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WearingTheHorns (original poster member #37916) posted at 3:05 PM on Tuesday, July 1st, 2014
Asked this in the menz thread but thought I'd ask here as welll. The last couple of times WW and I talked about her A's she's sworn she's changed, will never do it again, etc., but there's been no "I'm sorry". I've told her before I don't need to hear it every day. But after thinkng about it, I don't really know how often I want/need to hear it. I'm not sure if it'd make a difference if I heard each time we talk or not. Do you find it helps to hear it, does it not matter, or does it ring hollow when you do hear it?
Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months
Hoped I'd never have to add this: Dday #2 11/22/2015 Not sure how far it went yet but have a pretty good idea.
2 Cor. 12:9-10
Didact ( member #42867) posted at 3:07 PM on Tuesday, July 1st, 2014
I'm only 3 months out.
But right now, if it is heartfelt, it means everything to me to still hear it.
On the other hand, when it is empty or going through the motions, it hurts.
No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.
BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R
karmahappens ( member #35846) posted at 3:12 PM on Tuesday, July 1st, 2014
It made me feel better when I saw how sorry he was.
In the first few months I wanted the words, but after the shock wore off I needed to see the "I am sorry" in action.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd
misslocket ( new member #43865) posted at 3:21 PM on Tuesday, July 1st, 2014
I agree, sorry may be all well and good but I think sometimes they sorry to make themselves feel better about what they did not necessarily for you.
Sorry should be shown in the actions of making things right not just a word.
My OH says sorry every day and to be honest im sick of sorry, i just want him to put in the work not keep apologising for the mistakes hes made.
'All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they are not all the same.' Marilyn Monroe
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:21 PM on Tuesday, July 1st, 2014
For me, the actions speak louder than the words - but that's me. You get to choose how important it is to you.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 6:32 PM on Tuesday, July 1st, 2014
Personally - The words early on meant nothing. He had just spent the last 7 months lying and justifying, to get away with it. Sorry meant zero.
What did mean something? Actions. When his behaviors changed, and saw him healing himself, I knew he was sorry and full of remorse for what he did to us. I also was happy to hear that his goal was to heal us, heal himself, and make me laugh every day (which he does). That meant more than sorry. It meant the actions changed and it wouldn't happen again. It meant he was doing the work.
He isn't a really verbal emotions kind of guy either, and I knew this. I needed reassurance, that he was happy with his choice, I needed to know he didn't have regrets in regard to his family, kids, and me. When I did need to hear the sorry from him, I would get it, if I asked for it, but it was rarely offered up on it's own.
Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.
iwillNOT ( member #40605) posted at 9:25 PM on Tuesday, July 1st, 2014
11 mos out here, and yes it is very important to hear I'm sorry. Frequently, and in detail. Not just sorry, but I'm sorry that my car is triggering you, it was awful and thoughtless for me to give her a ride in the same seat you use. What can I do to help? Sell the car?
I will say that sorry was hard to hear early on. I would think, sorry? Are you kidding? If you're sorry, then why do it in the first place? It was just hurtful to hear., and felt insincere.
Now, it feels sincere. It is backed up by actions, and it helps me when I am hurting.
Me: BS, 46
Him: WH, 47
Together 24 years
4 amazing kids
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Choosing myself daily and R almost every
Time Ticks On ( member #33772) posted at 3:29 AM on Wednesday, July 2nd, 2014
For me it did help. Though after he said it hundreds of time, I wanted him to say what he was sorry for. That way I knew he meant it.
FBW- 50
FWH-51
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 25 years- together 27
What doesn't kill me, scars me.
jupiter13 ( member #40999) posted at 5:05 AM on Wednesday, July 2nd, 2014
Sorry is something he has maybe said 10 times in 3 yrs. I need to hear it every time I am hurting, I want him to tell me what it is he is sorry for in detail. I won't get it and I will always feel he is not sorry enough. If he ever held me when I cried well maybe he did a few times and said he was sorry then it would have meant a lot to me. If he had listened to me or read my emails and responded with his feelings with details expressing remorse instead of sarcasm and short "I'm here for you now," it would help. If he every validated my feelings as if I or we meant more to him than the day to day life and the business it would have helped. Just to name a few things that would have really meant something to me.
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