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Nice weekend....and it went for shit :(

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brokengirl37 posted 7/1/2014 01:45 AM

My H is an emotionally unavailable man. The things in our marriage that I overlooked are really starting to bother me now that I have my eyes wide open. I have had some things happen recently that had me spirally out of control, have dealt with them, processed the pain and moved on, or so I thought. I made the decision to take a hard look at myself and ask Do I continue this journey with him? Or do I get out because I know things will probably be the same? Just this weekend my kids were out of town with the granparents so I decided to see if we could connect on a deeper level. We had a fantastic weekend, and I even asked him if he was "all in" of course he said yes. Then to find out he lied 4 times in 2 days, not serious things but its the principal of it KWIM? The man doesn't know how to be authentic, I don't think he know's how. He went to 3 IC appointments and then turned it over to me because the therapist wanted to see where my head was at He hasn't read a book. To me its like he just wants this to all magically go away, and it wont.

Fear has kept me where Im at. Fear of the unknown, fear of change, fearful of my kids broken hearts. I don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of and it scares me to death. I don't know what Im doing most days, just walking around in a daze with all of these thoughts. I know they say not to make a decision until six months, its been four, I just feel like I take 2 steps forward and 5 back. I just want peace and understanding. He doesn't understand, or maybe he is manipulating me into doing the dirty work for him so it looks like he tried to make it work to everyone else, but at the same time making me look crazy

Thanks for letting me vent...I am just drained and emotionally spent.

Jrazz posted 7/1/2014 02:07 AM


You don't have to have all the answers right now. I know pretty well about that fear and how it rules a lot of our processes. There is no shame in taking as much time as you need to gather your wits, or resources.

You are not alone. Take deep breaths, and do everything in small, manageable steps. You can't control him. You CAN control you, and there are useable moments in every day to treat yourself kindly and to start down a path that makes you feel better, even if it's something as simple as reading or taking a class or going for a walk.

Be gentle with yourself. This is a long process but we're here to help you through it.

BrokenheartedUK posted 7/1/2014 08:11 AM

Broken--I could have written your post. I accept that there are two steps forward and five back but my husband doesn't which drives me crazy. He won't do IC but will do MC. I'm in IC which definitely helps.

I think my husband really struggles to accept what he's done and face up to it. Man up!! When he confessed to not having read the book I got for him--How to help your Spouse recover from your affair--I lost it totally. So...he's now reluctantly reading it.

It is ridiculous that we should be shouldering the entire burden of the recovery/reconciliation on our own shoulders.

KatyDo posted 7/1/2014 12:52 PM

Be careful broken - I know first hand the roller coaster we go on with these inauthentic men. They lie to themselves first which makes it hard to know what can be true. My h is in IC and still struggling with honesty.

MomtoRoses posted 7/1/2014 13:13 PM

You are not alone.
My wh is a chronic liar. CHRONIC. And little emotional intimacy. I told our mc, I don't mind the lack of emotional intimacy bc much of the world is like that, but I cant be married to a man who is emotionally unavailable AND screws other women. Not a good combo.

It has helped that my wh goes to sa meetings.

Right now, I feel as though I'm trying to work on reconciliation and prepare for a divorce at the same time. I'm very afraid about our future. I don't like either of my choices. I stay and have a lifetime of distrust and pain or leave and still have to be connected to the jerk bc of our kids for the rest of my life. Right now, I'm trying to make it through today. All i can do.

brokengirl37 posted 7/1/2014 13:25 PM

Thank you Jrazz. I know I am not alone but it sure feels like it. I was a positive happy person before this happened and now have turned into a slobbering blubbering mess of sorrow and regret and resentment. I feel like my sail has deflated. I know time will heal, it just sucks that it seems like its at a snails pace.

BrokenheartedUK - That's the hardest part is knowing I am doing all the work, and he is just reacting to my pain but not really doing anything about it. Why should I put in the effort into this marriage and it isn't returned? I am struggling with the fact that this is who he has been and always will be. I CANNOT change him into something that I want if he is incapable of doing so. He is a simple person (not that I am calling him dumb) but he is incapable of complex feelings and emotions and I cant change that. This shit is to hard. I feel stuck with my emotions and encased with fear of not knowing what I am doing is the right thing or not. This site has helped so much...words cannot express my appreciation for all of everyone's insight and points of view

brokengirl37 posted 7/1/2014 13:33 PM

Katydo- thanks. Its so frustrating..the stupid lies. I asked him last night if you know you are going to be caught in a lie and know what my reaction will be.. which is almost always anger then why do it? I got the "I don't know" Like c'mon buddy you cant be that dense.

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