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Husband of 31 years was with another man.

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DownButNotOutAZ posted 7/1/2014 23:48 PM

Two weeks ago tomorrow my husband informed me that he had slept with another man not one night but two. It happened about six weeks ago.

So the story goes, they met six months ago (Dec 2013)on a business trip. Casually met at a bar at the hotel, struck up a conversation, decided to have dinner. I guess they had conversations about things that my husband felt he could not discuss with me. They have stayed in contact I believe through email since then.

In May of this year (2014) my husband went back to the same state on another business trip and met up with this same man. They of course had dinner together again and then ended up sleeping together not once, but twice.

Before his confession to me, he had been drinking a lot since he was with this man. I knew something was really bothering him so I asked what was up. That was when he confessed to me through a uncontrolled sobbing fit.

He has been meeting with a pastor from a local church. He told my husband that if he really wanted to move forward and be forgiven that he needed to tell me.

Of course my life stopped at that moment. I had absolutely NO idea that he would ever in a hundred million years be with a man. The whole thing disgust me to the point that I want to toss my cookies!!

I have discovered how strong I am through this whole dilemma. At first I thought my life was over, how could I possibly move forward. I have been with him for "34" years and married for 31. How could this possibly happen? I have no reason to lie. We get along great, have a great sex life. The funny part is he thinks the same thing (or so he says). He would like to remain together. My heart tells me that he is bisexual. He denies it.

If I knew for a fact that this would never happen again I could possibly remain with him. I guess there is no way of knowing. There is so much to consider. This whole thought process is too much to handle. It consumes almost every minute of my day.

I'm going to take it slow, think a lot and do what is best for me. Any input would be greatly appreciated..

bigskyblues posted 7/2/2014 00:38 AM


I'm going to take it slow, think a lot and do what is best for me.
Perfect start! There are going to be a lot of ups and downs coming your way; make sure you take care of you first, you are the priority.

Also understand your wh's decisions weren't based on something you did or did not provide in the marriage. He made his decision because he of his own issues. He will have to be the one to fix himself, you didn't break him and you cant fix him.

The good news is that you don't have to make any immediate decisions. Take some time to heal yourself, and watch what your wh does. As they say around here "actions not words." You will know by watching him if he is truly trying to heal himself or just going through the motions to appease you.

You have to come to a wonderful group that will be so willing to help you through this. Post here as much as you need, sometimes it is a great place just to vent as well as to learn.

Wish you the best!


KatieG posted 7/2/2014 02:59 AM

There is so much to consider

Yes indeed. And you are being so strong. Taking it slowly is a very good plan. No need to make big decisions and a lot to process and understand.

Sending you more strength.

shiftingsand posted 7/2/2014 05:52 AM

Dear Down,
I am so sorry that you are in this pain. Please know that you have not done anything to cause your WaywardHusband (WH) to do this.

I am relatively new to this board and there are others who have much more experience with sage advice for you. I am sure they will be posting a bit later.

Please know that we are here for you and to get plenty of rest, drink water and be kind to yourself.

There is some helpful information located to the left "the Healing Library" on the left hand-side in yellow blocking.

Also, it is very important that you go see your physician to be tested for any sexually transmitted diseases/infections, including HIV. Men who have sex with men is the second largest risk group for HIV infection. To appropriately asess your risk for HIV infection, knowing whether your WH had unprotected sex will be important. The risk is very real. Please do not neglect this part of taking care of yourself. There is a support section on the board for persons who have contracted a sexually transmitted disease from their wayward spouses (WS) if you need it in the future.

Again, I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. I appauld your spirit and emotional strength. More experienced people will be along shortly to provide you with better guidance.

Hugs to you!

Schadenfreude posted 7/2/2014 07:41 AM

Shifting has your #1 priority -- your health. Don't have sex of any type until you and he have STD tests including blood tests for HIV.

You've seen "'A had nothing to do with you"? It's triple true here. He probably is bi or at last bi curious. Most men just don't want to sleep with other men.

It's a blow to how you view the world. My W has at best poor boundaries with certain women which is why I'm here.

There a topic in I Can Relate that May help even though you may have to dig thru hist

Schadenfreude posted 7/2/2014 07:42 AM

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 7:44 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

MindMonkey posted 7/2/2014 07:42 AM

I don't know how to help but I will say that many men have bi-curious thoughts yet are not bi-sexual. The fact that your H had sex 2x with a man still doesn't mean he's bisexual. And if he is, he is still a candidiate for recovery if that's what YOU want. IMO the path to R is the same (mostly) for a bisexual WS. Now if he was homosexual, you would likely need to D, but it does not sound like that is the case at all.

He needs to give you as much honesty regarding his preferrences as he can. It's going to hurt so don't ask until you are ready. Also take it in small doses if you have to. The fact that you did not toss your cookies is a good sign you have adequete strength. Many BS do throw up.

This whole thought process is too much to handle. It consumes almost every minute of my day.

This is your new reality for a long while. It gets easier AFTER it gets much harder. IC can help, I encourage you to seek out outside professional help. I personally would not have made it alone.

confused615 posted 7/2/2014 08:26 AM


I found out 4 years ago that my husband cheated on me with a man.

I know you are in shock..and you're questioning every thing you have shared with this man. It will be awhile before the full betrayal of what he has done hits you. Please be kind to yourself.

I will tell you where I am right now. I am happy. I still get angry and sad. I still cry. but the sharpness of the pain has diminished a lot. My husband is not bi, or gay. He was curious, lost, and seeking ways to demean himself(FOO issues). He has done a lot of work on himself to be a safe partner for me. The last 4 years have been up and down. But..we are together...we are happy.

Please don't blame yourself. This really has nothing to do with you. At all. This is all about your husband and his issues.

I do want to caution you. Chances are, there is more to this story. He met this guy in Dec 13..and they stayed in contact..then had sex twice. Chances are, there were pics sent back and calls..etc. They didn't just meet up and decide to have sex. This was being planned for 6 months.

Also, there is a good chance there have been more men. Have you seen his email account? How about his secret email account? He has one.

You must have complete transparency to R. He gives you full access to all of his online He answers all of your questions. He gets tested for STD's..a full panel..and he has to tell the doctor he had sex with a man, so they know what to test him for. He needs IC to figure out why he did this. He also must sent a no contact email to OM. And, if OM has a wife, please, please call her and tell her. Investigate this man..chances are he is married..even if your WH has told you he isn't.

It's good that he confessed. But it's going to take a lot of work to repair the damage he has caused.

Slight t/j...@ MIndMonkey...THANK YOU for saying many men have bicurious thoughts/act on it.. but are not bi or gay. As you know, this was a question for the Menz in that long thread on the General forum..and very few men responded to it. From a wife who really wanted to read those responses..thank you so much for saying what you did.

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:29 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

confused615 posted 7/2/2014 08:31 AM

Also..I wanted to add...even if he is bisexual, your marriage doesn't have to be over.

While sexuality isn't a choice, being faithful is. He can choose to be faithful.

Of course, you don't have to choose to stay.

MindMonkey posted 7/2/2014 08:49 AM

Slight t/j...@ MIndMonkey...THANK YOU for saying many men have bicurious thoughts/act on it.. but are not bi or gay. As you know, this was a question for the Menz in that long thread on the General forum..and very few men responded to it. From a wife who really wanted to read those responses..thank you so much for saying what you did.

No problem. I'm included in "many" men but it's hard to admit to it even in an anonymous forum.

end t/j


I also wanted to really reiterate the need to dig down and learn the whole truth here. This wasn't a ONS with a stranger he met on the internet. For the life of me I would not be able to understand how a friendship turned sexual over the course of 6 months unless OM is gay or bi. Having sex with another strait man doesn't come up in idle conversation.

The whole story seems so hard to wrap my head around quite honestly. Sorry you find yourself in this terrible place.

redsox13 posted 7/2/2014 09:09 AM

I'm not so convinced that it can be written off as bi-curious. This isn't the case of drunken one night stand, and suggests your H gave a great deal of thought to what he was doing.

It is a very big line to cross for a man to sleep with another man - the vast majority of men would never think of it - most straight men are repelled at the thought.

Having seen this happen to several friends, I would suggest that he has been struggling with this for a while - maybe decades. Typically the married man in this situation is very much in denial - he doesn't want to be gay. I would insist that he go to counseling - and not one specializing in the nonsense of reparative therapy. He needs to honestly confront who he is for the sake of both of you.

The good news is that I have read about 80% of bisexuals are monogamous.

Down you sound very strong in all of this, and I with the best for you. You are not alone.

doggiediva posted 7/2/2014 09:38 AM

I agree 100% about the need for your WH to get counseling, not the reparative therapy..He does need to confront who he is..

I think this kind of counseling is vital for ALL WS's TBH..

Take care of your health and sanity..

Even though your WH says that he wants to stay in the marriage, be prepared for his lies and TT to come out of the woodwork, and figure out how you will want to deal with it..

You have shared your life with your WH more than 3 decades..

I don't mean to come off as cynical, but I must warn you..

If I were you I would visit an attorney to learn your rights should R go bad...

Have your WH go ahead and protect you financially NOW in case R goes bad...Especially if either one of you were stay at home spouses in the last few years...You don't want his misbehavior to ruin your retirement years...

I think that having him do/sign something to legally/financially protect you will kill two birds with one stone as it will help clarify for you his motives for wanting to stay in the marriage..

In other words take away the marriage's ability to provide for your WH's financial and family security and see what you have left..

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/2/2014 11:32 AM

Ok, trying to breathe here because there is something else that may not be known yet and happened to my WH. Is there a chance your husband may have been sexually abused at some point? He may be acting out the anger/frustration/confusion of something that happened that he's not allowed himself to admit or deal with. Is he willing to go to IC and MC? I've also been married 30 years. I hope you are able to take care of yourself.

DownButNotOutAZ posted 7/3/2014 08:12 AM

Thanks to all of you that have taken time to respond to my dilemma. I appreciate your time more than you realize.

I wanted to answer some questions that have been asked.

1. My H did send a "no more contact" email to the OM. He printed it and gave it to me without me asking him. Any yes, he did have a secretive email account set up for all of his filthy emails.

2. Unfortunately we had sex at a minimum of four times after he was with the OM before DD. He WILL have a full panel ran for STD's at the three month from his disgusting rondavue. I then too will be tested if he has any positive results.

3. So far I have only been to a therapist once but I was not overly impressed. Will be looking for someone new. Maybe I was looking for answers that no one has the answer to.

We continue to talk daily. I poke and prod him looking for the answers I need to help me better determine if our 34 year relationship can survive and move forward.

Is it just me or are mornings always the toughest? I wake up full of anger.

confused615 posted 7/3/2014 08:15 AM

You need to be tested regardless of his results. It is possible to pass something on to you, but he tests negative. Also, if I recall, there is no way to test HPV in men..and HPV is very common with man/man con tact. You must get tested.

Anger is good. It will help you think more clearly. It's the sadness that gets you.

Big hugs.

norabird posted 7/3/2014 10:09 AM

For a long time it was the first thing I thought of every morning. Eventually, it won't be.

When you do find a good IC it will be very helpful. You are doing wonderfully so far and have incredible strength and grace. Hold your head high with that knowledge.

tushnurse posted 7/3/2014 11:17 AM

Welcome - So far you have rec'd wonderful advice, I just want to throw my 2 cents in though.

Unfortunately we had sex at a minimum of four times after he was with the OM before DD. He WILL have a full panel ran for STD's at the three month from his disgusting rondavue. I then too will be tested if he has any positive results.

This is backward thinking. Take control of your own health. Go get tested, and tested for EVERYTHING. Even with negative tests in him that does not guarantee you were not exposed. Please take this seriously.

Along that line I also am a firm believer no matter who your H cheated with you need to see a lawyer, and sooner than later. Find out your rights, his obligations, and go from there. It will provide you with knowledge which in turn gives you strength.

Also your H needs IC intensive IC, and not with a pastor, but rather a non-invested purely clinical therapist. Homosexuality and Bisexuality is something that has been looked upon negatively for many years, and religious therapists tend to approach it with a bias. Your spouse needs to explore why he chose this path. Is he gay? Is he Bi? If he is gay, and he is repressing his feelings you are bound to have another episode regardless of how much you love each other. If he isn't gay or bi he also needs to get to the root of his choices without that bias again.

While he chose a same sex person to have his A with it still hurts the same way, and shows that he is broken. To heal he still has to go through the same steps to figure out his why's and heal himself. Until he does that, you unfortunately won't know which path you will travel.
That is why it is important for you to focus on you, and figure out what you want and need to happy and healthy independently from your spouse.

(((and strength)))

painfulpast posted 7/3/2014 11:29 AM

I'm not so convinced that it can be written off as bi-curious. This isn't the case of drunken one night stand, and suggests your H gave a great deal of thought to what he was doing

Sorry - disagree here. Bi-curious, to me, would require a great deal of thought before going through with it. A drunken ONS would tell me the person IS bi, because there was zero hesitation in sex with a man.

He was curious. First, the EA started. Slowly built. WS here probably thought several times, this is wrong, but he kept going because he was interested/curious/wondering what was going on in his own head - not to mention that 'thrill' of an EA that WSs seem to just love. The chance for a meeting finally arrives again. Drinks are had, and there has been sexual feelings building from the emails, texts, etc. They have sex - twice.

WSs next move? Run to a pastor, and then tell wife. That doesn't sound like anything more than a curious person that went all the way down that road when the opportunity presented itself.

my opinion, but if someone is curious, they are. It doesn't mean they run out and grab the first person to say yes.

cmego posted 7/3/2014 14:03 PM

There are several of us here, when the AP was same-sex. I'm one of the "older" ones on here.

My ex's life was only blown open because he ticked off one of them. I think if that man hadn't tracked me down and told me, I'd still be married. Ex cheating when he travelled, just like was so easily hidden. My ex had been doing it for YEARS when d-day hit.

We did try to R for close to 9 months. At that point, married for 15 years, together for 17 and I was a SAHM with 2 children.

I desperately wanted to believe my ex was bi-curious, or even bi-sexual. But, I did enough reading to learn it is a very, very small minority of men with "gay thoughts" that don't eventually act on them. Some, yes, do survive this and go on to a good marriage. There are support groups out there for "open marriages" and marriages where one spouse is gay but chooses to stay in a hetero relationship. But, I contend that the man has to be VERY emotionally strong and communicative for the marriage to survive. You've got to be able to openly and honestly talk with each other about some very painful topics.

There are likely parts of him that he needs to explore. You don't wake up one day and decide to have sex with a man. My H had a gay experience in high school (never told me!), then married me at 22. The best I can tell, he was faithful for a few years.

What he told me was that when he met me, "He thought his question had been answered" since he fell in love with me. Then, later, he felt he deserved to cheat on me to "figure this out". He treated me terribly during those years. And, yes, we were still having an active sex life, although now that I've been with heterosexual men...the sex is different with a hetero guy.

Get tested. Now. There is likely more to the story. Get yourself into therapy. A strong IC who isn't afraid to discuss gay issues and can support you on YOUR journey through this. Your H is likely on a journey trying to figure out who he is. It is a hard journey to go on. He doesn't want to hurt you, yet he was driven to do this. You mention an email account? I'm guessing you are just beginning to discover what he has been hiding.

It was hard for me to listen to people say, "This is just the beginning. There is probably more. There are few true bi-sexuals, he is likely gay. Protect yourself and your future. Get to a lawyer NOW. " Trust us. Just do the hard things while things are playing out...You don't have to divorce him if things settle down and he does the hard work. But, you have a responsibility to protect yourself. He didn't protect have to protect yourself. My ex was also drinking heavily during this time.

I have doubts that a pastor is really going to be able to help him. Being forgiven is wonderful, but that isn't going to answer the question of "why?". You don't want to "rug-sweep" this and then he cheat again in a year...or few years...because he didn't address the reasons and come to term with the answers.

For me, it was all true...he is 95% gay. I say 95% because he would still have sex with me if I gave him the opportunity. But, I'm the only woman he has ever been with. He has been with many, many men. He is now in an openly gay relationship of 2.5 years. Our kids know. I moved forward, got myself into grad school, moved my kids and am happy and dating. I've worked hard at healing after that nightmare. Regardless of what you choose to do, we will be here to support you. You will survive...and thrive...regardless of what happens.

Make sure you are eating, drinking and have some supportive friends you can talk to.

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