Well, I guess Iíll start withÖ I found out a little over a month ago that my boyfriend of 2 Ĺ years has been cheating online for over a year. I found his kik app on his phone with a few messages to & from some girl, so I started talking to her. She told me that my boyfriend was her ďmasterĒ and they have been ďplayingĒ since April 2013. From April 2013 to August 2013, they had a dom/sub relationship and it was ďhot & heavyĒ (her words). He would tell her sick, degrading things to do and she would send him pictures and videos of her doing them. The whole bdsm shit. He would also send her pictures of himself. He stopped for about a month but went back to her in/about October but just for pictures of her because ďhe wanted to play but couldnít because of meĒ (her words). She even went as far to send me screen shots of some of their convos a few weeks before.
So here is some back ground of why this is so heart wrenchingÖ I changed a lot in my life for this man.
April 2013-my boyfriend & I made a decision together to move out of state for his new job.
June-August 2013-He went away for training for his new job. I quit my job & started the packing/moving/switching schools for my son/etc. We would talk evey day but it got to the point where he was treating me differently and at times acting like a complete stranger. He would blow me off, scream at me when I was upset, etc. I questioned his behavior and he made it out to be that I was acting ridiculous and crazy. He would come back home on weekends & things seemed normal with him. I wouldnít even fight with him about the way he treated me because I missed him & was just happy to see him. I let a lot go.
August 2013-We moved into our new house out of state.
December 2013-We started talking about marriage & family. We looked at rings, I stopped taking birth control, etc.
Fast forward to finding all this out MAY 2014-After I found out about his online relationship I confronted him that day. He started by saying he thinks he has a problem, a sickness with bdsm. But he did come out with a lot of it & answered most of my questions. He offered to go to therapy & continues to go. I look backÖ I canít help but think he is just using this ďproblemĒ as an excuse, to play the sympathy card. I should also mention that we are in couples therapy too, but Iím feeling like I donít even want to do that anymore.
Anyway, I became a detective overnight. I did everything I possibly could with his phone, the iPad, desktop, laptop. And found out he was doing other shit too. He was looking at bdsm/leather/tied up porn sites, he sent an email to a girl about ďsexy storiesĒ they had, he sent an email to a girl on craiglist asking what he could do in exchange for sex tapes of her & her boyfriend. I have been beside myself thru all of this. I feel like I donít even know who he is. He tells me that this was a deep dark secret heís had & could never come out to me about because he was ashamed & was afraid what my reaction would be.. but it doesnít change the fact that he lied to me thru all of this & lived a ďdouble lifeĒ for the past year.
Oh & three weeks after I found out & set up these controls, I found him trying to look at porn again. Like he didnít care what this was doing to me. I confronted him & he said I honestly didnít think you would see it because he was using private browsing. So I canít help but wonderÖ once I let my guard down is he gonna do it again. I feel like Iím parenting a child & I donít want to be in a relationship like this. But I donít know what else to do or how long until I can start trusting him again.
I feel like he really wants to make this work, but I have to ask myself, is it just my heart playing tricks on me. & I donít know the answer. Then again, I feel like he is not willing to do everything he can to make this work. One example: His family, are going to stick up for him of course, but in the process are running me down. & he wonít confront them. He is now just ignoring because he doesnít want them to know any of this. (All they know is he cheated online). Am I just being ridiculous about some of this? Again, I donít know.
I just donít know what to do. I still love him.. those feelings just donít go away. I can see that he is trying in some ways. We are able to talk now about these issues & other ones weíve had a lot better. I just donít know if I wanna put in the time & effort it is going to take to repair this relationship. I donít trust anything he says. I took his phone, set up parental controls. I feel like a fool for even doing this, like I should just walk away. I feel like he is sorry & is trying to get help, but sometimes I feel like itís not enough.
Iím so lost & out of itÖ I just donít know what to do??? Some days are better than others, but I feel like I should just get out. Like the pain will go away quicker if he is out of my life. But Iím also scared to start all over again. & I feel like I canít leave his side thru this difficult time, I love him & want to help him, but I donít know if he is playing me or not. Can he ever change? So hurt & confused.
I know this is long but itís not even all of what I have been going thru. Iím just glad I have an outlet to express how I feel & wanted to be thorough. Thank you