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"Victim Statement"

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MandMs posted 7/1/2014 16:24 PM

My H came home from his SAA meeting last night and he was telling me about speaking to one if his fellows after the meeting about how we have been focusing a lot of our healing and recovery energy towards my H learning empathy towards me.

This man had gone to intensive inpatient therapy because of the serious nature of his sex addiction and he said there was a huge focus on the addict learning empathy, especially towards the people closest to him (typically his wife and children).

He said one of the things they had him do that helped him the most was they had his wife write a "victim statement" ( I'm not sure if that's what they called it, just my attempt at putting a name on it....) Then the counselor read him the letter. His wife was not there so he could hear her story of how his SA has changed her life and devastated her without being distracted by her presence. I guess hearing her point of view from someone else makes it easier to absorb for the addict.

My H asked me, when I'm ready, would I be willing to write him a letter for his sponsor to read to him. I have to say I am both excited and terrified by this. I think it will be extremely therapeutic to tell him exactly how I've been affected without being interrupted or having to look into his guilty, shame filled face as I do it. It's the act of dragging up all that horrible pain that scares me a little bit.

Has anyone ever done something similar to this? What were the results and feelings brought about by this exercise? Did anything positive come from this? Any negatives?


karmahappens posted 7/1/2014 16:29 PM

Sorry I have no experience here, but I think your husband offering to do this is awesome!!

What a well-deserved gift towards healing.

I hope you do it and are able to truly be honest with the damage that has been caused because of this trauma.


Jls0320 posted 7/1/2014 16:40 PM

I don't have any advice, but am married to a SA and I think it's a great step for him asking you to write this. Also a great way for you to get out your feelings on the situation

Hurtandhealer posted 7/1/2014 16:41 PM

I never wrote a statement like this for my WH, but I did have the opportunity in April to write something like that for the OW. I found out that she and my husband had been "innocently" speaking again over Facebook and I flipped out. I contacted her husband and I guess he told her that she needed to get in contact with me. I received an email from her stating that she knew I probably had nothing to say to her, but she was sorry for what she had done. Oh, I had PLENTY to say to her. I had never spoken directly to her before. I definitely took the opportunity to fill her in on how she had affected me and continues to affect my life every single day. How her actions contributed to never being able to think of my twins' birth without also thinking about the betrayal my husband was committing at the same time. I wrote a book on it and sent it to her. My husband also read it, so I guess he got a "victim impact" statement of sorts, but it had already been things he had heard me say to him. I must say, it felt AMAZING to get it off my chest. Before I sent her that email, all she knew of me is what my husband told her and undoubtedly lied to her about in an effort to get in her pants. Now she could truly see that I wasn't just some random person who may have been affected by something she did, I was a REAL WIFE, MOTHER, WOMAN whose life was completely DEVASTATED by her. We went back and forth a couple times via email and whether or not she feels as much remorse as I hope she does I will never know. But I'm glad I said it all.

Lionne posted 7/1/2014 19:48 PM

It's common for a CSAT to require an addict to listen to an impact statement from a spouse. It is usually done as part and parcel of a formal process that includes a full disclosure, and is done in the presence of the spouse's IC.

deena04 posted 7/1/2014 19:55 PM

I think we should all write victim impact statements, even if we don't hand them over. It gets feelings and thoughts out and we can give them to the WS to process and hopefully understand or we can throw it into the fire.

Rebreather posted 7/1/2014 20:05 PM

I think it is brilliant and I am super impressed with your WH.

I read some of my journals to my spouse. And the horrible, horrible poetry. It was pretty rough on him, but good, too

Flatlined123 posted 7/2/2014 05:03 AM

I didn't know if had a name, but I wrote it out for H exactly what he did to us and how I felt. He was physically sick after reading it.

MandMs posted 7/2/2014 18:47 PM

Thank you for the encouragement!

I am so ready to do this!!!

Last night we went out to dinner and he went through the whole timeline from beginning to end. I already knew everything but still had a few lingering questions and blanks that needed filling in. There was tons of honesty and vulnerability and zero defensiveness and judgment.

Then we went home and got it on…
The perfect date night!!

Things are going so well I have to keep reminding myself to just enjoy it and not worry about when it will end…

Thank you again!!!

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