A summary of my vent, because this came quite long and a full-out vent =/
To sum it up: my husband TT last night and revealed that he'd had a conversation with our family friend (who I asked him to inform of the affair to be a support for my husband) a year ago saying he felt distant from me and feared he'd "stray." He was flirting with a woman at work at the time - who would later become OW#2 (though I guess she's actually OW1)
Our friend told him to stop it, now, talk to me, and seek counseling. He did none of it.
He did cut down on conversation with that woman and then started up with OW2 2 months later.
He said he didn't mention it earlier because it seemed so "minor" compared to everything else, and that I already knew about this woman so he didn't think it was relevant to mention.
Up to this conversation, I did not know that he'd ever had this conversation with the friend, nor that the woman entered the picture so early on, that the timeline started last April/May and not August. And it made me horribly aware that his jumping in with both feet with the EA/PA was very deliberate and he was fully aware of what he was doing - no slippery slope.
The full vent:
A bit of backstory, my husband's timeline for the affair was maintained as
OW#1: 8/13 - 1/14 as EA/PA, then 1/14-Dday EA
OW#2: 1/14 (though he says it didn't "get real" until 4/14) - Dday - PA and a crapton of texting related to or building up tot he PA.
When I was going through logs, I noticed infrequent late nigh conversations between him and OW#2, going all the way back to 9/13. I asked him about it, he said he didn't know. I asked him when things started with her, he maintained 4/14 was when they started really flirting/sexting/getting physical.
One of my conditions for R was that he tell his best friend, to support my husband on his bad days. The guy shares our/my family and moral values and would be there for my husband if he needed him as well as support our marriage. He told this friend last week. My husband had told me a few weeks prior to Dday that he had talked with this best friend about "issues" he was having and his friend recommended counseling. My husband swore he never told the best friend about the affairs.
Last night, I asked him how the conversation with his best friend went just so I would know what all was said (we are doing a lunch with friend today). My husband said "you mean the one I had awhile ago?"
I thought he was referencing the one a few weeks prior to dday, so I said sure that one too. He tells me
"Well I talked with him, and told him we were having some issues. And I was tempted to stray." I asked him what? he said this a few weeks before dday?
"Oh no, this was back at the beginning."
What'd the friend say? The friend said to "Turn towards your wife, talk to her, get counseling, do not go down that path. Do not. Do not."
He talked with the friend before this all started?
Well he couldn't remember the exact timeline if he'd already started talking to OW#1 or not. "So you were having thoughts of straying with onbody in particular in mind, you just wanted to?"
Well no, it must've been after OW#1 then.
"And you didn't cut it off?"
I was very upset, because I felt like wow, he had his confessional moment and still deliberately chose to run after OW#1
15 minutes later, he tells me he wants to amend his statement about the conversation with his best friend about that earlier conversation.
It happened last May. before OW#1. And that he was referencing someone when he talked to the friend - OW#2 - who he had already been flirtin gwith for a couple months. "But it was minor, it was nothing compared to this."
I asked him wtf he didn't tell me that stuff with OW#2 started that early, and he says he didn't think it'd mattered since I "already knew about OW#2, so you already knew she was one of the ones." And that he stopped chatting with her so much and cut back on it so it wasn't flirting after he talked with his friend. So he'd followed what his friend said.
Uh no!? He didn't.
WTF!?! Why wouldn't it matter to me that things with her started a year prior to when I thought they did, and that as I poured through the logs since DDay and would see late night chats with her - that he'd tell me it was nothing with her "at that time." Why wouldn't it matter that the affairs in general started MONTHS before I thought it did? Why wouldn't it matter that he'd told his best friend, obviously knew he had crossed the line, and still deliberately chose to pursue OW#1 .
It makes it all that much worse. This was no slippery slope of friendly chat that turned EA then PA. This was a deliberate choice to pursue OW#1 (who apparently has the wrong freaking number) as hard as he could as soon as she started initiating contact with him. This was a deliberate choice, knowing he'd had his confession and ignored everything his friend had said, to jump straight in with two feet. There was no "I didn't know what I was doing." He knew exactly what he was doing, because he'd been there months prior and knew even then that he'd crossed the line.
I am so furious and upset. I felt like I *HAD* all the pieces of this damn puzzle and was just filling in small details. Now I come to find out he's still omitting and shielding and selectively choosing what to tell me, minimizing not telling me stuff because "I already knew" the identities of the two women.
I'm sorry for the long vent and probably should put this in JFO. We were/are trying to R this. How on earth do you deal with that kind of TTing? It ultimately doesn't change the big picture, but it does totally disrupt my sense of how long this has ben going on, his intentionality behind it, his awareness of it, his deliberate choices regarding it. And it again re-shatters my idea that I can trust anything he's saying now.
How do I handle this and future TT sessions? I feel like I'm shellshocked when he reveals that kind of stuff, then I just start raging at him, and it makes him less likely to open up and tell me anything more. But on the same token, I feel like I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells and gauge an "appropriately encouraging communication" response to make sure he feels "comfortable" telling me the full story.
I'm so furious
[This message edited by Lark at 8:30 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]