Ok so I took the advice on board and didn't cry last night, I didn't mention anything, I tried for the part to be normal, he tried to make more of an effort but to me it just doesn't feel natural, we seem so forced.
He went out to boxing for an hour and a half I had my tea, a glass of wine, soaked in the bath, did something for me, last night at least for the first time I felt a tiny bit of being in control of myself.
When he came home I didn't act needy, he kept asking if I was ok, he cuddled me, kissed me, asked if I wanted to lie on his chest whilst we watched TV but then it just all feels so awkward to me, is this normal? Everything feels just not right our 'relationship' feels forced.
This morning he text me from work saying he feels sad that its come to us going to counselling and its like we are doing the last thing possible now and its weird to have to talk to someone else about us but he's positive about it which is a relief and hes promised me that he will be open, I think he's worried that hes going to be attacked but Ive tried to tell him its not about that, its about the big picture not just the A.
Is it normal to feel like absolute strangers after something like this, can you get back to a good place? A telephone conversation where we would run out of time talking whilst he was on his break is strained now for the 10 minutes I talk to him.
How can you go from being the centre to of someone's world to this, I just cant believe it.
Ive told him today I feel pretty numb and I do. I slept terribly last night wondering how we had got here, (he slept like a baby).
I just want to feel good about us again, I want the security of before.
Blanket, luckily I never had to endure things like hotels and credit card statements I caught him pretty quickly but some of the things he did were out of character, he was out the house every night with her, she still lived with her parents, Im cringing typing this but it gave her great pleasure in telling me that she had stolen a tent from sports direct and that's the first time they had sex in a fu**ing tent. She planned it all she said there was no talk between the two of them about having sex, he's not forward like that but she stole her tent, packed condoms (that she didn't use) tissues and a duvet and she climbed on top of him in the tent. I mean how disgusting is that, that is what he stooped to! Hes so ashamed of this I cant talk to him about it, she planned it all, I know that because she told me and took great delight in doing so.
A TENT!!!!!! A STOLEN TENT!! WTF.
I feel a bit like you today I am sick of talking about it, its getting me no where, I just hate the feeling of constantly being on edge when we are together. I just don't believe there is sincerity when he kisses me or offers to hold me.
In las vegas, he used me, holiday sleepovers even though I had just caught him, I was desperate for anything from him though so I just kept sleeping with him.
The evening I caught him (day before holiday) he came home slept with me and blatantly told me he was going back out to say goodbye to her and he would meet me in town to get our currency, what a knob I am for putting up with that, then let him use me whilst on holiday, whilst he was using his twitter account to still be in contact with her after I had blown every penny we had for this holiday.
I so wish I could just push my life forward a year just to see where I am because the turmoil of each day is just unbearable at the moment, like you its like a switch was flipped one day it was normal and the next He was gone, we were gone, everything ive known has gone.
When I see the recovery times on here I just think I cant do it, ive said to OH it would be easier to walk away and start again than try and get through this but Im the mug who is not prepared to throw us away.
What can I expect from counselling, im just so worried there is so much to say I wont be able to say it all and I dont want him to feel like I am attacking him, what does the counsellor do, how do they work, im apprehensive about how things are going to go.
Do you really find it beneficial does it really make an impact because right now our relationship is on 0 so we are starting at the bottom, I dont want to live my life without him, even though hes been a total arse, I want to and for him to give us the best shot possible.
Hope today is a brighter day...wishing the hours away until our first counselling session.