SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Changing

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

lovemywife4ever posted 7/1/2014 08:42 AM

I am trying to change myself and see why I don't cope well. I keep asking why to each question that arises and each reason I think answers those. Has anyone really got stuck figuring it out even though you know you need to change tendencies and ways of dealing? I am changing my coping but stuck on how I got that far gone. Do BS get that even we don't get the why necessarily at first or maybe ever? I don't want to let my BS down and want to fix us as well as me. It feels like she is slipping away more and more, then pulls back to me, and gone again.

somethingremorse posted 7/1/2014 08:56 AM

I had a similar experience. I feel like I started learning to change my reactions before I figured out why I used to react a certain way.

I tend to think it's a back and forth process. For example, if something didn't go my way, I'd just say screw it and withdraw from the whole situation. As I really got going in IC, I recognized that I could not withdraw, because that led into depression. So I fixed my behavior first.

Sometimes I'd be able to go through these times with my BW or Cs. That's when I could start to understand where the old thinking was. I could say the difference between me now and me then was X. So why was I thinking X before? And questions like that helped me get to my process back then.

It builds on itself. I know if thinking X leads to a bad place, then I try to think differently. This helps me act differently.

It took me probably 4 months of a lot of work to just start to understand myself. Hang in there. If you keep actively looking and trying to fix yourself, you will get there.

DrJekyll posted 7/1/2014 10:24 AM

Ditto to somethingremorse

My MC explained that the BS will feel the love and withdraw like a pendulum. they will go back and forth. One thing that my BS and I noticed, was when I let her withdraw, and didn't panic, and she allowed herself to withdraw. She seemed to go through it better and quicker. When before that,

my BS and I would fight against the withdraw. It would drag it out for days. Which would harm the recovery process.

I keep asking why to each question that arises and each reason I think answers those

for myself these questions get answered in layers. at first I get the top layer, and then later I get the next layer, and then the next. You should revisit your questions periodically and see if your answer is still the same, or if it has evolved into a new answer.

EvolvingSoul posted 7/3/2014 01:05 AM

Has anyone really got stuck figuring it out even though you know you need to change tendencies and ways of dealing? I am changing my coping but stuck on how I got that far gone.
Yes. Stuck. A number of times. Or it felt that way, anyway. I remember times asking my therapist "Is this process really going anywhere? Why is it so slow?!!"

The truth is, it's a variable speed deal, and I think it kind of has to be if you're doing it right. Each realization, discovery, insight, whatever you want to call it, takes a while to settle in. And when it does, it'll become the basis for a deeper insight, and so on. Sometimes a few of those things pile up and combine into a whole new realization that you couldn't have had without each individual revelation.

Sometimes I've found myself freaking out about knowing just exactly when I'm "done". Is there a center to the freaking onion? So far, four years in, I'm still peeling and still making progress. I'm light years where I was from D-day and now I'm wrestling down my very old, pre-affair, pre-marriage even pre-adult demons.

It seems like you are relatively new to this kind of introspection so it might take you some time to get a feel for the rhythm of it but, to use the onion analogy, keep peeling. Hang in there. It is a worthwhile process.

Strength and perseverance to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

lovemywife4ever posted 7/3/2014 07:29 AM

I appreciate your help. Stuck is the best way to describe us. I am trying to be supportive and enjoy helping her and doing things and want to do those things. She gets upset when I do. It makes me feel like doing these things is wrong. Egg shells all over the ground here. Trying to find the path through those egg shells.

hardlessons posted 7/3/2014 17:45 PM

It feels like she is slipping away more and more, then pulls back to me, and gone again.

This will go on for some time and is out of your control. Yes you will get stuck and that is part of the process, its not hitting the wall that is the issue it is how you deal with that headbanging that will define your healing. I was and can be a crash test dummy and the only way I have been successful is in accepting the fact that I failed and then figuring out how to not do it again.. Our brains are trained to handle stuff in the worst way possible and thats our new job, retrain our thought process.
Good luck and keep learning.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.