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WH wants me to not talk to others about A

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MissedRedFlags posted 7/1/2014 09:52 AM

Found out on June 4th, 2013 that my husband had been having a 3 year affair. To top it off, the night I found out about his affair, he'd been out to a three hour "dinner" with a different woman and came home drunk.

Fast forward to now, we are trying to reconcile. He wants to stay married and be "happy" and focus on "now" and "moving forward". He doesn't want to talk about the affair. Yesterday, I ran into a friend of mine at the mall that I'd not seen in awhile and she commented on my weight loss---I've lost 30 pounds in the last year. She asked me how I lost the weight and I told her I found out about my husband's affair and what's been happening in the last year plus some details about the affair---how he had sex in my car parked in the driveway while the kids and I were inside the house, how they had plans to get married at a local resort and my two little girls were going to be in their wedding---basically, I told her highlights of the more hurtful stuff. It felt good to have someone to talk to. I need to talk about the affair. Is that wrong? Is that not healing? We've tried MC but I didn't feel it was helpful----it was just us talking and the counselor never offering any insights---I asked once what to do about being ashamed that I have stayed with a man who cheated on me for 3 years and her answer, "Time." ---so, I got tired of paying for her "time".

karmahappens posted 7/1/2014 09:58 AM

Sorry, he has no right to dictate your healing.

He apparently seems content to rug sweep....that's just gonna land you back here in 1-2-3 years when he has another A because he never dealt with his shit.

I told everyone, talked to whoever I wanted/needed to.

He needs to get on board with healing this marriage if he wants to save it and you need to demand he do better, you deserve nothing but 100% remorse and help in healing.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 9:58 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]

hopingforhappy posted 7/1/2014 10:05 AM

If he doesn't want to talk about the A, then he is not willing to do whatever is needed for you to heal from this--and the chances of you staying M and being happy are very slim. You do need someone to talk to, so find yourself a good IC. MC is probably ueseless at this point in time. If you want to talk with friends about the A, then by all means do so. You need to take care of yourself right now. Rugsweeping is not going to work. For your M to be happy, you need to be happy and that is going to take a lot of time AND hard work from both of you. Time alone doesn't help, it is what you do with that time.

Read up in the Healing Library, there is a lot of good information for you. A 3 year affair is big deal and causes a tremendous amount of damage. Sorry that you find yourself here with us, but we welcome you.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 7/1/2014 10:09 AM

He wants to stay married and be "happy" and focus on "now" and "moving forward". He doesn't want to talk about the affair.

That's great....for him! That's not how R works. That's called rugsweeping and as the others have mentioned it often leads to another D-day. If he wants to stay married he has to put in the work, and part of the work is talking about it, and probably 100 other things that aren't comfortable to talk about. But that's what adults do to solve problems.

As for telling others- tell whoever you need but remember once you tell, you cannot untell. I told a few close friends because I needed the support. I have never regretted it.

seethelight posted 7/1/2014 10:18 AM

Missedredflags.

I haven't read the other posts. So I may be repeating what's been said.

Still, this "not telling" is known as the "conspiracy of silence" code. It is in part what enables people to have an affair.

Everyone looks the other way. Few people are brave enough to alert the faithful spouse.

That is so wrong, IMO.

I think being shamed for being a deceitful liar and having an affair, is what will prevent more cheating.

There are a lot of people who will not remain friends with a known cheater and many clients who will not do business with someone whom they see as so distrustful as to cheat on their own wife.

If one is unhappy in a marriage. There is a solution and that solution first MC, if that fails to solve issued, then the solution is divorce.

The solution is not to date another women and then divorce the wife.

Divorce first and then date.

Dating while married is spousal abuse, nothing less.

I hope you have alerted the OW's husband, family and pastor and anyone else who matters to her.

Sunshine shining on an affair is like a disinfectant. It kills the fog the affair partners are in.

In addition talk to whomever you please.

Yes, you need to talk.

Affairs are a form of emotional abuse, and the only thing that enables abuse is secrecy.

One clue to an abusive person is they say "whatever goes on in this family stays private in the family."

Well, No, that is garbage. If a spouse has emotionally abused you. You need to talk about it.

I see an individual counselor, also. I also felt MC was a waste of time.

Why?

Because my husband had completely re-written the marital history. I felt it was further abuse to have him lie to the MC and force me to defend myself.

It wasted time, and MONEY, IMO.

At least in individual counseling, there is no need to defend yourself against a spouse's foggy lies.

seethelight posted 7/1/2014 10:20 AM

As for telling others- tell whoever you need but remember once you tell, you cannot untell. I told a few close friends because I needed the support. I have never regretted it.

Yes, that's true.

Be cautious about telling your own family because they may never forgive him, even if YOU want them too.

Tell good friends who are the type to listen only and to not force their decisions on you.

MissedRedFlags posted 7/1/2014 10:27 AM

Thank you so much, everyone!
You've made me feel that I'm not alone.

Seethelight-- my WH re-writes history too. The night I found out, I got ahold of his phone and the OW's ring tone was "We Fell in Love in a Hopeless Place" and mine was, " 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" ( nice ) When I brought that up, he claims he doesn't know how that got to be her ringtone and maybe---just maybe I changed it to that song! Like I'm some kind of loon that would change a ring tone without remembering?! We've been married 16 years and I'm only now realizing how he re-writs everything and then blames me.

seethelight posted 7/1/2014 10:36 AM

When I brought that up, he claims he doesn't know how that got to be her ringtone and maybe---just maybe I changed it to that song!

God that's right out of the Cheater's handbook.

Your husband is projecting. Its a way to blameshift as well as to transfer guilt and to gaslight.

Don't buy it.

Here's some info. from wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection

Projection of marital guilt: Thoughts of infidelity to a partner may be unconsciously projected in self-defence on to the partner in question, so that the guilt attached to the thoughts can be repudiated or turned to blame instead, in a process linked to denial.

Projection of general guilt: Projection of a severe conscience[26] is another form of defence, one which may be linked to the making of false accusations, personal or political.

My cheating spouse still does this, occassionally, and I am two years out.

He has accused me of cheating, insisted I have a burn phone, or I took money from our joint accounts and hid it, etc.

I did none of those things. Those are all things he has done.

It's just amazing, maybe the people who cheat are certified crazy.

It really scares me when he projects.

[This message edited by seethelight at 10:38 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]

I think I can posted 7/1/2014 11:05 AM

MissedRF--

Is he transparent? Do you have access to his emails, phone, computer, etc etc?

MissedRedFlags posted 7/1/2014 11:22 AM

I think I can-- he is but just yesterday when I asked him about some number and texts on the cell phone records, he got defensive. I hate that I have check up on him but if only i looked at the cellphone records earlier then I would have caught his affair sooner.

Awaken posted 7/24/2014 21:45 PM

Does it hurt more if it's a LTA instead of a short term? If you had discovered earlier would it have been better? What is your goal with speaking with others, support for R, venting? Depending on your goal may determine who you tell.

At this point I prefer talking to strangers, at least it doesn't matter what they think. I can vent I can cry and I don't have to worry, and it is cheaper than counseling. But each person is different and if it makes you feel better tell who you want to tell.

I understand your concern with the phone especially knowing about the three hour AP "dinner" but what to do with the new information, what's the purpose of having the information? Others have discovered other APs, continued affairs, and with all that information at their fingertips they continued the R. So what is the true purpose of knowing the information- to make an informed decision, to know that being lied to and cheated on for years really was not a deal breaker, to validate my decision of R? But how long do I have to keep validating and confirming that it was okay to be cheated on.

Didact posted 7/24/2014 23:10 PM

I think he has the right to ask for any thing he wants. You have the right to refuse his requests.

If he isn't helping heal and just wants to rugsweep, I'm not sure you need to put a whole lot of brain energy on keeping his secrets if you don't want to.

This pain is yours, gifted from him. The story of what he did to you is yours to tell anyone you choose.

Hatemyhusband posted 7/25/2014 05:56 AM

He can ask. You can deny.
Do what YOU feel helps YOU. Tell him if u choose D, you will tell everyone u meet why. He's better off accepting u may tell a
Few people and he has that humiliation instead
Of the world.

ScarlettA1 posted 7/25/2014 11:52 AM

You're husband needs to be more accountable. You deserve that! If he really wants to reconcile talk about it, give you his phone, give a timeline and be transparent. It's not that much to ask considering what he's done.
There's been a lot of good advice. I know our MC has helped us a lot. I asked some friends and got the name of ours. It can really help with a good one. A good IC can help too. They can help you feel strong enough to demand this information. You deserve to heal in the right way and just "moving forward" will not help either of you. I wish you the best.

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