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My husband lied at the lie detector test ... And passed

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EmbraceTheChange posted 7/1/2014 18:08 PM

My husband had an EA with a co-worker, from July to November 2013. The texting was manic. Going from 9 texts in July, to 450 in August, to 1700 in September (not a typo), to 500 in October and 450 in November. Add to this walks every day around the building, runs, happy hour trip, ice skating date one lunch time, lunches, bringing her back to her car 3x a week. And then he would come back home and say he was stuck at the computer the whole day.

I caught a text just before Thanksgiving, replied to tell her to back off because he's married to me, and stepped on the roller-coaster of hell. Since then, I had 7 mths of TT's, multiple versions regarding some events (they hugged in the car park until somebody was going to report them to HR and so they stopped hugging; then "we carried on hugging but after going for lunches"; now it's "we hugged in the car, with the seat-belts on"). He even invented things, like helping her at work, when it didn't happen (we're on version 2 on this one).

Anyway, while the EA is not a walk in the park at all (I lost 50 pounds) it's not a deal-breaker. The deal breaker is definitely going to bed together. So in April he took a lie detector test. I was there when they rammed it in that if he "forgot" anything which was relevant, then he would fail the test. So they asked him if there was any touching, groping, etc. The answer was always no, apart from the hugging, and a peck on the cheek, that I knew of.

Well, 7 mths later, I go through the phone records that he finally managed to get hold off (his phone is through work), and see that, in addition to texting, they also spoke on the phone (around 6 times over the 4 months). So I asked him why he called her that evening, on the way back home. He looks green, like always when something new comes out, and he said that they were hugging in the car, with the seat belts, and he pulled his hand away and accidentally brushed the side of the breast. And so he called her later to apologize.

Ok, so why didn't this make him fail the lie detector? Also, if he can lie during the test, it means that he could have slept with her and still passed, right? In the start he was putting all the blame on her, she was the piranha, who specialize in married men (true, she got in trouble with HR after an previous affair with a manager). Yesterday he told me that he was the initiator of 1st text, that some of the texts were full of sexual innuendos (what a surprise). He is remorseful, but still TTs, still rehash what he told me for 7 mths (when I don't get a new version).

I love him, I want to make this marriage work, we have 5 kids together and 20 years of great memories. He was never like this before, our MC thinks he had a big depression going on at the time. Still.... Don't know what to think anymore. And yeah, after I found out the 1st text, he mentioned (once) about liking BJs (we never do), and in October, he suddenly got cold feet about getting his vasectomy done (he was skirmish about the operation, while, for my 4 c-sections he was cheering me on. What a wimp. And yeah, he got it done in January, no more pregnancies for me, baby!)

Anybody could help me?

Sunnydaysahead posted 7/1/2014 20:14 PM

Hi, my first post here.....I am sorry you are struggling. Our stories are very similar. There is a reason polygraphs are not admissible in court, they are a great tool, but they can be fallible.

My FWH passed a polygraph two years ago. At the time, he admitted to kissing a MCOW and said it was a one time thing. The polygrapher asked him about intercourse, oral sex, touching and kissing. He passed the test. The results on the question about touching were inconclusive, but not enough to indicate deception. He showed no deception on the other questions. (the polygrapher has a great reputation and 25 years of law enforcement experience).

Fast forward to May of this year, my gut was telling me I didn't have all of the information about their encounter. When I confronted FWH again and told him I planned to contact MCOW's BH, the truth came tumbling out. I was absolutely devastated to find out FWH and MCOW had an LTA that lasted eight years. Apparently they would "hook up" for sex during the day several times a year. Nothing with any consistency. No emotional involvement, just quick sex and back to their workday. They never went to lunch or dinner, never bought each other gifts etc....They did not send emails or call each other on the phone. Every so often one would text the other and they would make arrangements to meet (I have read the texts that had been deleted). MCOW's BH and I have spoken several times since DDay and their stories match up for the most part.

When the subject of the polygraph came up, FWH told me that when i asked him to take a polygraph two years ago, he spent a couple of hours reading articles on the Internet about ways to beat the test. He went into the test not knowing if he would pass or fail. By passing the test, FWH was able to continue to lie about the A. I relied upon the results of the polygraph for two years, time completely wasted.

My biggest mistake was not contacting the BH two years ago. I contacted him on DDay in May and once the affair was out in the open the details of the A followed close behind. FWH and MCOW are NC.

FWH is incredibly remorseful about the pain he has caused, is in IC and has started attending SAA meetings. He has accepted complete responsibility for the A, patiently answered All of my questions, held me through my rages and cried with me. He is also reading (he did none of those things 2 years ago). I have access to phone, email, bank accounts and all passwords etc...the text messages were deleted as soon as they were sent (recovered through a program).

I wish you the best.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 7/1/2014 20:16 PM

I don't have any experience with lie detector tests, but it does sound suspicious. Especially since your gut is telling you more.

Others will probably have more to say.

Good luck embracethechange. Always follow your gut.

ShockedBird posted 7/1/2014 20:32 PM

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It would be wonderful if we BSs could rely on lie detectors to bring out the truth, but they don't always provide reliable conclusions. They work by monitoring a person's physical reactions to questions, the idea being that lying will make them uncomfortable, which will result in increased heart rate, sweating, etc. So if the person speaking does not exhibit the expected physical reaction to lying, the test cannot work as a fair indicator. Some people can remain completely calm while lying. I have also heard of people who intentionally excite themselves before taking a lie detector test so that they will become unreadable.
You'll have to go with your gut on this, along with any other proof you may come across. As we all have to, you'll have to decide if you can trust your spouse going forward. If he's struggling to tell the truth, you've got to look out for yourself.

ShiningAutumn8 posted 7/1/2014 20:44 PM

So you never saw the 2500 or so texts they exchanged I assume. What about emails, have you seen any? I personally have a very hard time believing adults in an A would simply hold hands or hug. Adults have sex. Esp if they see each other every day, and are texting all day long (and he admits some were sexual in nature)

Id disregard the polygraph tests. He obviously lied and beat it. Have you considered a new poly maybe? In case it was a fluke. I have a very hard time believing these two didnt have sexual relations.

EmbraceTheChange posted 7/1/2014 22:19 PM

No, I never saw any texts before the one I caught. Most were exchanged during the day at work (and deleted straight away) but a lot of texting happened at home too (again, they were deleted). I would find my husband in weird places, like the closet or upstairs in the kids bedroom, or outside in the yard and he always had an explanation (putting the clothes away; tidying up the bedroom, checking the pool pump, etc).

He texted her a lot at night, when I was sleeping (5 kids, the youngest was 1 when it started). The times I challenged him because he was checking his phone a lot he said he was checking his work emails (he used to before, so it was totally plausible at the time).

I feel SO SO DUMB. but never thought that a 45 yrs old with 5 kids would be a great catch (apart for me, his wife). But at other times the phone would be with the keys, I had his passcode, I used it to go on the internet or use the GPS. We would call his parents on Saturday. Checking his messages never even came in my head. :(

Yes, I am very much aware that they were both very fond of each other, that they are adults, and that opposite his work there are 2 hotels. And that he's still lying through his teeth.

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