Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Consumption during R

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

BrokenPiecesofMe posted 7/1/2014 09:32 AM

Has anyone ever experienced R as consuming your whole life? I find myself wondering if he is really doing what he says he is doing? Then I bounce back to thoughts, Does he really want to be with me? Does he really love me? How can he does this to me?
Is this just a part of the healing process? I just want to have some sort of normalcy in our lives.
I feel like I am so consumed with him & us, i think im pushing him away.

Please help.

[This message edited by BrokenPiecesofMe at 9:45 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]

misslocket posted 7/1/2014 09:50 AM

I feel you, you feel exactly as I do and its awful.
I question every day if he wants me or not, I bombard him when pre A it was never a question, everything in your old normal life just seems to disappear and all rational thought is completely out the window.
I understand your pain, I do and I guess we are going through the motions of what's happened to us.
I used to be strong, independent and in control now I'm just a pathetic mess who is needy and dependable on a person who has destroyed my life.
Its terrible because they have caused this, they should be begging us but somehow it always seems the other way, very hard to stand up and take ownership of yourself when your heart is truly broken.
You're not alone in your thoughts.

WhereIsHome posted 7/1/2014 09:54 AM

Agree unless the wayward is all in R is a complete mindfuck. WW still on fence after 2.5 months driving me batty.

BrokenPiecesofMe posted 7/1/2014 09:57 AM

Wow misslocket. I read your post in the forum just before you responded to this post. I guess we are feeling the same. You hit the nail on the head here..."I used to be strong, independent and in control now I'm just a pathetic mess who is needy and dependable on a person who has destroyed my life. "

How do we change that? I went to therapy, it didn't work for me the way I had hoped. I have books that Ive read. Maybe I need to read some more. My WS said the other night that he was going to talk to a counselor & I just encouraged it. But I cant do it for him. But if he doesnt figure out why he did what he did, im afraid he will continue to do it. Not because I've taken him back, but because there is more to it, it is not just surface level.
Im scared of losing him, im trying to step back today. Seeing as I have FREAKED out the last couple of days on him. He doesnt want to talk to me at the moment. He said I am too much to handle right now. & it just hurts.
I am sending you hugs.

Blanket posted 7/2/2014 02:47 AM

I feel exactly the same. Every single day. I wake up in the morning and for the first 30second forget and feel just how I used to and then bam reality falls on me like a ton of bricks. I then watch him get ready for work wondering if that is where he is really going and if he doesn't say the right thing or act affectionately all manner of doubts creep in . I constantly look for signs that he does/doesn't really love me ? Does he want to be here with me? Is he thinking of her?
I too am desperate for 'normality' particularly as it seems to have resumed so seamlessly for him!
It IS all consuming.
I have however reached a point where I know I would be ok without him, that's not to say I want to be as I adore him but my life would not be over and life as I once knew it is over now anyway.
I too was a strong independent , career woman with a good fitness regime and healthy social life. These days I smoke 20 a day barely eat, not been to work for 3months , don't see friends -what do you say to that inevitable first question 'how are things?', and leaving the house is a massive ordeal! It is debilitating.
I have been to IC and it did help. I now recognise my role in the break down of communication and our marriage reaching crisis point but I will not take responsibility for the A .
We are all loveable people and no one deserves this pain.
At some point you have to stop torturing your self, dealing with emotions is necessary but nothing you can do can answer the does he love me, will he do it again....
You have to look after you , the person you always thought would look after you has been the one to cause you the worst pain you've ever experienced and who can you now turn to. If you can believe you can do this and recognise that actually just making the decision to fight for your marriage makes you a fighter and a strong individual you will start to have faith in you again.
My husband has said time and time again he doesn't know what he wants , then he loves me, then he's not sure again. I can't control that , all I can do is make sure I will be ok.
This gets a tiny but better each day but try to focus on you , it is so so hard but you can do it. Believe in your self.

painfulpast posted 7/2/2014 05:21 AM

Agree unless the wayward is all in R is a complete mindfuck.

Even if they are all in, it's a mindfuck. The lack of trust and security will do a number on anyone, and in the first year, WS all in or not, it's hard to not think about the A every second of every day. The A completely shatters our worlds. Nothing is as it was, nothing. Learning and accepting this new reality takes time.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.