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neecee posted 7/1/2014 18:18 PM

I'm happy to have made the leap from the JFO forum to the R forum. 8 weeks out and I decided last weem that I am willing to try and R with my WH. I knew that I had to slowly remove the blocks of anger that had formed a wall around me that were so high I couldn't even see the light. After weeks of dealing with the trauma of my H affair, I finally broke down and hugged him. He was stunned, like a shy schoolboy he didn't even know what to do, he was prepared to wait at least a year until I'd even hold his hand. "Omg, she's hugging me!!! Is this really happening?" We hugged for a good 20 minutes, I didn't want to let him go, the man that had been my life, whom I loved endlessly and yet betrayed me, I didn't want to let him go. We relished in the moment. That hug was that first brick to come down from that dark and gloomy wall that built up that until that moment seemed impenetrable. I felt a huge sense of relief. I was NOT angry and crazy and ranting and devastated, at least not during that hug. I was allowing myself to feel what I needed. Loved, wanted, missed, cherished. All the things he had made me feel in the past, I was allowing myself to feel. AND IT WAS AWESOME. I realized at that moment how much I still loved this broken man and that I still wanted a life with him. We had so much history, 28 years, 3 children, a home, a whole life together, and I wanted that to continue. I knew that I could be caught up in the misery and pain of the A, and that if I didn't open up and remove one small brick, that I would never get to see that small glimpse of light from behind my wall. Since then I have allowed myself to find happiness in small things. It has made all the difference in out R. Of course having a completely remorseful husband who is saying and doing all the right things is key to my acceptance and healing. But I had to make the conscious effort to open up and allow him the opportunity to help me heal. To date we have had many intimate moments thy were amazing, and although I thought I would have a difficult time engaging in sex again with him, I actually felt like I was erasing her!!!! I guess I felt a sense of reclaiming what was mine. R is work. INFIDELITY IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. We both know there's a rough road ahead filled with happiness, sadness and uncertainties. But its a journey we are prepared to take together and that makes it worth the trip. I've learned to "Live in the moment" take each day for what it is. If I have a day when I'm feeling really good about us, I ENJOY IT, because I know there are days when I am feeling sad and broken. I am making a choice to work toward to future for us. I think once you make that decision, dealing with the feelings as they come is easier to endure when you know what your working towards. Just live in the moment, because thats all we have right now, this moment.

hopefull77 posted 7/1/2014 18:23 PM

Both feet in and forward!

mchercheur posted 7/1/2014 18:28 PM

(((neecee)))
I remember having a similar moment like it was yesterday. It was a very healing moment for both WH & I.
Am still on that darn rollercoaster though,(@ 3 years out, there are more good days than bad days now.)
Thank you for reminding me to live in the moment. That really does help.
An expression I first read on this site, which I love, is that I am driving with my eyes on the road. WH's A is in the rear view mirror, but I am looking at the road ahead.

neecee posted 7/2/2014 17:35 PM

I know that darn rollercoaster too well!!! I'm a huge rollercoaster fan, however "Rolling emotional thunder" is not one I ever remember purchasing a ticket for!

msnhomealone posted 7/2/2014 21:53 PM

Thanks for this post. At 4 weeks out, I am only halfway there. I can relate to the intimacy as a means of reclamation though. I couldn't believe how strongly I felt that. I think, in a way, that might get harder for me as time goes on and the work we are doing in MC gets further from the triage state. My world is so shattered, but small moments in the day and little promises kept help get me through to the next step. So far.