As to why I don't look at her when she is angry with me. (which I have agreed to work harder on) I told her when I see the pain in her eyes I feel that this may be a deal breaker no matter what. And that I lose hope. 2 things came to mind.
1. This reaffirmed to me why a WS has to heal for themselves, because in all reality this is likely a deal breaker.
2. A question. Do I need to give up on hope in order to progress?
All opinions are welcome.
Thanks in advance.
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
I do not PM with Women
You need to let go of the outcomes here, not lose hope. Two different things. Letting go of the outcomes means you stop trying to control what happens. You only take care of your side of the fence.
No, you have to heal for yourself not because this could be a dealbreaker, but because you need to be a person you can be proud of.
I get that, it just reminded me that any actions based on the BS. Could eventually become null and void in the deal-breaker scenario.
Also, make sure that when you see pain in her eyes that you don't turn away from that. When you do that, you are making it about you instead of letting it be about her. I know this is hard, but it is a small thing that you can do to be there for her in her times of distress.
Why do you feel that this is likely a deal breaker?
That is her biggest fear. She has come back to that several times. It is a very real possibility.
any actions based on the BS. Could eventually become null and void in the deal-breaker scenario.
Is your hope a fantasy? or is it something that guides you through?
It is very early on in this process. D was a very real possibility for me for two years. I only recently took it off the table and put both feet in my marriage.
I remind myself of this, and it was only about 10 days ago she declared that she wanted to attempt R
Do you do them whole-heartedly, according to your personal values and a desire to acknowledge and honour your BS?
I do them for me. My thought was a reassurance of that. Of how important it is to do them for me. Regardless of the outcome, the strengthening of personal values.
I would say more of a guide, holding onto a glimmer of light in the darkness. My hope is that at the other side of this. There will be 2 people that were broken, and have become whole again. And a marriage that was broken, restored. That is my hope.
Am I being controlling? No.
Have I left go of the outcome? I think Yes.
Is continuing to hope too focused on the outcome?
Is continuing to hope too focused on the outcome?
I don't think so at all. That's what makes the tough times bearable. If I didn't hope for a restored marriage, and trust between us, I do not think I could go through the times when one or both or us are really hurting. Hope is that point on the horizon. You don't focus on it all the time, but you look up to make sure you are going in the right direction.
I cannot completely separate healing myself and the hope to heal our M. After all, the M we are working for, the one that is WORTH having, depends on me being the best partner I can be. So fixing myself is a huge part of hoping for the future.
But I do believe there is an important place for hope on a deeper spiritual level and as much as I wrestle with the fear of letting go, I don't think you should ever give up on your hopes.
Hope is that point on the horizon. You don't focus on it all the time, but you look up to make sure you are going in the right direction.
very well said somethingremorse. Thank you for that.
I'm Co-D, letting go of outcomes is not what comes naturally to me. I control everything and everyone as much as I possibly can. It's the only way I can avoid getting hurt.
Very recently, in the last two months or so I have been making a huge amount of effort to step out of the Co-D cycle and focus on me.
Letting go doesn't mean I don't care or that I'm not able to support my husband or show empathy. In fact, I'm more able to do that because I'm not doing it in a manipulative way in order to protect myself.
I'm doing all this for me, because I don't want to be broken anymore. I don't want to be the sort of person who can have an A.
[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 5:17 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]
My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
I've mostly let go of the outcome and have really made strides in healing myself. I still struggle with it but deep down I now know I cannot control her side of the fence but only my own.
Hope does see you through on those dark days we all have. We can make all the progress we want but the raw emotions still come to the surface. We are only human. I still love my wife and care very deeply about her and the fact is the longer this goes on the more I hurt for what I've done to her.
A new emotion has recently entered the picture in my situation. Because my BW is content to just to not deal with the situation at this point I am in the god awful state of limbo. She is just indifferent at this point. She does not talk about it and just ignores anything I say or do pertaining to what happened. This is causing me to feel like there is no hope and to be honest, I feel some resentment toward her. Every situation is different but we are almost a year out and stuck and going nowhere. I have no idea if she has hope for us or not because she will not talk to me.
Sorry for the t/j but getting back to the topic...this thread struck a chord in me because I'm wondering if I'm getting to the point that I have let go of the outcome AND given up hope. I don't really know what to think about that. Do I just go on like this forever? I don't know. I just try to focus on one day at a time. That's all I can do.
I'm wondering if I'm getting to the point that I have let go of the outcome AND given up hope.
slight t/j, but this stuck out for me, cause it is right where I am at.
We are S, and I have ben told repeatedly that there is no hope for R, but there was always a glimmer of hope (at least in my head)…until just a week or so ago. At todays exchange of kids I just felt different. I was not hoping for more conversation, just ready to get the kids and start my time with them.
Maybe it was just my mood, or just that I finally let go of it.
to your original question though. You are very early in this process, what she thinks is a deal breaker now, can change. My suggestion is to let go of outcome, and for me that meant not doing things in order to get an expected reaction. Do things because they are the right thing to do. the right thing for your healing, and in the larger context, the right thing for your M.
Separated transitioning to D
If I wrote that to him and, after read in it he hugged me to show me he wanted to comfort me, it would be nice but not what I really needed entirely. What would help me would be to know he gets it. If he later came to me and brought it back up on his own and said, You know, I've been thinking about what you wrote. I can't imagine having to go through that. That has to be so painful. I would be really sad if the shoe was on the other foot and I knew you had sought out and been sexually aroused over so many men. I feel so bad that I put you in that mindset. You don't deserve that. Do you ever get any relief from these thoughts or is it constant? Are the mind movies graphic? Does it make you question your ability to satisfy me and makes me happy? I imagine it's going to take quite a bit of time and a lot of me showing you that you really are everything I want and need before you're able to feel safe and not be reminded constantly" Etc. Etc.
Sorry if it's tmi in the example but just want to say that HOW you receive her pain and how you respond can make a huge difference in wether she feels understood and fully heard. If you show interest in her pain (asking questions) it shows you're taking in what she's shared and thoughtfully processing it. Much like if you fail to look her in the eye it feels to her like there's some unwillingness to see and participate in her hell. She needs you there with her. She needs genuine empathy and, as complicated as it is, she needs it most from the one who inflicted all the crushing blows.
Hope this helps a little.
My suggestion is to let go of outcome, and for me that meant not doing things in order to get an expected reaction. Do things because they are the right thing to do. the right thing for your healing, and in the larger context, the right thing for your M.
For those who share a religious point of view there is a very relevant parallel to this in the Bible. Husbands are told to love our wives as Christ loved the church. Well, how did he love the church? He loved us when we were unlovable, he loved us in spite of our sins and he loved us whether we loved him or not. We have to love like that. Just keep doing it for as long as it takes. It's not easy sometimes, when things aren't getting any better the grass seems to be looking greener and greener on the other side of the fence sometimes. But is it really? I love my BW more than anything and I owe it to her to give this everything I've got. So whether hope is there for me or not I plan on keeping on doing all I can do for her and not because I expect a response. Because it's what I should do because it's the right thing to do.
If you've ever read 7 Habits of Highly Effective People then this is probably a familiar diagram.
I think it applies to your question.
The basic premise is that we are way more effective when we focus on things inside our Circle of Influence. In fact, it tends to grow as we put our energy there.
So ... What can you influence versus what are you concerned about?
You can make a better list than me but here's a start.
Inside your Circle of Influence...
Figuring out your why
Giving your wife what she needs to heal
Working to be the best person you can be for the important people in your life.
It's a long list and that is just a start
Your Circle of Concern contains whether you this is all going to work out and your marriage saved.
You can't control that. You don't have to give up hope of it happening, but the real power is pouring your energy into things you can actually influence and trusting that is the best course.