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tangledknot posted 7/1/2014 13:56 PM

It's only been two days since I sent the NC email, so I knew this was coming. He basically apologized again for the hurt he caused and he apologized to my husband and the rest of my family. He are work colleagues, so he offered me alternative people I can contact when I need to work with his organization. And, he said he didn't expect a response and that he won't contact me again. I read it; I deleted it; I deleted it from my trash bin. It sat in my inbox for less than 5 minutes.

Did I do okay? I sensed this was coming, and I actually feel relieved. I immediately told my H exactly what I told all of you. Should I have saved it for my husband to read? Should I have forwarded it to my husband?

I want to start our reconciliation off on the right foot and I am committed to the NC agreement. It's over; completely over.

I know this is normal and I just have to accept it, but it is really hard when my H lashes out at me. really hard. I know I have a lot more of it coming, maybe several months. When he lashes out at me, it's like a crescendo and I can feel it coming, and it is so awful. He hasn't called me names, but basically I'm a whore. I'm not defending myself or saying anything when he does this. I'm just listening and nodding my head. I'm not telling him to stop or anything like that. I'm just telling you all that it is really awful. I know I brought this upon myself and I only have myself to blame.

[This message edited by tangledknot at 2:07 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]

PenitentMan posted 7/1/2014 14:07 PM

Deleting it from your inbox and then deleting it from the trash is definitely suspicious "wayward behavior". You're used to hiding things from him and I'm sure you feel like you're sparing him from some pain, but the more open-book you make your life now, the better.
I would have told him about it right away, and had him come look at it. If he wanted a copy you then forward it, and then ask him if it's ok for you to delete.

tangledknot posted 7/1/2014 14:13 PM

We are both at work, so I couldn't ask him to come over and look at it. So, maybe it was sneaky or squirrely of me to delete it instead of asking him what he wanted me to do. Okay, hopefully there is no next time, but if there is, that is what I will do.

The other reason I deleted it from my trash bin is so that I can't read it over and over and over again. I don't want to memorize it; I don't want to obsess. I'm trying to expunge him from my soul.

[This message edited by tangledknot at 2:25 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]

authenticnow posted 7/1/2014 14:49 PM

You should have forwarded it to your BH before responding and talked about how to handle it. It's hard to change old habits, but very doable. You have to think before you act and be intentional in everything you do, not sneaky (not saying that was sneaky, just saying moving forward for R).

Matilda23 posted 7/1/2014 15:23 PM

Hi TangledKnot,

You did a great job by going to your husband and telling him that the OM contacted you. However, I do agree with the others as it is still wayward behavior. You deleted the message when you had time to delete it and then you contacted your husband. I remember doing what you did and deleted all the messages I sent at work, because I did not want to see it and if i deleted it, it didn't feel as real.

Now, you have to figure out what you will do if he tries to contact you again, even if he says he won't. You have to have a plan. I remember running away when I saw OM come into my job, and I hid until he left. He then later, told my boss, that he did not like that I did that, so for me to keep it professional, I did not run, when that was my instinct, and i stayed on the other side, no eye contact, no communication and that was something BBF and I came up with together. Best of luck!

Aubrie posted 7/1/2014 15:26 PM

Talk with your husband. Make a plan. Does he just want to know if contact is made? Does he want you to forward the message to him? Does he want you to leave it in your box and show him later? Have that talk with him so that you are prepared for the future. Also discuss blocking AP from your email.