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Ree555 posted 7/1/2014 09:10 AM

Little over two weeks since D day and still trying to sort things out in my head. Thankfully WS is fully remorseful, takes compete ownership of his actions, and is now 100% committed to repairing our marriage and making it better than ever. He is devastated that he made such a huge mistake (A was 3 month relationship with coworker) and jeopardized losing our family. There is NC with OW, and in fact she's moving out of state, and I have full access to texts, emails, etc. I do believe him that he wants to change and make things right. But I am still trying to process everything, which includes being an emotional mess at times, fluctuating between anger and sadness. I've been asking a ton of questions about A because I feel like it will help me understand what happened and how to work through it. He, on the other hand, hates talking about it, says it's not productive to dwell on it, but says he'll do whatever I need to move forward. How much should I be pushing things - should I expect him to disclose everything about A if I want him to? And my impulse is to keep bringing things up and rubbing it in his face to make him feel bad and understand the hurt I"m feeling, but I'm also thinking that wouldn't be productive. Just not sure what the 'right' thing to do next is... Thanks in advance for any thoughts or advice.

misslocket posted 7/1/2014 09:17 AM

Hi Ree555,

I feel what your feeling here, its so difficult.
I needed to know everything, every detail but now it haunts me but I felt I could not move forward knowing that he shared something with the OW that I knew nothing about.
My OH hates talking about it too, he justs wants to 'get on' 'move forward' but its not as simple as that, us women are inquisitive beings and we delve and analyse everything sometimes to our detriment.
Only you will know what's right for you, everyone is different.
I find I throw some of the things he told me back in his face at times which I know isn't productive but im only human.
If you want to know 'everything' just be prepared for some things that will utterly devastate you, I hated hearing it but I respected that my OH was brutally honest with me.
Only you will know what is right for you, there is no right or wrong and no easy solution to get through this. Good luck. x

confused615 posted 7/1/2014 10:21 AM

Yes...if you want full disclosure, then he should be willing to answer anything and everything. He sounds like he wants to rugsweep. Don't let that happen.

Tell him how you feel. Let him see your pain and anger. He needs to see the damage his actions have caused. It has nothing to do with punishing him. You have been traumatized..stuffing your feelings will have severe, negative consequences.

This is a 2-5 year process. And the first few months are usually spent talking about the affair.

If he is truly remorseful, then he won't expect you to not talk about it.

forgivingnow posted 7/2/2014 09:16 AM

You ask what you need to ask, whether it is now, 6 months from now or a year. Just remember you can't "unknow" the answers so sometimes it is helpful to wait to ask a question to see if you really want/need to know that particular information. It is very common for the WS to not want to answer ?'s. they feel guilt, shame & just want to move forward. But we need answers to process our reality.
Have you both read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair?

sisoon posted 7/2/2014 11:51 AM

I'm really sorry you qualify for membership in SI, but since you do, I'm glad you found us. Be sure to check out the Healing Library and threads that show bull's eyes in JFO.

I suggest thinking about your motivation for asking your questions.

If you think an answer will help you heal, ask your Q, whatever it is.

If you think you're asking to make him feel bad, instead of asking a Q, try out saying something like, 'I'm furious that you did (fill in the blank)!' That may be more satisfying to you.

IMO, you'll probably have multiple goals for many questions. Go with the more important one - if you mainly want info, ask; If you mainly want to shame him, don't ask.

Remember that you can't unlearn what you hear, so be sure you want an answer if you ask the question - but don't hold back if you want the answer.

Now is a time to test your WS's willingness to meet your needs. Don't stifle yourself.

Don't worry about asking the same question multiple times. The answers are often so awful that they can't be taken in at once.

Your H's desire not to talk about his A seems normal to me. His willingness to answer is a strong positive for R, IMO.

BrokenheartedUK posted 7/2/2014 12:22 PM

What your saying is fairly normal in the process. FWS hate talking about it because they have to admit what they did-duh.

Get a couple of books and give them to him so that HE can see that what you are asking for is reasonable and will help you heal. I've read "Not just Friends" and "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" both of which I'd recommend.

FixYou71 posted 7/2/2014 13:46 PM

Goood advice so far.
Here's a link to an article here in the Healing Library. This is for your H to read (re why it's important to your healing to ask questions and get answers) Hope it helps.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp