So H seems to be starting to look at the deeper issues underlying why he had the A, to take responsibility and stop pushing some of the blame onto me, to be open to admitting to having a dark side that he didn't want to acknowledge, and he understands that him doing this makes me feel safer.
All good. But then something happened today that seems to contradict this and now I'm upset and confused. We were in MC and we started rehashing a conversation we had a few weeks ago about how he was recently sent PMs on Facebook by 2 female friends that we both used to know many years ago. He gave me his password months ago so I can access his FB account. They were friendly how are you chats, nothing inappropriate, both women initiated, my H responded once and there was nothing else. He also mentioned me and the kids in one of the messages. When I saw those however I got upset and told him that I don't think he should be having PMs with women, period. He said that I could see everything so it wasn't private and that he purposely mentioned me and the kids and the messages were just simple hellos. I told him I was uncomfortable with that and that if another female friend sent him a note, I'd like him to show it to me first before he responded. He said ok at the time. I thought we understood each other.
So fast forward to today's conversation in MC. When we talked about it, H looked upset and said that he felt that me saying he has to show me the messages before he responds is a way for me to punish him. Our MC said he didn't think so, but rather that it's a way for me to feel safe after an emotional trauma. I agreed. H was biting his lip, looking hesitant, and finally said something like ok I understand, but I could tell that he wasn't happy about it. He had said that I should trust him that these are benign chats and these women know me. (Really? OW was my pal and he characterized their chats as friendly too.) He also said that he thought that at least a little of my trust for him had come back b/c he's been open and transparent. Finally then he said that he understands my position but I think he just said that to placate me, since he clearly did that when we first discussed this.
There's a lot here that is upsetting to me. 1. He's deflecting responsibility: The view that I'm punishing him and making him change his behavior instead of seeing that HIS actions have fundamentally changed our M and eroded all trust. That's on him 100%.
2. He thinks I should trust him? That feels like he's minimizing the depth of my pain and his poor choices. It also makes me wonder whether just because we have a few good weeks with no major issues, good communication, then trust is restored? I have no clue why he'd think that since I tell him that I don't trust him at least once a week and that it saddens me.
3. He thinks that things can be the same as they were before the A. I never gave him trouble for having female friends and he took advantage of that. Again, why he thinks this is beyond me since I tell him all the time that things won't ever be the same on that front.
He generally does work to make me feel safe, so is this just a blip? Is he just frustrated? Or does this point to something deeper, like maybe he's not really getting it? I get that he is allowed to have feelings about things, he isn't a machine, but why would he consider doing something to make me feel safe, and something that isn't that big of a deal frankly, a punishment? Frustrated.
I'd really love to have WS's POV (and of course BS's).
[This message edited by veronique12 at 5:09 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]