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WearingTheHorns posted 7/1/2014 09:05 AM

Asked this in the menz thread but thought I'd ask here as welll. The last couple of times WW and I talked about her A's she's sworn she's changed, will never do it again, etc., but there's been no "I'm sorry". I've told her before I don't need to hear it every day. But after thinkng about it, I don't really know how often I want/need to hear it. I'm not sure if it'd make a difference if I heard each time we talk or not. Do you find it helps to hear it, does it not matter, or does it ring hollow when you do hear it?

Didact posted 7/1/2014 09:07 AM

I'm only 3 months out.

But right now, if it is heartfelt, it means everything to me to still hear it.

On the other hand, when it is empty or going through the motions, it hurts.

karmahappens posted 7/1/2014 09:12 AM

It made me feel better when I saw how sorry he was.

In the first few months I wanted the words, but after the shock wore off I needed to see the "I am sorry" in action.

misslocket posted 7/1/2014 09:21 AM

I agree, sorry may be all well and good but I think sometimes they sorry to make themselves feel better about what they did not necessarily for you.
Sorry should be shown in the actions of making things right not just a word.
My OH says sorry every day and to be honest im sick of sorry, i just want him to put in the work not keep apologising for the mistakes hes made.

sisoon posted 7/1/2014 12:21 PM

For me, the actions speak louder than the words - but that's me. You get to choose how important it is to you.

tushnurse posted 7/1/2014 12:32 PM

Personally - The words early on meant nothing. He had just spent the last 7 months lying and justifying, to get away with it. Sorry meant zero.

What did mean something? Actions. When his behaviors changed, and saw him healing himself, I knew he was sorry and full of remorse for what he did to us. I also was happy to hear that his goal was to heal us, heal himself, and make me laugh every day (which he does). That meant more than sorry. It meant the actions changed and it wouldn't happen again. It meant he was doing the work.

He isn't a really verbal emotions kind of guy either, and I knew this. I needed reassurance, that he was happy with his choice, I needed to know he didn't have regrets in regard to his family, kids, and me. When I did need to hear the sorry from him, I would get it, if I asked for it, but it was rarely offered up on it's own.

iwillNOT posted 7/1/2014 15:25 PM

11 mos out here, and yes it is very important to hear I'm sorry. Frequently, and in detail. Not just sorry, but I'm sorry that my car is triggering you, it was awful and thoughtless for me to give her a ride in the same seat you use. What can I do to help? Sell the car?

I will say that sorry was hard to hear early on. I would think, sorry? Are you kidding? If you're sorry, then why do it in the first place? It was just hurtful to hear., and felt insincere.

Now, it feels sincere. It is backed up by actions, and it helps me when I am hurting.

Time Ticks On posted 7/1/2014 21:29 PM

For me it did help. Though after he said it hundreds of time, I wanted him to say what he was sorry for. That way I knew he meant it.

jupiter13 posted 7/1/2014 23:05 PM

Sorry is something he has maybe said 10 times in 3 yrs. I need to hear it every time I am hurting, I want him to tell me what it is he is sorry for in detail. I won't get it and I will always feel he is not sorry enough. If he ever held me when I cried well maybe he did a few times and said he was sorry then it would have meant a lot to me. If he had listened to me or read my emails and responded with his feelings with details expressing remorse instead of sarcasm and short "I'm here for you now," it would help. If he every validated my feelings as if I or we meant more to him than the day to day life and the business it would have helped. Just to name a few things that would have really meant something to me.