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Blanket posted 7/1/2014 08:26 AM

Does remorse come eventually to all ? My H regrets what he has done but hasn't really owned it and acknowledged it. He has provided the odd 'sorry' but no where near the emotional apology one would hope to receive. He has well and truly buried his head in the sand and has decided we are going to move on! Does remorse cone naturally?

JustShine posted 7/1/2014 10:09 AM

I would imagine that, like everything else, remorse is something that falls along a continuum, with some Ws never experiencing remorse, and some experiencing remorse fully and immediately.

In my case, remorse wasn't immediate, but when it truly arrived it was complete and game-changing. And clear. I had no more questions about whether he was remorseful or not. But it took a full 3 months after DDay to get there, with some truly shitty behavior in the interim.

veronique12 posted 7/1/2014 11:52 AM

Yes, the same here. Took several months for it to sink in for H how terribly he messed up and how much he hurt me and our family. Only very recently has he started looking in deeper and taking responsibility for choosing to lie and cheat instead of speaking up about being unhappy with our M. For my H, he didn't get that what he needed to explore was why he chose dishonesty over honesty. Instead he was saying that he was unhappy b/c I shut down emotionally so that's why he cheated and to me that wasn't taking complete responsibility. Sure that was a factor, but something else led him to chose lying over honesty. He is also now able to admit to me that his behavior was aggressive and vindictive. That he actually felt some pleasure at cheating on me with a mutual "friend" who was flaunting it in my face unbeknownst to me. Just hearing him admit that has been a huge step for us. He couldn't even admit it to himself until now because it went so against the person he imagined himself to be.

MomtoRoses posted 7/1/2014 13:18 PM

our mc said it takes a few years to grasp the enormity of the destruction of cheating. Bc I'm still in the marriage, my wh doesn't think it was that bad....just a blip in the screen. I told him I never would have married him if I knew he would do this and he was SHOCKED. Seriously, dude?? I've cried every day since I found out and you're shocked???

Lark posted 7/1/2014 14:00 PM

I think it depends on why they got into the affair, whether they're in a fog or not, and ultimately who they are.

I don't think everyone experiences remorse, no matter the timeline or hurt of their spouse.

I do think for those that do hit remorse, some hit it much faster than others.

Blanket posted 7/3/2014 08:54 AM

I think my WH is finally coming through the fog and turning a small corner.
I'm not sure I'm giving him enough reason to be remorseful? Does he do that or do I need to demonstrate the hurt he has caused?
Can you R without remorse?

Summerluv123 posted 7/3/2014 10:10 AM

I'm kind of new here, but not to A's (see my siggy). I just wanted to add that after WH's last A (little over 1 week ago). I can truly say I have seen remorse. Did not see this the last 2 times. Sounds stupid for me to even write that I am still with him after 3 A's...but here I am.

I think the game changer this time is that I started the 180 immediately and threw him out of the house. I was doing 180 before I had even found this site. He was truly devastated. At first I thought it was due to being caught, but no he was really affected by how he hurt his kids and myself. You could see it in his eyes.

Fast forward a few days. We both started IC and after the first sessions we had the most honest and real conversation we have ever had with each other. It's a shame it took almost 30 years to get to that point. We will start MC soon, but he is still living outside of the house. We are going to take this slow - start totally over (dating).

I can say that I have seen true remorse this time. Did not know what it looked like until now. One thing that really helped him see the A's real affect on us was to read "How to help your Spouse heal from your Affair". He said it helped him see his selfish ways and that he needed help (IC and MC) if this was going to work. He has already uncovered issues he is going to work on with his IC. As of this moment, I think he is ready for the hard work.

Just to mention...I still do the 180 to a certain extent. I do not get emotional with him and I think my self-confidence is letting him know that I have not made my decision. He knows I am waiting to see if he does the hard work and rebuild the lost trust and security.

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