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Weird Question

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finallymefirst posted 7/2/2014 07:13 AM

I think I may have turned a corner. A couple of days ago I had a conversation with a coworker about her relationship with her boyfriend and during that conversation she mentioned how she was still in the process of getting divorced. She told me that she was married for 10 years with a 7 year old daughter and that her stbx cheated. She said that that she was so happy with her SO that she is "thankful" that her stbx cheated.

I told her that at times I am grateful that I'm not married to the ex, but I haven't gotten to thankful that he cheated

Anyhoo.... whenever I have fantasized about having a SO in my life, it seems that the fantasy always included me rubbing my new guy in ex's face. I never fantasized about being in love again, having great sex or having a companion. It was always in relation to showing my ex that he is not the only one who could find love and move on.

After the conversation with the coworker and reading the Menz thread in general and then reading a Robin Wright article where she talks about how happy she is with her new guy and how she believes she stayed married too long to Sean Penn, I think that I have finally turned a corner. I want to experience love and companionship again. I want great sex, I want orgasms because I deserve those things and not because I'm in some weird competition in my head with the ex.

Has anyone experienced the phenomenon where the only reason you were considering dating was to show the world and your ex that you are not some divorced, unlovable person that no one wants??

I didn't realize that was my motivation until a few days ago. Now I want a good life for me. Not to prove anything to anyone. Am I alone in this thought process or is this part of the infidelity spectrum of healing??

EvenKeel posted 7/2/2014 07:20 AM

People date for all sorts of reasons....some healthy, some not-so.

I think it is key that you are realizing the place you were and the place you are now. Keep in mind, this will evolve more. Where I was one year ago was different year #2, year #3, etc. AND I am still learning!

As you are alluding too, no one but you can really make you happy so dating someone just to impress (or noserub) someone else will make you miserable.

Sad in AZ posted 7/2/2014 10:57 AM

That was exactly in the back of my mind when I tried OLD the first time--I so wanted to rub it in his face. Now, meh. I don't care what he thinks. I do think he'll freak out if I find someone; I just hope he keeps his freak out to himself. I don't want or need his drama any longer.

libertyrocks posted 7/2/2014 15:26 PM

I guess a little at first, to prove we are loveable and attractive again. But now, I could give a flying f*ck what STBXH thinks or says. It's all about me rediscovering myself, my interests and satisfying my need for male discovery. On in intellectual level that is. yeah right. lol. I mean, both you know, he's (whomever "he" may be for me) has got to be the complete package...

osxgirl posted 7/3/2014 12:19 PM

Yep - I think this is a totally common and normal response. I started dating a little too early for me. Once I realized that I needed to wait until I healed some more, the way I was able to tell when I was ready to date again was by being completely honest with myself about WHY I wanted to date.

Once the answer was no longer, "Because I'll show him" and I was no longer wanting to prove that I could find someone, that my X was wrong for doing the things he did to me, then I allowed myself to think about dating again.

And before I ever started dating, I got to the point where I was actually glad he cheated. I've never been glad I had to go through all of that, but if he hadn't cheated, I may never have stood up for myself and said I'd had enough. In general, I don't believe in D unless there is adultery or abuse. His cheating was what it took for me to even think about D. It wasn't until later that I acknowledged there had been a whole lot of mental/emotional abuse as well.

So, I actually am kind of glad he cheated. (Of course, that doesn't excuse the cheating!)

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