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somethingremorse posted 7/1/2014 13:07 PM

Wanted to share a incident from this weekend as a cautionary tale.

On Friday night, I told BW I needed to hit the local Lowe's for some maintenance projects around the house. I left Saturday morning while everyone was still sleeping. BW groggily looked at me when I left.

Being on my own, with no one waiting to be picked up or for dinner to be made or anything, I tended to wander a little. I was walking up and down aisles, making plans for all the projects I had in my head for the next few months. I guess I let time slip away from me.

I also wanted to plant some flowers, but Lowe's had nothing interesting. So on my way home, I stopped at the local nursery. Lowe's is like 3 miles away, and the nursery is half way between there and home, on the same road.

I heard my find my iPhone pinging. BW was panicked, wondering where I was. I immediately offered to face time her so she could see I was telling the truth. I dropped my flowers and came straight home.

Turns out that BW just misread the location on the app.

Even when I was "good" I would have done this same thing. If there were no plans, I might run a couple extra errands while I was out.

I was completely in the wrong. I need to always be vigilant. I cannot say I am one place and NOT be there, even if it is totally innocent.

I am upset with myself that I let my guard down. That I slipped into this kind of behavior without thinking about the affect on BW. I need to always, always remember BW's feelings, regardless of what I am doing. I cannot think that it's all OK, because it is not OK. I cannot be thoughtless like that. Thoughtless leads to escaping into my own little world, where I give myself permission to make bad decisions. I know there is a huge distance between stopping at a nursery to buy plants and having an A, but I need to remember that I cannot start even one step on that path.

tl:dr -- be where you say you are, always.

struggling3 posted 7/1/2014 13:16 PM

It sounds like you have a very good handle on what your BS needs. Don't be so hard on yourself....it is very hard to make such huge changes in your life. You did the right thing with your response to a momentary lapse and I hope your BS acknowledges that. Everyone need to keep having encouragement.

PenitentMan posted 7/1/2014 13:42 PM

A similar thing happened to me, not long after dday.
My son bought some corn, already growing in little containers that he wanted to grow in the backyard.
So after my BW left for work, before I started by own work for the day, I went out in the backyard and planted them. Then I took the trash out, and was puttering around in the garage straightening things up, when all of a sudden the garage door went back up and there she was.
It turns out I didn't take my cell phone with me into the yard, or into the garage, and she was trying to call. When she couldn't reach me on the home phone or the cell, she came home. Because, when I went to see OW that one time, it was in the morning, after she left.
I was like "you really thought, after how horrible
everything has been, that I'd even remotely consider betraying you again?"
Yes, yes she did. That's when it hit me that I was a liar. She asked me once if I was cheating on her, and to cover my own ass and spare her the pain I lied to her face.

Shit, I'd turn the car around and drive home too, heart-a-racing. Probably run red lights and other reckless behavior.

I apologized profusely of course. I certainly didn't blame her for not trusting me and for panicking. She doesn't ask me to check in when I go places but I'm definitely aware of how long I'm gone and I'm always worried, to the point of paranoia, of having my cell with me at all times.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 7/1/2014 19:38 PM

As a BS,I think this is AWESOME that you considered her feelings and recognized what that does to her! That is TRUE remorse and truly trying to work through R! Kuddos to you! As a BS it is hard to explain to someone who doesn't understand this, how it can almost or can, send a BS into panic mode! Your mind just begins to imagine all kinds of things! My H affair happened 25 years ago but I only found out 10 months ago. But...I can tell you..It makes NO difference, I still have those feelings and emotions as if it happened just yesterday. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I think what you did in recognizing her feelings and wanting to make her feel safe is just great! Keep up the good work! It DOES make a difference for us who are BS! :)

Trying2LoveAgain posted 7/1/2014 19:55 PM

Same for you SelfishHusband...I'm so happy to see how hard you guys are working on your R with your BS! It is VERY encouraging! Blessings to all of you and your families! :)