happily providing whatever access or info I've requested with no delay. We are on the same page with this after our initial struggles.

We are still trying to work through a disagreement regarding logistics though.


Back when my monitoring was stealth, I originally installed eBlaster on his phone, but that stopped working. After dealing with the transparency issue this winter, WSAH signed us up, on his own, for Family Locator. That was a lovely deposit for me - but it never worked right and either couldn't locate his phone or gave such a huge area it was useless. Have been using his google account, with his knowledge, to check his location history and locate his device - but again, both are really wonky and unreliable.

Our inability to find a reliable location tracker is frustrating to us both, but definitely has a bigger impact on me - especially when something else has triggered me and his location tracking puts him in all sorts of weird locations that only add to my doubts. (FWIW, when I am not triggering, I see these weird blips - like showing him biking for two minutes in the middle of a lake 10 miles away - and I'm just annoyed. They happen when I am with him too, so unless it's a situation when I am feeling very much at risk, I try to blame it on technology.).

Current Debate:

I feel that a remorseful spouse working towards R, knowing how often this causes me additional anxiety when I am triggered, wouldn't rest until his BW had a reliable and consistent method of locating him in her hands.

WSAH's therapist, a CSAT who has caused me significant trauma himself via his treatment methods, thinks WSAH should in no way facilitate my "gathering of information." That it is fine if I do it, but WSAH shouldn't assist me or look for ways to provide the info to me. He believes this is co-dependent and is encouraging WSAH to disengage from the whole process, while still being transparent to any means of monitoring I choose.

So...I get mad that this is still a problem how many months later and that WSAH hasn't done much to seek out a solution after the one morning he signed up for FL. This causes trouble at least two-three times per month and it adds to my sense that WSAH is not yet truly (or maybe I should say 'fully') remorseful yet and working towards keeping me safe.

WSAH is confused because he understands my opinion but is worried that by becoming involved in finding an actual tracking tool that works, he is being co-dependent or doing something for my healing that he should not be involved with at all.

So...whaddya think? Help us, please!

confused615 posted 6/30/2014 20:07 PM

I think he should be proactive in helping you feel secure, and he should do what you need to feel safe.

Have you spoken to his therapist?

You wants him to find a reliable way to track him. Sounds reasonable to me.

So....if you need something from him...does he feel he has to check with hi therapist first to make sure it's ok?

It sounds like he cares more about what his therapist tells him than his betrayed wife's need to feel safe.

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:08 PM, June 30th (Monday)]

Lionne posted 6/30/2014 20:54 PM

I agree with Confused, why should he not help you feel comfortable, he's the one that caused your insecurity to begin with! I get the IC's point, but your so called codependency, really righteous trauma reaction, will disappear once your trauma abates. The IC is working from old theory no longer supported by most CSATs.

But I must warn you, ALL the locators are wonky from time to time. They all are GPS based, all can malfunction. We used Family Locator for a long time, found it better than most, now use a free app Life360. It is great except when it isn't. I strongly suggest you have a backup, have him call or you call, or have him send you pics when you are feeling insecure.

If he builds up enough trust, it won't matter that it screws up part of the time.

Autumn22 posted 7/1/2014 15:16 PM

To clarify, his IC/CSAT doesn't see it as feeding into my co-dep, but rather he sees it as feeding into WSAH's co-dependent need to do things I want in order to "keep" me.

This CSAT is very old-school, and we both are unhappy with some of his positions/usual practices. However, he is stunningly attuned to WSAH, and we feel like his ability to help WSAH work through his core issues trumps his incompetence regarding healing our relationship. We have turned to other resources for that. However, at times, the lines cross/blur and we have to slosh through what advice/interpretations carry merit and what we choose to discount.

The issue of being open to transparency vs. actively providing reliable transparency is one we haven't been able to resolve on our own.

confused615 posted 7/1/2014 15:51 PM

Is this something you feel you need from him?

If it's a yes..then he gives it/does it.

It's that simple.

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