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Coma posted 7/1/2014 20:36 PM

Ok,i wanna know why most WS have to play the vitim card and mainly lay the blame on their spouses.

I read a few of the letters my FWW wrote to OP and most were fabrication of the greatest degree. She said that i was a monster and treated her badly. When in fact i would do almost anything for her if she asked.

Why would she allow this person to invade our computer throug remote and set up other programs. Never knowing if he would abuse the trust. I mean he already abused the trust of his spouse...why not hers?

Why do i have to take the blame for all the misery in her life when in fact most she has done to herself.

I feel she sold herself for an Iphone and vanity. I feels she is a follower that can be manipulated easily by sweet talk and cheap gifts.

I am a good man. I make mistakes like everyone else but i learn and grow. FWW offered me hall pass after i busted her the first and second times. I was tempted heavily. Then i thought about How she would see me if i did and what i would think of myself.

I am not overly religious but i do believe. I made a vow to her in his name. To break it would be to break not only with her but to God as well.

I don't know if FWW has learned and grown from her betrayal. I can only hope she has but i doubt it.

We have already acknowledged that fact that i am an ASS for sticking in there and trying to repair my marriage. I am maybr just hoping against hope. Either way i feel i must exaust every single avenue until hope is no more. If that sad day should ever come i must also hope that she will think and say fond things of me finally and with love and sincererity. Ang that God will forgive me for not finding a way but smile on me for not breaking my vows to both of them.

That being said....I still want to at least b**** slap OP. Not just for his part with FWW but for dishonoring his wife by breaking his own vows. In my personal opinion of marriage, even if infidelity happened. You should never mislead your spouse. Even at the risk of losing them.

Pentup posted 7/1/2014 21:39 PM

(((Coma)))
She lied because how would it look to say, I am married to a good man that treats me well and I want to betray him? That would make her a monster. Affairs (in my opinion) are the acts of selfish entitled people or hurt broken people who are preyed upon or something in between those, but they are rarely about the betrayed spouse.

As a fellow believer, can sympathize with the rest of your post.

[This message edited by Pentup at 9:39 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]

Coma posted 7/1/2014 22:43 PM

Thanks Pentup

StillLivin posted 7/1/2014 22:52 PM

Honey, many WSs do this. My X (almost anyway) told his AP that he was in a loveless marriage and that I treated him like a stranger, blah blah blah and more blah.
Let's see, I cooked a Sunday dinner special at LEAST 3X a week with fresh herbs from the garden and everything. I was raising his two sons as my own and not as stepsons for 10 years. I made almost 6 figures but was driving around in a used Jeep Compass so just as much of my money as his did went to giving the boys the best of everything. I pulled every dime out of my savings and investments to pay for his attorney when his crazy ex wife accused him of attempted murder when he was oh 2000 miles away from her.
I did all the shopping, meal planning, bill paying, gardening and landscaping when necessary, cleaning, doctor appointments. Hell, I served my husband his dinner every night and picked up his plate and put it in the sink. He came home, kicked up his feet and was treated like a king, yeah can you see how bad he was treated!
I'm not waiting around hoping he will someday talk good about me instead. Now I'm moving on and will make damn good and well sure that I pick a man that appreciates me next time. For once it would be nice to be the one being cherished and pampered. Note, I will treat my next man just as good, but not until he has shown he is worth it.

Ostrich80 posted 7/1/2014 23:22 PM

I think shit talking the bs isnt unusual. My ws swears he didn't but like I told him, ow wouldn't have jumped on board if he told her, hey I love my wife and she is awesome. Still hurts though, even when its lies.

bigskyblues posted 7/2/2014 01:19 AM

Coma, I could have written the exact same thing about my xww.

I believe my xww blamed me simply because somewhere inside that fogg filled brain there was still enough brain cells firing to know that what she was doing was horribly bad. My xww lived the life of good church going woman, super honest, great person yada yada. She sold her soul for the price of some cheap dumb-ass perverts (multiple perverts to be exact)attention. That has got to be somebodies fault and it sure as hell wasn't hers.

What I think really happened is she hit the big 50, had put on some weight, had lost a lot of her hair, and was feeling sorry for herself. I always thought she was a beautiful woman and told her so. I think she got to feeling sorry for herself and went looking for some validation that she was attractive. The experts on AFF and CL helped her with that.

The other huge part of it is selfishness. The xww always was pretty self centered (loved her anyway). I told her that what she was doing was the most selfish act a spouse could ever possibly do.

As far as the OP, yeah I've been there but honestly I got over giving the OP any of my energy pretty fast. Look, saying that she is a follower etc. is kind of giving her an excuse (humble opinion, not meant to hurt). Your fww owns 50% of this, and that is the only part you had vows with. Hold her accountable, don't waste any energy on the worthless piece of shit OP. It wont get you anywhere but down!

I am a good man. I make mistakes like everyone else but i learn and grow

I too am a good man, and I think all of our kids (even my step kids/hers) would say I am a great dad. Guess what all that had nothing to do with her cheating. Your fww is broken, plain and simple. You didn't break her, you cant fix her. This was a crucial point for me when I finally believed it.

i feel i must exaust every single avenue until hope is no more.

I respect that, I really do. But, do not set yourself up for failure. It says a lot about a spouse who is willing to give their wayward another chance and work things out. If you read enough of the stories on here you will see some people are successful and manage to R and make it back to happiness. There is one common denominator, it takes hard work and commitment/determination to make it work. Is your fww doing the hard work, is she in IC, remember you can not do it for her! Has she ever owned up and taken FULL responsibility for her actions? I f she hasn't done all that, then in all likely hood she will never be able to "fix" what got her into the mess in the first place.

Remember, being a good, kind, decent, loving husband isn't going to win her back (you were already doing all that and she cheated). The only thing that will get her back is for her to do some real hard work, it is up to her!

Strength to you brother!

BSB

[This message edited by bigskyblues at 1:25 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

simplydevastated posted 7/2/2014 06:14 AM

My husband lies and twists things around as well. He even tweets about how horrible we are and lets his gaming friends call our kids ungrateful. Of course he'll never mention the way he treats us or that he cheated. Nope... That will never be mentioned because of it is he'll be shown in the proper light instead of the one he created. Remember, he's the victim, he did nothing wrong.

I'm sorry your wife lied and twisted things around, too. It sucks.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 6:15 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

stronger08 posted 7/2/2014 06:53 AM

Its all part of the game. When a WS demonizes their BS it adds an extra level to the fantasy. As humans we are programed in childhood to believe in fantasy. Santa, The Easter Bunny, Fairytales etc. Most of us grow out of the fantasy stage, yet some still hold onto them as a coping mechanism. They don't have the courage or desire to change their own lives so they play make believe. This is especially true with those who commit adultery. In every fairytale there has to be a victim, a villain and a hero in order for the fantasy happy ending to occur. In your WW head she is the victim and you are the villain. The OM is naturally the hero who has come to save her from your dastardly deeds. In order for this to play out the way she wants it to she must make you the bad guy. When the BS is not a bad person they simply make shit up. What's scary is that they start to believe their own lies after a while. Now that the fairytale scenario is set up she can be saved from you by her OM. Its the proverbial "knight in shinning armor" situation.

This is not unique in any way. Matter of fact this very same scenario plays out over and over again. These WS are not that creative, they tend to follow they same shitty script. What you really need to do in cases like these is to infuse some reality into them. Nothing like a big assed dose of truth and consequences to blow up the fantasy. That's why we always recommend to the newbies to take a hard line approach. Expose, inform, disclose what is going on to those who need to know. Let the damn cat out of the bag and watch how quickly the A implodes. File for S and or D, file for full custody of the kids etc. Pack their bags and send the cheater to the OP. Give them exactly what they think they are looking for. Know what ? What they are looking for does not exist. Its a damn fantasy and always was. This does not mean your WS will snap out of their fog and come running back to you. But it does help in healing yourself. And that's the ultimate goal when dealing with infidelity. Please don't forget that !!!!

seethelight posted 7/2/2014 09:28 AM

Coma:

My wayward is still twisting the truth.

He lied to the OW about the state of our marriage. He lied about his income level because she definitely wanted him to "pamper" her, as I saw her write in an email to him.

He is still lying by gaslighting.

After dday, he said many many hurtful things and lies about us and our marriage.

Now, he denies saying those things and says I made them up?

Why would I imagine hurtful things he said about me.

In reality I was totally blindsided by some of his complaints about the marriage.

It was the first I heard them.

Now he denies ever thinking or saying.

It scares me the way he can deny things so easily.

I think I can posted 7/2/2014 12:03 PM

Why do i have to take the blame

You don't. You can't change her or the OP, but you have control over what you accept. THIS burden, you can work on letting go of.

Coma posted 7/2/2014 19:35 PM

You Guys are Fantastic

I only wish i had friends like you in the real world. Going through this alone lends extra weight. I will struggle to carry it and /or cast it aside.

deena04 posted 7/2/2014 19:40 PM

They lie to make themselves feel better about ripping the heart and soul out of their FAITHFUL spouse or SO. Sorry, bad day here. I am in high bitch mode.

Coma posted 7/3/2014 18:42 PM

They lie to make themselves feel better about ripping the heart and soul out of their FAITHFUL spouse or SO. Sorry, bad day here. I am in high bitch mode.

No apologies Deena

I wish i could indulge my iiner bitch.
I just got smart phones for us. She says that she never used one before but already has things set up like mail and such. I don't even know how to answer calls yet. Coincidence?

Vulcanized posted 7/3/2014 21:57 PM

((Coma))

Your WW lies b/c if you are the problem, then she isn't.

It goes hand in hand with the inability to look inward and the selfishness.

I know what lies my XH spread about me to our friends, his family and his lawyer. I can't imagine what bullshit he told OW, nor does it matter. At some point, XH believed the shit he was spewing, b/c he would say these things to my face. Much as he tried, he couldn't get his crazy to stick.

FWW offered me hall pass after i busted her the first and second times.

That is her trying to drag you down to her level. And also, to her thinking, will even up the score. I say this b/c I went out & did it and that was my crappy rationale. It didn't; actually it was worse, b/c I knew what I was doing and the damage it could inflict.

I don't know if FWW has learned and grown from her betrayal. I can only hope she has but i doubt it

I can only think that if she has, she'd be jumping thru hoops trying to prove it to you. Some people never get it. I wish the same for my XH, but don't think he'll ever get it.

I make mistakes like everyone else but i learn and grow.

That's all you can do. You can't force WW to do the same; if she can't grow parallel with you, you have to decide what comes next.