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Just a kiss?

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Tigaress posted 7/1/2014 21:51 PM

Hi everybody, I'm new. Found out on Sunday that my husband is cheating on me. We've had a very longer rough patch, he was unemployed, we had a baby, my pregnancy was difficult and the baby was born premature (he's fine now) etc. etc. but in all those difficulties there was always the knowledge that we were loyal to each other and cheating would be out of the question. Until now. I was suspicious for a while and when he left his email open I snooped around and found the emails with that woman. Those emails were quite clear about them having met, having been on dates, having kissed. There were other emails with other women who were more on an 'intellectual banter' level. I confronted my husband (and that woman) and his excuse was that he never slept with her, only kissed her. Now, honestly, for me the level of betrayal is pretty much the same. And who tells me that he wouldn't have slept with her already if she had let him? Or maybe he had already slept with her - cheaters are not really the most trustworthy witnesses. But I only have actual 'proof' for him kissing one woman. What should I do now?

Tigaress posted 7/1/2014 22:30 PM

Hi - please help me out. I didn't even know that the first step is to forbid contact with the other woman. Just texted that to my husband as a prerequisite that I delay the filing of the divorce and continue talking to him. But what should I do now? I always tend to forgive him everything ...

Sadmumma posted 7/1/2014 23:52 PM

Tigaress sorry to see you here, in the club nobody ever wants to join.

I guess the first thing is to have an open discussion with WH. Before you decide on D I would ask for a full disclosure of what happened, the extent of the betrayal, frequency, etc.

Do not expect truthful answers. Many will give you what is called trickle truth (little bits of the truth) others (like my WH) will outright lie to your face.

Moving forward if you want to explore and offer reconciliation then he should go no contact with OW and give you full access to his email / phone/ Facebook and any other records to verify.

There's a wealth of knowledge on this website. Read here, post often.

Good luck, your among friends.

ZedLeppelin posted 7/2/2014 00:05 AM

The only concrete proof you need is if you require it to prove something in court.

You have already established that he has broken marital boundaries by kissing a 3rd party. For me this would be more than enough to nuke his little fantasy.

I always tend to forgive him everything ...

Throw the above mentality out of the window. The most important thing you need to do now is to stand up for yourself. Even if you feel like crap, you need to send him a message by acting strong. You need to make it clear that he has broken your trust and that you will now make an assessment to see if this marriage is worth continuing (even if inside you are desperate for it to work out). No long conversations. Do not get dragged into his bullshit.

1. Go see a lawyer to find out what your options are.
2. Expose the OW to her husband/boyfriend
3. Expose your husband's behavior to his parents. Make it clear to them that his behavior is unacceptable.
4. Make him move into the guestroom/whatever.
5. Initiate 180.
6. Surround yourself with family/friends who are on your side. Do not suffer in silence. Go to IC if you feel you need it.

If he gets angry about the above - tough shit. That is the price he has to pay for breaking boundaries. If you feel threatened/fear he may physically hurt you then surround yourself with loved ones. Ask your parents to come over etc.

If he has shown enough remorse and has come 100% clean, then you can gradually start to map out a plan for rebuilding your marriage.

mike7 posted 7/2/2014 00:19 AM

Zed said it.

1. NC
2. Expose the affair to everyone. Affairs EAs, PAs, etc. love the darkness. Turn the light on.
3. See a lawyer to know your rights
4. Any other requirements that you have.


Was it just a kiss? Probably not. From my experience, men who are willing to make out with women other than their wives are also willing to have sex with them. You're probably getting lied to. Tell him you want a polygraph. If he's telling the truth he will have no problem with it. If he isn't, he'll come up with a bunch of excuses. If you do go to a polygraph, he will probably confess everything on the drive to the polygraph office. But be prepared. he's probably lying.

Jomarion posted 7/2/2014 04:49 AM

If it was 'just a kiss' (which I really doubt), it won't stay that way for long. I 'forgive' everything too. I wish I hadn't.

For me it started with a friend saying they had seen them hugging in public.

A week later I caught her kissing him on the cheek. Said it was 'just a kiss'. In fact, they were already having sex behind my back.

I would not believe the just a kiss. It is minimising.

And even if it is just a kiss, it is still cheating, a betrayal of trust.

I agree with the ZepplinLed and Mike7. Act now. Act strongly. Do not make my mistakes and be 'nice' It did not work in my experience. Only gave him more power to carry on behind my back.He got sneakier and more nasty, she did too.

Sorry you are here. Good luck

Jomarion posted 7/2/2014 04:49 AM

If it was 'just a kiss' (which I really doubt), it won't stay that way for long. I 'forgive' everything too. I wish I hadn't.

For me it started with a friend saying they had seen them hugging in public.

A week later I caught her kissing him on the cheek. Said it was 'just a kiss'. In fact, they were already having sex behind my back.

I would not believe the just a kiss. It is minimising.

And even if it is just a kiss, it is still cheating, a betrayal of trust.

I agree with the ZepplinLed and Mike7. Act now. Act strongly. Do not make my mistakes and be 'nice' It did not work in my experience. Only gave him more power to carry on behind my back.He got sneakier and more nasty, she did too.

Sorry you are here. Good luck

JerseyCowgirl posted 7/2/2014 05:31 AM

((Hugs To You))
I ditto exactly what Led posted.
This is so tough right now but to get through this you will have to be tough. Reach out here to others...you will find some of the best support anywhere right here. You will get thru this & my thoughts will be on you today
JC

norabird posted 7/2/2014 09:10 AM

It is very tempting to believe it was 'only' kissing to try and protect yourself from the pain of its being more; but in most cases, it won't stop there. Your WH clearly has awful boundaries and . At a minimum, do the 180, insist he read Shirley Glass's "Not Just Friends" and make him get IC before you try MC if you go that route. Do not even think about forgiveness yet./ He has a lot of work to do and with all of the brokenness his behavior shows, sadly, it is not a given that he is capable of doing that work to be safe for you. Watch his actions, don't listen to his words, and wait very carefully to see if he delivers behavior that is truly remorseful.

This is all about his own failings and has NOTHING to do with you. Remember that and take care of yourself. You did not do anything to cause him to act in this way and should feel no shame or responsibility.

Tigaress posted 7/2/2014 09:28 AM

Thank you everybody so much - I am so glad I found this place, you all are wonderful!
I will have the open discussion next, as you suggested. I know that he was 'communicating' with other women and I need to get the full picture. Not sure when exactly that will happen, because I kicked him out of the house the moment I found out about the affair. He's been living with his cousin in Jersey since then, I think.
I also would love to expose this woman. I know who she is (thank google) but no idea what to do with that. My best friend recommended I should walk away but I'd like some justice. When I emailed her that my husband was married with a baby she replied that she didn't care. That deserves something, no?
And what is a 180?
I believe IC means individual counseling? I tried it so many times to get my husband to see a therapist but he just refuses. The long time of unemployment has made him angry and depressed. But if I bring up the topic it ends in a nasty fight, with him blaming me that it is my job as the wife to be his emotional support. Maybe now, that he clearly needs to do work if he wants any chance for reconciliation he might change his mind ...
Currently, he does appear remorseful, but I think that's largely because he got caught and because his parents (and probably other family) are kicking his butt. He still has not responded to my request that he emails the slut very explicitly that there will be absolutely no further contact between them. I'm waiting....
In the meantime, I've started a daily workout routine and I'm meeting one of my girlfriends after the other to get all the hugs I need :-)

Shinypenny posted 7/2/2014 09:45 AM

This is nearly identical to what happened to me! Ugh! First of all, I believe Zed said it all. There is no "just a kiss". Even if it is true and there was no sex, the minute he crossed the line is when he initiated any kind of relationship with these women. Even if they were just talking and flirting, would he feel ok if you did the same? No. You have every right to lose your shit over this. First and foremost, full disclosure of email, Facebook, phone without giving him warning to delete. Check sent and deleted messages in email, archived messages on Facebook... You deserve the full truth. Any stammering on his part will tell you a lot! So sorry!

KatieG posted 7/2/2014 11:15 AM

Going NC is so important. When I was told the first story "just kissing" I so wrongly assumed because I had found out that was it.

But he carried on seeing her for another 5 weeks. I feel so stupid now making such an assumption. I so wish I had asked him straight out to go NC.

Lark posted 7/2/2014 11:33 AM

Hugs!!
I think there is a lot of good advice here. No-contact, marriage counseling, individual counseling, a lot of great books.

Most likely it was not just kissing. So definitely get tested for STIs. Usually what we find out is the tip of the iceburg and the WS will only admit what they absolutely have to until you have evidence of more.

Hugs because I'm sorry you're here. There are a lot of great people here though and a lot of great resources

begintoday posted 7/2/2014 17:53 PM

Lots of good advice here. One thing I wouldn't recommend is telling his family, his friends, his coworkers.
This will do nothing to fix the situation. It will create increased animosity between you and him. If you think there is a chance for reconciliation then telling everybody this side of Chicago will significantly lower the chances. Also, if you do head for divorce, it adds nothing in your favor.
If you care for him, which you obviously do, or you wouldn't hurt so much, it might make you feel some guilt as it is done for no other reason to cause pain. I know this from personal experience.
Yes, I know he hurt you. Incredibly. But spreading the pain doesn't make you feel better. He needs to hurt, don't get me wrong. Just calculate your moves with long-term strategies in mind.
So, if you are unquestionably headed for divorce, by all means tell everyone. Just think before acting. Be smart, be strong. Sounds like you have good friends, lean on them.

[This message edited by begintoday at 5:55 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

libertyrocks posted 7/2/2014 18:19 PM

First off, I'm so sorry for the amount of pain your are going to endure. Trust your gut. Dig into the phone records and internet history. Your answers will most likely be in black and white, not from his mouth.

On Dday #1 I got, "we're just friends" a year and a half later of therapy, lying, it was 10 other women in 3 years with a long term girlfriend. Tip of the iceberg.

Good luck and again sorry you're here with us. This place has saved me in more ways than one, I can honestly tell you that...

Look at me now, I don't care about him and I"m soooo happpy and freeeee. You. Will. Survive. This.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 6:20 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

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