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misslocket posted 7/2/2014 02:54 AM

Well where do I start.
I battled on my car journey home as to whether I should bring up the thoughts in my head or just to put on a brave face for OH.
I just couldn't hold it in so I was polite about it, questioned him on why he wanted to be with me, what he saw for the future of our relationship and basically all I got was that he loved me, he wanted to be with me blah blah no in depth, he just said I don't understand what you mean, just accept I want you.
Im so pissed off, its like banging my head up a wall with him, so then I say to him its hard when you dont treasure me, you don't comfort me, you dont give me enought affection, you dont act like a person whos has cheated on me and he says its hard when every day is a battle of tears like this and we are just going round in circles, so then I think if I don't nag him about these things he will just think everything is ok.
He becomes defensive and I just want to scream at him.
So the question is, are my tears, my sadness, my constant barrage of nagging him about how he treats me, is that the reason he cant get close to me, don't get me wrong he hugs me, he asks if Im ok, he tells me he loves me but Im just completely needy and for 12 and half years I havent been that way and he admits hes become lazy in the relationship because before all this I was happy to give give give and never wanted anything in return.
He says constantly he wants to change, he wants to be better but feels because of the daily grind and me constantly crying and feeling sad he can't.
Someone please tell me if he's right, coz if thats the case I will try and not be so emotional constantly.
He text me this morning saying, hes sad, he has regret and feels terrible and he loves me.
Then I spoke to him briefly on his break and asked him how he feels about us and he says he has hope for us but he can see he is killing me, so then I burst into tears again and tell its because how he treats me.
He asks all the time if we can just be, give him time to breath instead of being constantly down his throat.
I'm not trying to punish him, I just want a bit more and I feel I deserve a bit more, this morning before he left for work he was so kind and affectionate to me but then Ive got upset again after our telephone conversation.
I know that my behaviour which to some point is justified is somewhat holding us back.
Please any advice on this, im so desperate.

Lowlow posted 7/2/2014 03:10 AM

Hi ML

I don't know your backstory. You are newly registered. How long ago was your DD? Did he confess or did you confront him with evidence? Those matter in terms of your healing journey... As do other things like the type and number of affairs. Are you in IC? Is he? Are you both in MC? Those help, lots. The timeline for recovery is years, no matter whether you reconcile or not. SI is a wonderful supportive resource. Keep reading and posting. There are wonderful and experienced people who can help you.

What you are describing is called blameshifting. Your WS wants you to just get over this and move on. Healing doesn't happen that way. The affair has nothing to do with you or your actions. Remember that you were in the same marriage as him and you didn't cheat. The WS who cheats had an inflated sense of self, is willing to use deception, has weak boundaries and other personality traits that led them to cheat when they should have tried to resolve their issues in a more adult and respectful way. No one deserves to be cheated on. Mo relationship is so bad that legitimated any of the partners to cheat. You need to remember that and your spouse needs to start thinking about why he let himself have an affair rather than deal with his problems like a responsible adult.

You are not to blame at all. Do not let him push you around. Do not let him control you. Otherwise, the conditions for another or continued affair remain. If he doesn't look into himself about why he let this happen, it will happen a ll over again.

So sorry you are here, but you have a supportive group in SI

misslocket posted 7/2/2014 03:18 AM

Hi Lowlow,

DD was three months ago, the affair was literally a week, that is all, ive spoke to the OW and everything he has said is the truth, he told her we had split up, so she was very open about being completely straight with me as he was lying to her.
We start couples counselling tomorrow but I'm going to speak to her about some IC too.
I don't blame myself as such its just am I going about all this the wrong way, I know it takes time, hes a kind person for the most am I hindering our recovery by my daily tears and emotionally battering him.

Blanket posted 7/2/2014 04:06 AM

I completely feel your pain and frustration. It is so exhausting.
It doesn't matter what I say the only response I get is I love you and I want to be with you . Sometimes I wonder if it's me or himself he is trying to convince. It's almost like he's done me a favour by being with me!
I ask my self if he really loves me then why is he so defensive, why is he not doing everything in his power to get me through this.
I stopped being emotional (believe me this came with reluctance -why shouldn't he see the damage he has caused) but it really was getting me no where with him. Our Hs sound quite similar in their communication style (lack of!) and unable to handle the consequences of their actions as this results in self hating which then gets processed in to defensiveness which made me feel worse so it felt fruitless trying to discuss it.
I brought this up at MC as I was so tired of being silenced. This was only Monday so I gave yet to see if it has had any impact.
This is the worst aspect of the whole ordeal for me , the rugs weeping , lack of understanding, just general lack of showing that he wants me and embracing the second chance he's been given.
You can't help how you feel so don't let him gain control of that. What you have to do is try and heal yourself with tiny tiny steps. What do you like doing? I have lost interest in all of my hobbies but just recently I have forced my self to enjoy a quiet bath while he us at work and listen to an audio book and even if it is just ten minutes I have peace for and am distracted it helps. Everything I do around the home is filled with resentment now - I used to love cooking and now it feel like I'm a maid!
The initial shock does fade , don't get me wrong you never stop wondering how could you do this to me, but at some pint you find some strength. You can not rely on him to heal you no matter how much you want him to and how much he should be giving you more. Try to remember who you were before - not you the wife, just you , and what you were about. You are a strong woman with good values who is willing to fight for something they love . Respect your self for that.
I keep hoping the remorse will come but there are no guarantees in any of this .
Follow your gut and don't let anyone talk you into anything . I made messy mistakes based on the advice of others my gut hasn't let me down yet.
Try and give him some space , not space as in being apart but hold it together emotionally and see if it makes it easier for him to talk and open up. I guess it seems by doing that you are not bring true to yourself but at the same time it is worth exploring every avenue and approach.
Wishing you a better day today. Take it hour by hour , minute by minute if you have to. You will be ok .have faith in you.

misslocket posted 7/2/2014 04:44 AM

Hi Blanket,

Its is so so exhausting, for example I text him today saying I may have individual therapy aswell as couples as I feel majorly fucked up and he texts this back

your not fucked up, your just going through major problems xxxx
Do what you feel will make you happy xxxx

I mean where is the ownership in that, you and your!! I started to type a reply trying to show him how hurtful that response is but whats the point because all he will do is explain his actions and defend defend defend then I will cry and then I will say I cant do this and then the whole cycle starts again. Am I being too sensitive to his words or is he genuinely just saying something nice, I can't think rationally anymore.
I would be so keen to hear how your MC is going, mine starts tomorrow, im worried im banking too much on it too much to save us, im scared its not gonna work, im in such a pessimistic state.
I like you am 33, I have grown up with this person, ive given him my life for almost 13 years and feel what a bloody waste now, I developed an eating problem just after DDay and didnt eat for 21 days I lost the ability to swallow, I lost 30lbs.
The trouble is, he knows it all, he says all the right things but his actions don't reflect his words, so I think you're right, im going to have to hold back on the emotions, I am going to have to expect absolutely nothing from him right now and just go with that he loves me and wants me and he's still here (shouldn't he be saying that)
Pre A I know our relationship was in a mess and i was not the nicest of people at times, we let things fall into a slippery spiral of snappiness, I know sometimes I'm not the easiest person in the world but Ive always been kind to him.
I get up with him at 4.40am every day get his breakfast ready, do his lunch come home every day cook his tea, these are things I always took great pleasure in , now I just feel used, I tried to explain this last night and say, I do a lot for you why cant you do some things for me and then the defence comes out, he says 'well dont do it, you dont have to make me breakfast lunch and dinner and if you dont the gap between what you do and what I do will become smaller' GRRRRRRR, im not saying i dont want to do it, im saying it would be nice if you did something like that for me sometimes, so there we go same old shit, same old argument back round in circles again.
So, I will try a new approach, im gonna back off, no pressure on him to do anything, im not begging for his affection or feeling of security any more although I still feel that way, Im gonna have to try hard and try and squash my neediness.
I cant face doing anything without him or doing anything alone. I go to work, come home and do whatever with him.
I understand the feeling of he's doing you a favour, last night he goes ' I love you don't I?' and Im like thanks very much, im honoured, like I should be grateful.
He also said that if I had been harder on him when I caught him he would have begged me as he never imagined life without me but I made it too easy for him, what a twat I am!!
Truthfully I honestly cant believe the words he comes out with.
He constantly says I know im killing you, I know your struggling to get over it...blah blah blah..well f******g do something about it then!!!
Sorry to rant.
So comforted that im not the only one blanket, thinking of you too, your messages give me a sense of being ever so slightly human. x

Blanket posted 7/2/2014 05:25 AM

Wow I feel like you are writing about my life!! It seems we are having such incredibly similar experiences! Although I would wish this devastation on anyone I am conmforted by knowing someone out there is having the same experience. I hope that can bring you comfort too.
My H could have written that text, he tells me just to do whatever makes me feel better! I want him to try to make me feel better! What would make me feel better is him being grateful and appreciating the gift he has been given - me! There is no ownership and I have no idea if that will come. My H has never taken responsibility for anything in his life I can see him starting now!
I too have lst 22lbs , everyone tells me to eat but I have no appetite!
I too could be difficult to live with, quite hilt headed and liked things done my way but if he was so bl**dy unhappy why didn't he say so, I've always been very kind and thoughtful and always put him first.he's a very passive but very selfish man with little In The way if communication skills so I've always done the talking and thinking for both of us, but I can not do this in this situation . I did for weeks asking if he felt this or that or was this the reason and I'd get the occasional nod or shrug and then I stopped. He is a grown man and I can not fix them. I've bent over my self to see things from his point of view but he has done nothing to do the same for me. I have no idea what is going on in his head or if he even truly wants to be with me. On d-day I immediately said I forgave him and would give it all another go there was no opportunity for him to beg or plead so I will never know if he would have - I could kick my self. You are not a twat! You did what felt right at the time .
I too felt like I just couldn't do anything without him and didn't like doing things alone as it felt like a stark reminder of the fact that I may find my self alone at any time. Try something g just for five minutes. It is paralysing.
Have you read the 180 article? Although I didn't intend to do it full force I adapted it to my needs and some of the things helped me regain a little dignity.
The argument you had about the things you do sounds so so familiar. It's not that you don't w t to do them it would just be nice if they were appreciated and reciprocated!
How do you find going to work, I have been signed off since I found out but I am due to go back soon and am so scared I won't be able to function?
Our mc fluctuates and I have had some truly difficult times getting him there as it forces him to communicate with so done he can't get defensive with and can't shut down so totally out of his comfort zone. The first couple I walked on egg shells not saying g what I really felt but the last one, whe I practically had to drag him there I thought I'm going to have my voice, I have a right to be heard and if he doesn't like it, tough. If he loves me so little that a difficult hour with a mc is enough to break us then what am I clinging to? So I found my voice and he nearly fell of his chair. He didn't say much but he's been quiet since we went so I'm hoping he's mulling it over. Each week he went and told the mc we are fine everything is fine, fine fine fine.... Then this week she told him to cut the BS!! I couldn't have been more grateful to her I almost high fived her!! We have this strange sense if relief, almost elation when we leave, I can't really explain it but I hope you experience it too. Don't expect miracles H will need to meaningfully engage in it all and it may take him a while. If he says he doesn't want to go ignore him, that what I did I treated him like a child that doesn't want to go to school. You may fine the A isn't the first thing she addresses we have been working on our communication as really that's the first step, it's frustrating as I just want to scream but he had an affair and we might not come again!!
My H leaves me speechless with his insensitivity and lack of remorse!
I know everything seems pointless and you can't enjoy a single thing but a moment will come where you suddenly realise you feel a little bit of peace. It might not last but embrace it when it does.

misslocket posted 7/2/2014 06:27 AM

And WOW, i feel like your writing about mine, its like we are kindred spirits in all this crap!! It actually it made me ever so slightly smile (my face almost cracked as its been some time).
I definitely lost my appetite and I only eat now when I am with him, otherwise I can't, so I still have major problems with that three months on.
I look after everything at home, he couldn't even tell you how much our mortgage is, ive literally wiped his arse for the whole of our relationship and spoilt him and in turn hes turned into a selfish, self absorbed human being, i'm the victim of my own creation, he admits all these things so hes not blind to it but again does nothing.
I also am quite bossy and like things my way, he pre A was just a submissive guy who 'happily' let me take the lead in our relationship and do everything for him and again I mirror your words, if you felt shit about us and me you should have spoken to me. I think this is part of the problem, we both have never expected a thing from them have just constantly given but now because of their betrayal we have become the needy spouse. He's never been a talker either, just shuts down, that's the problem, hes obviously been unhappy for some time and just not shared it with me, its makes me sick.
I did read the 180 and when I read it I feel positive and think I can do parts of this but the reality is I cant, it doesnt matter what I read, or try and get answers from, I just cant do it, im just weak, its as simple as that, it seems nothing can help me until I help myself.
I had about two weeks off work prior to DDay he was acting strange and pre the infidelity he said all this crap about not being in love with me anymore, I was desperate absolutely desperate and I booked a holiday to Las Vegas so he could go an watch a boxing match out there with me (it was his dream) the money I used we had been saving for a new car as I have a commute to work and I just blew the lot in desperation.
He started the A 10 days after I booked this holiday. I caught him in the back of a car with her with just his boxers on (not sure if you've read my original post story) I at that point should have just binned him, thats how I feel now. In fact he said to be last night if he caught me in the same situation it would be over!!! Can you believe it!! So makes me feel even more worthless for accepting this stranger back in my life.
Work was somewhat difficult, its literally only this week that I have started to function again.
I wasn't this time last week. I would pick up a call and my voice would crack because I was going to cry, last Monday one of my colleagues asked me what I was having for tea and I burst into tears. At work ive always been bubbly, someone who makes people laugh, now I just literally do not speak, I have to go to to the loo to compose myself, sometimes I just hide behind my computer screen and sob quietly, its not easy but honestly I would rather be here than sat at home going out of my mind, its so hard at first to get back into it but you must try, ive found being at work makes my day easier just this week ive found it my salvation, ive literally tried to just get my head down and plough myself into my job.
Im scared that after counselling tomorrow he may say hes not going back but we will see, i know that we need to address much more than the A, most of all communication so hopefully it can lead us to a better path.
Im so glad I found you on here, truthfully your words lift me just because I can share in this with someone.
I hope you're ok, i have this image of you rattling around your home. My time off work was hell I self medicated with sleeping tablets beta blockers and anti anxiety tablets, I was wasted, it was the only way I could get through, I feel really sad that you're there going through that at home, it makes me feel anxious for you because I know that feeling, especially when your H is at work. ((((blanket))))

Blanket posted 7/2/2014 09:16 AM

Hi miss locket
I am so pleased to hear you smiled if only a tiny one. You will laugh again I promise.
I too am so grateful I found you on here it is so nice to have some one to relate to.
I only eat when he is around I am too tense the rest of the time wondering what he's doing/ thinking whether today will be the end. Get this for insensitive he told me how good I looked now I'd lost weight and that I must be glad as I'm always on a diet! Seriously! I out it down to if he acknowledges that actually it's because I'm was an emotional wreck it means again him accepting his actions which time and time again he demonstrates he does not have this ability.
It sounds as though our roles in our marriage were incredibly similar I was in total control of everything and he just came along for the ride. He was always very submissive and everyone knew I wore the trousers! He did everything to please me , which I took as love. Ironically he now says he on,y married me to please me and marriage means nothing to him - might have been an idea to mention that before!
My H too now tells me he had been unhappy for a while but again didn't even try to tell me! What a coward. I had no idea I was blissfully going about my life so happy . I would even tell him almost daily how nice I felt our life was and at no point did he say he didn't agree!!
I was at the pint you are at not that long ago , I felt so weak and a complete wreck I couldn't function, think, eat, sleep, let alone read or enjoy anything. I'm not sure what shook me out of it. But sudden,y I noticed each day I was getting a little stringer. Don't get me wrong I am still hugely insecure at times and very needy but he doesn't meet those needs and looking back never has. On,y it wasn't an issue before. His selfishness (my H has been on a lads holiday to Spain since d-day!) has always been there but I knew he adored me so it was just one of those no one is perfect things. NOW however, it is totally different. Everything is in a whole new light. They think that we were happy before so everything can just go back to that! Nothing will ever be the same again. It is the sad sad reality of the situation we have had dumped on us. So then you think we why am I eve. Bothering?! Because we fight for what we believe in and we believed in that person once and because if you don't try you might spend the rest if your life wondering what might have been if it doesn't work (and I sincerely hope it does for both of us) then you can walk away knowing that you fought tooth and nail for what was important to you and he foolishly didn't grasp that second chance .
The 180 is quite a hard thing to do in one go but there might be one thing on there that you can manage that will give you a little control back. I think when you are used to bring the one in the driving seat it is even harder to get your head around the loss of control you feel now. Don't they wonder where that feisty strong woman they married has gone!
My H also told me he would have 'f-ing divorced' me if he were in my situation!! The audacity. My H spent a lot of time pushing me away it felt like he wanted me to end it.
Some times I feel now like we are in this situation where we are mates and there is this huge emotional intimacy missing but neither one of us can bear to be without the other as it is just too sad.
I'm dreading going back to work, I too was v bubbly and outgoing. I just don't know how I will concentrate!
I'm ok at home but it's difficult because he had her here a few times. He made me move out saying he needed time and space so I did thinking I was saving my marriage!! I have binned so much stuff! I asked if we could move but he won't!
I imagine your first session at the MC will be an initial assessment/ meet and greet type thing so don't expect too much from it. I really hope your H continues with it. Like I said it has been hard work to get my H to keep going back he has cancelled a few and I have been despairing ! It's the only place I feel I have a voice. The first time we want he didn't even mention he had an A!! He didn't think it was important!!!!

I'm so glad that my posts give you something. I hope they continue to.

seethelight posted 7/2/2014 09:19 AM

I'm not trying to punish him,

I just want a bit more and I feel I deserve a bit more, this morning before he left for work he was so kind and affectionate to me but then Ive got upset again after our telephone conversation.

I know that my behaviour which to some point is justified is somewhat holding us back.
Please any advice on this, im so desperate.

I am in the same place you are.

My wayward also insists I am trying to punish him, when really I am simply responding to triggers.

I really wish I wouldn't get so triggered, but there is constantly something that makes me think of his OW and him being together.

Hugs to you

misslocket posted 7/2/2014 09:25 AM

(((seethelight)))

With me its not so much triggers, it's just his blasé attitude of lets just get on with it with out doing any work, 'lets just be' is one of his favourite sayings 'give me time to breath' blah blah, its all about him.

The person I have put on a pedestal and spoken about in delight at how lucky I am is a prat, a self centred prat!!

Why do we have to suffer even more after what they have done?

seethelight posted 7/2/2014 09:54 AM

(((seethelight)))

With me its not so much triggers, it's just his blasé attitude of lets just get on with it with out doing any work, 'lets just be' is one of his favourite sayings 'give me time to breath' blah blah, its all about him.

The person I have put on a pedestal and spoken about in delight at how lucky I am is a prat, a self centred prat!!

Why do we have to suffer even more after what they have done?

Misslocket:

My husband is also always trying to set my timeline for healing. Grrrrrr!

Yes. The self pity is annoying.

I also spoke about our relationship in loving terms, even while he was in the affair, unknown to me at the time.

In retrospect, I now realize the person who asked me if my husband would ever cheat, was trying to clue me in to his cheating.

I am so ashamed that I insisted to her that he would NOT cheat.

I was so naive.

misslocket posted 7/2/2014 10:08 AM

Hi Blanket,

Ive had a text this afternoon saying..

'how you feel about us today and will be having a major discussion later?'

I cant believe the cheek of him so I just said no discussion its pointless and hes quite happy with that, so now he can go out boxing tonight without me being upset hanging over his head.
Then hes text saying hes popping to supermarket, do I want wine or chocolate, this question is a direct result of last nights conversations about making no effort, so where is the effort and surprise in asking me what I want, why not just get me a bottle of wine as a gesture. It beggars belief.

Oh ive had the whole your body's amazing crap now you have lost the weight.... what a bastard really!! Its like they are glorifying the trauma that we are going through, I sometimes feel his brain is so black and white he just has no grey area, its so frustrating.
You were just like me plodding along in your own bubble whilst your H resenting the relationship and not having the balls to say anything, which is ironic really as they cant speak to us yet they can go and have sex with someone else, thats easier than talking. I hate him so much sometimes.
I honestly dont know how you managed whilst he went on a lads holiday to spain, that is crazy to me, how unfeeling was that, was it booked before? Why didnt he put you first.
Must be so hurtful to say he didn't want to marry you, no one held a gun to his head, Im struggling now with whats happening to me but the Spain thing and being told that he didnt want to Marry you is soul destroying, I could cry for you (((hugs))).
I had the whole being pushed away scenario too and I would beg him (the humiliation) and he would be like why are you begging me when I am treating you like this.
What he has put me through has given me deep emotional scarring and he cant get why I just cant get on, then in the heat of things he says he gets it he understands, he sees it all but does jack to make it better.
I moved out too, he wasnt arsed but that was before I caught him, that was his freedom to be with the tart.
She never came in my home, I would find that hard to swallow, I look at him and see her all over him sometimes so the fact he took her in your house, your safe place is just horrendous.
I cant wear any of the jewellery he bought me or my watch, rings because everything is a reminder of my happiness before, of the person he was before, how he bought me these things with love and thought. I asked him yesterday are you not bothered I dont wear them and hes like, 'its just jewellery it doesnt matter. Another stab in heart.
After DDay and whilst on holiday in Las Vegas he said things to me that were unforgivable, it was honestly like he became Shallow Hal, he had no consideration for his words (when hes never been that way) We were in a restaurant and it was the first meal after the 21 days of no food and he said to me are you going eat that or are you just going kill yourself by not eating, his face was straight as anything, when I tell him now about it and how it affects me he cant remember, hes sorry but a lot of that time he cannot remember his words, hes shocked by them but then again, he just expects me to forget about them, and get on.
Im not expecting too much from the first session of counselling and i hope he can be open and just have a different mindset and a new perspective on things, if he attempts to not continue after this session for me that will a huge turning point because I feel this is the only thing im asking for and hes not prepared to be emotionally support me so he could at least do this for us.
I've been wishing my life away for the appointment.
I hope he'll make the commitment and show consistency in going.
Do you know reading my words to you, I cannot believe Im saying all this stuff about him, ive never said a bad word about him in our whole relationship, Ive never run him down or slagged him off as he's given me no reason and now in the space of three months hes proved himself to be not the man I fell in love with.
Thank you for your kind words, im here for you also.

misslocket posted 7/2/2014 10:12 AM

seethelight,

dont beat yourself about being naive, I didn't believe it the few people that know about happened did not believe it, my OH would have been the last person on the planet to do something like that (so I thought).

Its made me lose my perspective on the human race and I have no faith in anyone or anything, I feel I just cannot trust or give myself like before to even just my Friends.

Several people asked me if I thought he was cheating and I was like 'NO way absolutely no way, hes just depressed'

Its all very sad and made me feel like a total twat!!

confused615 posted 7/2/2014 10:22 AM

If you allow him to rugsweep, the chances of you having another dday are sky high.

He needs to learn how to respond appropriately to your pain. Being angry and defensive are by the signs of a remorseful spouse..regretful, but not remorseful.

It is him that needs to do the changing..not you. Don't hide your pain. If you don't talk about it..and get real answers...this will eat at you..it will erode your love for him. His failure to give you what you need in the aftermath of th affair will be what kills the marriage, not the affair.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:23 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

misslocket posted 7/2/2014 10:28 AM

hi confused615

He definitely answers all my questions but then I ask the same questions over and over again and for him its just going round in circles.

We dont communicate well, im hoping counselling is going to help us with this.

I realise even now I continue to defend his actions, I hate myself for it but I jsut cant stop.

Blanket posted 7/2/2014 11:03 AM

Wow you sound like you are me!
I have never ever said a bad thing about my H in 7 years , I honestly thought I was the luckiest girl in the world to have found someone that adored me like he did! But the sad fact is they are no longer the same person or at least they are in a different light now!
We separated fated we rowed for nights about a work night out which he insisted on going in, we were meant to be spending the evening together and I was so upset he wanted to go out. I now know she was the reason. He said he'd reached a breaking point and needed space to think . He started staying in hotels, it was shocking he had never so much as walked out if a room when we argued. Having gained access to his credit card statement I learned he had been staying I much posher hotels with her (he led me to believe he was staying in travel lodges!) - I felt sorry for him! One night he had, had too much to drink to drive so asked me to go to a hotel so he could think. It was the middle of the night. I couldn't believe it. This man had never so much as raised his voice to me let alone be this cruel! I didn't hear fro. Him until the next day. I had stayed in the hotel we got married in and he made a big joke about it! A few days later he went in a trip with our friends that I had planned, alone asking me to stay at my mums for a while whilst he had his space. I stayed with my mum for two months , we kept in text contact and he'd invite (to my home!!!) me over for 'sleep overs'! My god I sound like such an idiot!! During this time I gathered evidence of the affair it became more and more obvious. Then one evening he left his phone behind whilst he went for a run and there it was in black and white a text telling her how he loved her and how he'd get some nice food in for them when she was due to stay at MY HOME!!! I won't tell you what I did next but it wasn't pretty!! We talked all night that night and I moved back in immediately. He said ' you might as well I guess she (ow) won't be coming anymore!!
We had the most horrendous two weeks with him telling me he didn't love me, yes he did, no he didn't. He'd say things like if I cared I wouldn't have done it. Looking back I do not know how I survived those days with out doing one of us an injury.
Then one day he came home fro work said right I do love you let's go back to normal and that was that for him!!
It is totally frustrating now.
Your Hs text is so typical of something my H would send. Like he need s warning to brace himself for the shut down! Mine goes to the pub if there is even a hint if a difficult conversation pending! It is pathetic! I tend now to not give anything away in texts and leave it until he is well and truly in the door before I say anything and to be honest I have almost given up talking. I've actually not mentioned the A for almost two weeks - don't ask me how it is exhausting but after I asked all my questions (which I had to get him very very drunk to answer!r) I needed time to process and make informed choices.
I really hope your H sees the benefit in persevering with the MC mine is coming round slowly.
Isn't it awful how you wish your life away now. I used to love every day now I feel like I forever want today, this week, this month, this year over with. When I read people saying it can take 2 years to heal I think WHAT!? I can not go on like this for two f- ing years!!!
I feel like I gave made my H sound awful how sad that I even care. Prior to the A he was the most kind, loving, gentle , funny charming man and then it was like someone flicked a switch!
The trip to Spain was bizarrely ok, I had gotten my self in a complete state over it and was sobbing at the airport! But I found I actually had some breathing space and peace. I used this time to give my flat a different feel, I threw out everything I could - duvets, cushions (these were all new we only moved in two weeks before he started A) and gave the place a budget face lift.
How long have you been married?
I know some would say well at least he's trying with the whole wine and choc thing but I'm inclined to agree it seems such a lame gesture in response to what you actually need!
Hearing my H didn't want to get married was indeed soul destroying we had the most amazing wedding day and honeymoon and I truly though he was as happy as I was! Just gutted. And more to the point what sort of person gets married when they don't want to?!
I truly hope the appointment t goes well. And your evening is peaceful.
Take care if your self. I am thinking of you x

confused615 posted 7/2/2014 11:08 AM

Explain to him that his affair has traumatized you. You asking the same questions over and over is your brain's way of trying to process the betrayal. This is a necessary part of your healing.

Also, most likely you are asking the same questions to see if the answers change. To see if he is being honest.

His job, as a wayward husband who want to save his marriage, is to help you heal from this. He can do this by being patient, honest, consistent, and loving.

What is he doing to heal himself? Is he in IC? Is he posting here? Reading any books?

blakesteele posted 7/2/2014 11:12 AM

He definitely answers all my questions but then I ask the same questions over and over again and for him its just going round in circles.

Totally normal misslocket. Are you in IC?

It was in IC that I was diagnosed with PTSD-like symptoms....one of which is repetitively and regularly revisiting the trauma. One way in which we do that is to ask the same questions over and over and over. Another symptom is obsessive thoughts....of which I had too.

So don't let that lead you to assume you are crazy or loosing your mind.

"Adultery is crazy making shit!"--first therapist, and the one diagnosed me with PTSD-like symptoms.

On a separate topic to this post....

"Sharing YOUR story often times allows others to write THEIR story."

Take much comfort in how your struggles combined with your courage to talk about them with others is helping others write their stories.

As stories are written they are accepted and felt. Feeling is healing.....you ARE healing.

This is a tough, painful, long-term process....but it is healthy.

Keep the faith and keep reaching out.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:12 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

Blanket posted 7/3/2014 02:43 AM

I hope your evening was ok? Did you manage to maintain your plan of reducing the emotion?
Has H mentioned tonight's MC - tried to get out of it etc etc?
Be strong

misslocket posted 7/3/2014 03:04 AM

Ok so I took the advice on board and didn't cry last night, I didn't mention anything, I tried for the part to be normal, he tried to make more of an effort but to me it just doesn't feel natural, we seem so forced.
He went out to boxing for an hour and a half I had my tea, a glass of wine, soaked in the bath, did something for me, last night at least for the first time I felt a tiny bit of being in control of myself.
When he came home I didn't act needy, he kept asking if I was ok, he cuddled me, kissed me, asked if I wanted to lie on his chest whilst we watched TV but then it just all feels so awkward to me, is this normal? Everything feels just not right our 'relationship' feels forced.
This morning he text me from work saying he feels sad that its come to us going to counselling and its like we are doing the last thing possible now and its weird to have to talk to someone else about us but he's positive about it which is a relief and hes promised me that he will be open, I think he's worried that hes going to be attacked but Ive tried to tell him its not about that, its about the big picture not just the A.
Is it normal to feel like absolute strangers after something like this, can you get back to a good place? A telephone conversation where we would run out of time talking whilst he was on his break is strained now for the 10 minutes I talk to him.
How can you go from being the centre to of someone's world to this, I just cant believe it.
Ive told him today I feel pretty numb and I do. I slept terribly last night wondering how we had got here, (he slept like a baby).
I just want to feel good about us again, I want the security of before.
Blanket, luckily I never had to endure things like hotels and credit card statements I caught him pretty quickly but some of the things he did were out of character, he was out the house every night with her, she still lived with her parents, Im cringing typing this but it gave her great pleasure in telling me that she had stolen a tent from sports direct and that's the first time they had sex in a fu**ing tent. She planned it all she said there was no talk between the two of them about having sex, he's not forward like that but she stole her tent, packed condoms (that she didn't use) tissues and a duvet and she climbed on top of him in the tent. I mean how disgusting is that, that is what he stooped to! Hes so ashamed of this I cant talk to him about it, she planned it all, I know that because she told me and took great delight in doing so.
A TENT!!!!!! A STOLEN TENT!! WTF.
I feel a bit like you today I am sick of talking about it, its getting me no where, I just hate the feeling of constantly being on edge when we are together. I just don't believe there is sincerity when he kisses me or offers to hold me.
In las vegas, he used me, holiday sleepovers even though I had just caught him, I was desperate for anything from him though so I just kept sleeping with him.
The evening I caught him (day before holiday) he came home slept with me and blatantly told me he was going back out to say goodbye to her and he would meet me in town to get our currency, what a knob I am for putting up with that, then let him use me whilst on holiday, whilst he was using his twitter account to still be in contact with her after I had blown every penny we had for this holiday.
I so wish I could just push my life forward a year just to see where I am because the turmoil of each day is just unbearable at the moment, like you its like a switch was flipped one day it was normal and the next He was gone, we were gone, everything ive known has gone.
When I see the recovery times on here I just think I cant do it, ive said to OH it would be easier to walk away and start again than try and get through this but Im the mug who is not prepared to throw us away.
What can I expect from counselling, im just so worried there is so much to say I wont be able to say it all and I dont want him to feel like I am attacking him, what does the counsellor do, how do they work, im apprehensive about how things are going to go.
Do you really find it beneficial does it really make an impact because right now our relationship is on 0 so we are starting at the bottom, I dont want to live my life without him, even though hes been a total arse, I want to and for him to give us the best shot possible.
Hope today is a brighter day...wishing the hours away until our first counselling session.