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love struck, confused, worried i'm falling for it :-(

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missingmyhubby posted 6/30/2014 20:59 PM

I have some background posted on here if anyone wants to read, but i will try and put this into shorter words for those who dont have time for all my ranting.

H had an EA starting in March, ending May 1st (ish).

Things have been insanely rocky since finding out and R wasnt something that seemed to be near. He was a gas lighter, he showed very little remorse. He still left me every weekend. We did not talk at all unless it was fighting and me crying. He couldnt stand to be around me but would not answer when i asked if he wanted to D. (We have 3 children and 1 on the way) we still live together, but he was only here during the week and seemed to have plans every weekend. Things were just pure hell. We could not get along for nothing.

so fast forward to now...for the last 3 weekends he has been staying home, starting out slowly with not being so hostile, starting simple friendly conversation, and then the next weekend being very nice, more and more conversation, 1 night of intimacy (i caved and went along with it because i was craving being "loved" again and so on...

Well i thought too good to be true...follow 180, dont give him the satisfaction of walking right back into my heart like nothing happened, he will probably leave next weekend. Well he didnt leave. We had a pretty decent weekend. He stayed home, acted like the father he used to be, took the kids fun places while i was at work, was kind to me, waited until i went to bed before he did (something he used to do before the A) and even snuggled up to me and laid his hand on my tummy and rubbed it (braxton hicks kick my ass and i have been having severe pain some nights). So...all in all i responded kindly, but not overly friendly. I dont want him to think thats all it takes to keep me hanging around after the hell he put me through since the A...

BUT...i feel like i'm caving. I want to fall into his arms and be loved, i want to pretend like this didnt happen and be "normal" again. I mean we have been together 13 years, married 8 and all of sudden having no love shown to me was rough. I cant let him off that easy because 1 of 2 things will happen. 1: he will leave me hanging again once he has lured me in JUST enough or 2: he will see what a push over i am and feel like his mistake wasnt so bad.

I just miss him, getting all this attention and kindness from him really has me feeling love struck and i crave physical and emotional affection so badly. But what do i do??? Continue to play it cool and brush him off a little or believe maybe he has finally realized what he has done to me and is trying to be the man he was such a short time ago??

Please guide me so i do the right thing. I dont want to be a rug sweeper but i also dont want him to think i am being too cold when he might actually be trying.

Thank you for reading my long boring story..i'm just so confused and his sudden "love" has me seeing hearts again :-(

[This message edited by missingmyhubby at 9:01 PM, June 30th (Monday)]

OakStreet posted 6/30/2014 21:08 PM

Have you two talked about counseling?

I think some spouses don't understand that an EA can be as devastating as a PA. Either he needs to do some reading on that, or some MC could supply that info.

He needs to realize that you have been betrayed and he will have to take the necessary steps to
1) help you heal and 2) figure out why he did this.

Good luck to you!

Raspberry posted 6/30/2014 21:44 PM

My so.sorry. Been there done that. Infidelity sucks but when you're pregnant its even worse (I think).

I'm hear for you want to chat. My wh cheated on me with hookers when I was pregnant and it caused me to have my baby almost 5 weeks early. The pain in itself is bad, but being pregnant magnifies it.

Big hugs. They all.suck

missingmyhubby posted 6/30/2014 21:46 PM

I dont know...H has been very set against ever going to any sort of MC and i dont believe his mistakes will be a good enough reason still...he thinks thats for people who are trying to save something not worth saving. I however have contemplated going to IC to better myself and to better cope with what happened.

missingmyhubby posted 6/30/2014 21:49 PM

@ raspberry...
yes they do all suck. It is harder being pregnant and especially when he wanted this baby more than i did. I always wanted 4 children but never thought i was ready quite yet. Well..i went off bc for him and he we are pregnant and i cant help but feeling lost.

I'm just not sure how to handle his change in mood right now. I am craving love but dont want to give in too easily.

TimeToGo2014 posted 6/30/2014 21:50 PM

We all have that physical ache for intimacy, attention and to be wanted by our SO. I can understand why his few days of being more attentive is giving you hope and making you weak in the knees. To avoid disappointment I would continue to be cool and not overly receptive to his affection. Keep him wondering if you're still on the fence, that you do have SOME disdain for what he's done to you. You'll become stronger for it.

missingmyhubby posted 6/30/2014 21:59 PM


I was thinking the same thing. It is so hard though. This man has a way of putting me in a frenzy of emotions. I have such a hard time turning my back when he is drawing me closer.

TimeToGo2014 posted 6/30/2014 22:05 PM

I totally understand that. I have co-dependency issues so my feelings and actions are based on my SO's feelings and actions. Which isn't healthy, I know! But if you can think of it like this- do what you haven't done before, maybe you'll get a better reaction from him this time. If you're usually easy to forgive and warm, that doesn't trigger anything in him to want to change his behavior. If you just stay on the cool side, maybe it'll make him perk up.

Hang in there!

missingmyhubby posted 6/30/2014 22:17 PM

Thanks for the advice! I will do my best. He is a roofer and is working over the road this week with his crew, so playing it cool is a little easier right now than it is when he's home.

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