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Thiscannotbereal posted 7/1/2014 12:13 PM

Well, I guess I’ll start with… I found out a little over a month ago that my boyfriend of 2 ½ years has been cheating online for over a year. I found his kik app on his phone with a few messages to & from some girl, so I started talking to her. She told me that my boyfriend was her “master” and they have been “playing” since April 2013. From April 2013 to August 2013, they had a dom/sub relationship and it was “hot & heavy” (her words). He would tell her sick, degrading things to do and she would send him pictures and videos of her doing them. The whole bdsm shit. He would also send her pictures of himself. He stopped for about a month but went back to her in/about October but just for pictures of her because “he wanted to play but couldn’t because of me” (her words). She even went as far to send me screen shots of some of their convos a few weeks before.
So here is some back ground of why this is so heart wrenching… I changed a lot in my life for this man.
April 2013-my boyfriend & I made a decision together to move out of state for his new job.
June-August 2013-He went away for training for his new job. I quit my job & started the packing/moving/switching schools for my son/etc. We would talk evey day but it got to the point where he was treating me differently and at times acting like a complete stranger. He would blow me off, scream at me when I was upset, etc. I questioned his behavior and he made it out to be that I was acting ridiculous and crazy. He would come back home on weekends & things seemed normal with him. I wouldn’t even fight with him about the way he treated me because I missed him & was just happy to see him. I let a lot go.
August 2013-We moved into our new house out of state.
December 2013-We started talking about marriage & family. We looked at rings, I stopped taking birth control, etc.
Fast forward to finding all this out MAY 2014-After I found out about his online relationship I confronted him that day. He started by saying he thinks he has a problem, a sickness with bdsm. But he did come out with a lot of it & answered most of my questions. He offered to go to therapy & continues to go. I look back… I can’t help but think he is just using this “problem” as an excuse, to play the sympathy card. I should also mention that we are in couples therapy too, but I’m feeling like I don’t even want to do that anymore.
Anyway, I became a detective overnight. I did everything I possibly could with his phone, the iPad, desktop, laptop. And found out he was doing other shit too. He was looking at bdsm/leather/tied up porn sites, he sent an email to a girl about “sexy stories” they had, he sent an email to a girl on craiglist asking what he could do in exchange for sex tapes of her & her boyfriend. I have been beside myself thru all of this. I feel like I don’t even know who he is. He tells me that this was a deep dark secret he’s had & could never come out to me about because he was ashamed & was afraid what my reaction would be.. but it doesn’t change the fact that he lied to me thru all of this & lived a “double life” for the past year.
Oh & three weeks after I found out & set up these controls, I found him trying to look at porn again. Like he didn’t care what this was doing to me. I confronted him & he said I honestly didn’t think you would see it because he was using private browsing. So I can’t help but wonder… once I let my guard down is he gonna do it again. I feel like I’m parenting a child & I don’t want to be in a relationship like this. But I don’t know what else to do or how long until I can start trusting him again.
I feel like he really wants to make this work, but I have to ask myself, is it just my heart playing tricks on me. & I don’t know the answer. Then again, I feel like he is not willing to do everything he can to make this work. One example: His family, are going to stick up for him of course, but in the process are running me down. & he won’t confront them. He is now just ignoring because he doesn’t want them to know any of this. (All they know is he cheated online). Am I just being ridiculous about some of this? Again, I don’t know.
I just don’t know what to do. I still love him.. those feelings just don’t go away. I can see that he is trying in some ways. We are able to talk now about these issues & other ones we’ve had a lot better. I just don’t know if I wanna put in the time & effort it is going to take to repair this relationship. I don’t trust anything he says. I took his phone, set up parental controls. I feel like a fool for even doing this, like I should just walk away. I feel like he is sorry & is trying to get help, but sometimes I feel like it’s not enough.
I’m so lost & out of it… I just don’t know what to do??? Some days are better than others, but I feel like I should just get out. Like the pain will go away quicker if he is out of my life. But I’m also scared to start all over again. & I feel like I can’t leave his side thru this difficult time, I love him & want to help him, but I don’t know if he is playing me or not. Can he ever change? So hurt & confused.

I know this is long but it’s not even all of what I have been going thru. I’m just glad I have an outlet to express how I feel & wanted to be thorough. Thank you

mandolin555 posted 7/1/2014 12:35 PM

I'll be honest with you. Your real concern should be his sexual preferences...which happen to include some pretty deviant stuff and I'm sure you've only scratched the surface. Do you want to be his sub? If not RUN. Run fast. Say you have kids...are you cool with them living in a home with this highly hyper sexual man who's into making women wear dog collars????

mandolin555 posted 7/1/2014 12:38 PM

FYI...he won't change. He'll get darker and more deviant. Period. If you're into that...then make him sign a contract saying no contact...no porn...and come up with some basic rules for your dom/sub relationship. Oh...and get use to being spanked, choked, treated like an animal, yelled at, made to sleep in a cage and call him master. Short of that...he's looking elsewhere for someone who will. He'll resent you and the relationship will be toxic.

norabird posted 7/1/2014 12:38 PM

First off, breathe and know that you will come through this.

Next, step back from your worry over him. It is not your job to save or change him and that comes from codependent thinking. The only thing you can control is you; the only person you should worry about now is you, and your son. Don't throw yourself into trying to heal him--worry about healing yourself.

Thiscannotbereal posted 7/1/2014 12:49 PM

It bothers me a lot.. & I have thought about it..enough to want to run. But, & mayb this is just me defending him ugh, he says that he doesn't want to be this way. & wants therapy to (I guess) get an understanding on where it came from. And he has never tried any of this with me in the almaost 3 yrs we've been together.

Thank you for reading & being honest.

Thiscannotbereal posted 7/1/2014 12:53 PM

Thank you norabird. I know I need to put myself first & I tell myself that I don't deserve this pain. I did nothing wrong here.
I guess I just don't know how..it's so hard to not care.

ShiningAutumn8 posted 7/1/2014 13:46 PM

BDSM is a real sexual preference for many people. It is not deviant and perverted - its just a preference between consenting adults.

My point being...this isn't something he can be "cured" of through counseling. Its just a preference. Plenty of healthy, happy people are into it.

However, it is clear he is ashamed of it, and if YOU aren't comfortable participating in it, or if HE is not comfortable in having you participating in it with him....then Im afraid things just don't forbode well.

He will face a lifetime of trouble trying to suppress his urge for BDSM. You will spend a lifetime policing him, being continuously let down.

I dunno, maybe if he saw a sexual counseler and talked about the BDSM preference, found out his extent for desiring it -- whether healthy or unhealthy -- and he wasn't embarrassed about it, maybe he could be in an honest relationship with you.

Also, I think he's just a liar and cheater on top of all that. Even if he wasn't into the BDSM, he'd probably be cheating anyway, just for regular sex - as some people just have that in your nature.

Im so sorry you are going thru this, but I am glad you discovered it it early, before marriage and kids with him. Also, please think of your young child -- you really don't want him happening upon step dads whip and dog collars do you?

Overall, if BDSM is not something you can live with and be a part of, and if cheating and lying (which really has nothing do with the BDSM) is not what you want in your life, I say cut your losses and move on, as devastating as that will be. Just don't make the mistake of thinking his fetish can somehow be cured or "treated" with counseling.

yearsofpain25 posted 7/1/2014 14:12 PM

Hi Thiscannotbereal. Very sorry you find yourself here but you have come to the right place. Norabird is right. I know you are hung up on what if.... but you cannot base your life on what if... You know what he is and he has shown you his true colors. He is going to have to heal himself.

Let me ask you this, do you want to be around this lifestyle, or have your child find out that your bf is into this lifestyle? My understanding is that's what a lot of bdsm is. A lifestyle. Not sure it's something you can "cure" or not. I don't know much about it myself except that there is an awful lot of trust between the dom/sub relationship. This type of lifestyle will always be something you will have to deal with whether or not he's actively involved or not. Sure he probably has deep issues which is why he may like this lifestyle. IMHO you are either going to have to embrace it or cut yourself off from it.

If you stay with him, the chances of him being involved with infidelity are pretty great in my opinion. Both because he needs to fix why he thought it was ok to do this to you in the first place, his deep reasons why, and also because of the bdsm lifestyle unless you embrace it yourself. Your situation is more complicated than most and you have an extra layer to deal with. What would you like to do?

yop

eta - cross posting with ShiningAutumn (was in here a while). I agree with her.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 2:13 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]

WeepingBuddhist posted 7/1/2014 14:14 PM

Plus one on everything Shining said. Your kinks are your kinks no matter how your feel about them. If what he needs is a BDSM sexual relationship, then that's what he needs. Any therapist who claims to help him "get better" is NOT to be trusted.

You don't have to make any decision right now but do get yourself tested for STIs and see an individual therapist who can help you understand what YOU want for your future.

Thiscannotbereal posted 7/1/2014 15:30 PM

Thank you. It means a lot to hear other opinions on this situation.
I don't think it is something that can be "cured" either. I am disgusted by all of this & it bothers me that he has this issue. I understand it's a lifestyle, but it's a chosen one, right? I am appalled by his behavior & will never be okay with it.. let alone be treated that way. I am trying not to be judgmental about it but my heart hurts so bad.
I am so mad that he led me to believe he was a different person. He tells me that he doesn't wanna be that person & he is the person I fell in love with.. I'm not buying it. I want, so much to believe him, but this is a problem that I do not want to be a part of. I don't want to spend the rest of my life dealing with this.
And my son is the most important thing in my life & would just die if he found any of this out or if this affected him in anyway in the future..

And Thank you ShiningAutumn,
"He will face a lifetime of trouble trying to suppress his urge for BDSM. You will spend a lifetime policing him, being continuously let down. "
I feel this statement has giving me a stronger will than I've had on my own. You are so right & I know I don't wanna live that kind of a life!

yearsofpain25 posted 7/1/2014 16:50 PM

So go live that life of yours Thiscannotbereal. You and your son will be better off, as hard and painful as it is at first. He was a lot of false advertising. I'm sorry.

eta - had to fix the emoticon.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 4:51 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]