I don't know how new all this is for you, but do some reading in The Healing Library. It's okay to cry....a lot.
Things WILL get better, although it certainly doesn't feel like it right now.
Now after my WW has committed adultery for over 3 years with a COW (co-worker) she will fold after any little st back, any little obstacle. Our marriage, me, is not worth fighting for. Nor worth going the extra mile for. She would bail for any reason after 37 years of marriage.
This is what I think. I am worth fighting for. I was and am a good husband - far from perfect - but a good husband. I was always home. My wife and my family (three wonderful daughters) were the most important thing in my life after Jesus Christ, my Lord. I spent time, quality time, with my wife and children. I was active in my community and my church. I was active professionally (President of my professional association). But, most importantly, I was home with my family. They thrived and all three daughters are professionals in their own right and, I am proud to say, strong community members and contributors to society and life.
I think, too, that you are worth fighting for. You are a jewel. You are worth fighting for. The fault does not lie with you. It lies with him as, in my case, it lies with her. He is broken. You are not. 100% of infidelity lies with the wayward. Issues in marriage are shared although not equally, IMO. If one brings undisclosed baggage to the marriage there can not be an equal sharing.
You are worth fighting for. You are not disposable. You are valuable. You are valuable as a mother and a member of society. It is the problem of the wayward when they can not see that.
I am so sorry for your pain and the situation you are in. I wish there was something that I could do to ease your suffering. There is not. Just know that I heard you. Please look after yourself. Your son and your daughter need you. We need you. We need you to be safe and a loving, caring parent to your cildren. God bless.
Sorry. Try to think of it like this. Know you know HE is not worth fighting for. You have a lot of other things in your life that are good. Focus on those.
Give yourself the night to cry and take in the pain. Try to sleep.
Tomorrow. Wake up and take some control back. Set up a preliminary appointment with an attorney. Take that power back.
It sounds silly, but I spent those dark times thinking about how good I was at mowing my lawn. How I can make the best pasta sauce. Everybody has that one thing they do great and know it.
Validating yourself can be scary and uncomfortable. I get that. You keep working at it.
Hold a hand on your chest and speak that " I am going to be OK. I am a good human being. I am worth the love that I can give myself."
Again it sounds corny, but it did seem to help me at times.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
I spent every one of those nights crying, alone with just my kids (although i held it together until they went to bed) and i was just plain broken. I couldnt sleep, i couldnt eat, i just cried and cried and thought about what they were doing. Up until recently i would text him while he was gone and beg, plead, nag, and pour my heart out. Once i stopped (which was extremely hard) he started texting me, which lead to me getting satisfaction out of it and i got stronger and stopped crying so much. He eventually got the hint and started becoming interested in why i "wasnt hurting" ( i was, trust me ) but it lead to him staying home and eventually to talking and now to NC with the OW.
Cry all you need to, but dont give him the satisfaction of knowing how bad it hurts you. It was my biggest mistake. Do what you need to do to grieve but dont let him know you are bothered. Hopefully he will wake up and see that you are doing okay without him and he will be attracted to you being so strong and mysterious.
Good luck hun, i am here if you need to talk. Been there done that.
I texted him because I do not want to know what he's doing, who hes with. I don't need a play by play anymore. I don't need him to feel like he owes me an explanation anymore. He said it's done, so it's done. I don't need him checking in with me anymore, because frankly, I need to move on, and I cannot move on if some days he decides he wants to treat me like a wife and some days he wants to laugh in my face and tell me I drove him to this. I just want 100% no contact unless it is absolutely necessary.
My new motto is "one day at a time". I am in control of my emotions, NOT HIM.
In-house separations simply don't work. They're like an endurance test - not for the feint of heart.
Is there a plan for the very near future that one of you will be moving out?
Good luck to you.
I am trying to force myself to eat. I had a good 40lbs to lose anyways, so I guess this will be my jump start. starting the gym tonight. I need to do things that make ME feel good.
good luck with these next few weeks, hun. I can only imagine how hard it will be. Please keep us updated. I will be thinking of you.
Never Again, yes, he will be moving out August 18. I am trying to be a amicable as possible, so I gave him a 2 week extension of the state requirement 30 days to get his shit together. It will be tough, but we have been living miserably together for 3 years anyways, so whats an additional 18 days.
Well I think 18 days of hell is a really long time. Of him throwing the A in your face, leaving you in tears.
Why would you be "amicable" with him and subject yourself to 18 more days of emotional abuse??
Id tell him you changed your mind. I just hate to see you and your kids exposed to such horrible treatment for even a day more.
"I really think we can both grow and be more successful separated. You can be yourself with dd. And I can be myself with dd. We can both give her completely different examples for how to be successful contributing members of society. You are more free will and free spirited and more artsy lol I'm more military live by the schedule die by the schedule. We can both teacher her how we really are and she can be more like one of us or she can master both of us and she can be 50/50 us all our best qualities and she will run the world. I don't what to fight and I don't want to argue. We are different and that's ok. We are both amazing people. I will stop using over 700$ of your income. And you can really flourish without the weight of me financially. I'm asking you to help me get it under control and be patient and don't let me miss any payments or anything please. But mainly i need to stop looking over my shoulder. I need to know you won't do anything that will hurt my future. You have mentioned several ways you could do that but I'm asking you to help me. I need to know you’re not looking through my stuff in any way and not looking for reasons to get mad and ruin my career".
It just hurts that I'm not worth the fight. Some other girl who helps him with his homework is though...
[This message edited by Numb2014 at 2:36 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]
I don't understand why he made plans for our future as recent as Monday. We were discussing bills, and he was mapping out with me our finances so that we could finally get a house next year. He was at Lowes last weekend looking for things to make repairs to the house. All the while he had a girlfriend, who he still denies even though I showed him my proof. He keeps saying "I don't have a girlfriend, I didn't cheat. Those emails aren't what they look like but it's not worth explaining". My brother said its because he doesn't care about this girl so to him, he's not invested. but I can guarantee he is moving in with her come august.....
I started teh day off strong. Now I am sitting at my desk, struggling to not cry. I just want to go home, in my room and just cry hysterically.
[This message edited by Numb2014 at 2:48 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]
I obviously dont know your H but why do i have a feeling he will crawl back to you like a sad puppy. What would you do? Are you sticking with D or would you give it a chance?