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Took off my ring

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DrJekyll posted 7/2/2014 08:49 AM

A few months back my BS told me she took off her rings. And that when she did, she realized that she was no longer attached to them. And that was a stark reminder that her dreams were gone. And our marriage was dead. I didn't quite understand this. I understood that that they are just pieces of gold. And how could there be so much feeling attached.

Last night for only the 3rd time is almost 14 years, I took mine off. And wow the swirl of emotions. Was I giving up on the marriage? Is this a step toward D? I felt vulnerable, weak, like I was quitting, and unsecure.

Wow what projection! Now that things have settled in me overnight.
The rings is not a shield. The ring is not security. The ring is not what makes me married. The ring is just a piece of gold. A symbol. That's it. What a weird feeling. I strayed wearing the ring, it didn't stop anything. It is not a magical amulet. It possesses no power. All of those things have to come from within.

I will be my shield. I will be my security. I am married ring or no ring. It is my choices and my actions that make me what I am, not a piece of gold.

tired girl posted 7/2/2014 09:00 AM

Did you put the ring back on?

DrJekyll posted 7/2/2014 09:02 AM

No, not at this time.

I am trying to feel more of the loss. Get a better understanding. Look at the consequences of my actions.

ETA: Funny thing, I had gained and lost a lot of weight during our marriage. and under where my ring was, is a band of scar tissue. It seems quite fitting at this point.

[This message edited by DrJekyll at 9:12 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

tired girl posted 7/2/2014 09:15 AM

You may want to talk to your BS about how she feels about it. Had my H taken his off after my DD, I would have been seriously pissed. I think it is one thing for the BS to do it. It is often another for the WS to do it. Others may weigh in here and say something different. Hopefully some BS's will weigh in and tell you how they would feel. I am just saying how I would have felt.

DrJekyll posted 7/2/2014 09:17 AM

she had took hers off first, and we had discussed it. She told me that it is my choice. She doesn't care either way. And the only reason she wears hers is to not get asked questions. Not something I would ever consider without her opinion.

PenitentMan posted 7/2/2014 09:20 AM

Ring or no ring, it doesn't matter.

On, it reminds you. You strayed while wearing it; what it's supposed to symbolize; how it didn't stop anything.

Off, it reminds you. You no longer wear it. You have a scar, a mark, you know it used to be there. How you used to wear it. How when you did, it didn't stop anything.

I prefer mine on. It feels heavier there and I'm more aware of it. And if it's a symbol to my BW who can see I'm still wearing it then fine; she can know that I consider us not over until it's over.

If and when we're divorced, I'll take it off. Or, if she ever asks me to, or whatever. Like you said. Just a piece of gold. :)

outtanowhere posted 7/2/2014 09:21 AM

I took mine off 2 days after dday. The things you say are very true including that the rings are just metal. They could have been made of plastic but, they are symbolic to the outside world that we have made vows to our special someone. Promises that we would love, honor, cherish and keep ourselves only unto that one person. Everybody knows what that band on the ring finger of the left hand means.

My H never took his off either and, it makes me so sad that even with that very visual piece of jewelry he found so many partners that had no problem helping him destroy not only his life but, mine as well. I still don't wear mine as I know now that he didn't mean a word of what he said the day we married.

You are right. That ring doesn't make you married or not. What make you married is knowing in your heart that the one you chose is worth keeping the promises you freely made to them. You are worth keeping promises you make to yourself. I believe that going thru life with that one special person who makes us feel so special just makes the journey sweeter. That ring should be a visual reminder to yourself of those promises you made and, a signal to others that you are spoken for.

Teach8 posted 7/2/2014 09:22 AM

I think TG is right. Please talk to your BS about the ring. I certainly understand what you're saying...the ring isn't the marriage...but the message your BS receives by taking it off, may not be the one you are intending to send. She may take it as a sign that you are giving up or that they don't hold meaning for you. And you are right, our rings are just symbols, but symbols can be very powerful.

BrokenButTrying posted 7/2/2014 09:42 AM

I agree with the others, please talk to your BS about this. The message it sends out may be very different from the one you intended.

DrJekyll posted 7/2/2014 09:48 AM

Teach I would have never done this without discussion with my BS. It actually pains me to not wear it. We talk about how it feels. I do not feel like I am giving up. Just sitting here feeling the loss. One thing my BS says to me, I have a hard time feeling the loss until it is there staring me in the face. So I guess I am staring at my hand feeling the loss. The loss of trust, the loss or the marriage, the failure I have become. feeling the emotion and pain of it.

[This message edited by DrJekyll at 9:49 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

Wayflost posted 7/2/2014 09:49 AM

When my BH and I got married it gave me a thrill to see the ring on his hand. The few photos I have of him wearing it still give me that joyful feeling in the pit of my stomach. But on Dday he took it off. As outtanowhere said to him it is a symbol of my empty promises. He has said he will never again put on a ring from me.

I wear a ring, but not the ring my husband picked for me because that caused him too much pain. I bought a simple, and inexpensive, titanium band with a black center. A black band is traditionally a symbol of mourning. So for me, the new ring symbolizes the loss of potential for the marriage we once had, and it shows the world that I am still married.

Sometimes I think about getting "Taken" tattooed on my forehead. However it would be self limiting (job wise) so I think I'll skip it. And you are right DrJekyll I have to be the shield. I have to stand up for what it means.

It's a journey.

ImSorry11 posted 7/2/2014 10:03 AM

My BH doesn't want people to ask questions so he's asked me to continue to wear mine. He told me he hates that I get to wear them. If he had it his way they would have gone in the trash. He took his off for several days after DDay but put it back on when we decided to R. He told me he'd eventually like to get me a new set which I don't deserve.

How symbolic of that scar tissue to be where it is. I admire your thought process. I love my rings but they're a constant bitter reminder of the vows I broke.

Teach8 posted 7/2/2014 10:23 AM

I'm glad you spoke to her about it. I think we cross posted when you explained that you had. As long as your BS is comfortable and you feel like this is helping you in your journey, that is all that matters.

I will say that symbols are representation of feelings, ideas and thoughts. I took my rings off as well after dday. I felt they were a symbol of something that wasn't true. My taking them off was a way of communicating that, at that moment, my H had broken our vows and they no longer represented the things they did before dday.

When my H asked about his ring...I kind of said the same what you want. It was his choice to wear it or not, but honestly, I'm glad he chose to wear it. Again, none of that matters as long as you and your BS are on the same page. And it sounds like you are really making good progress.

TrulySad posted 7/2/2014 10:28 AM

I went through a range of emotions regarding my WH (now an ex) wearing his ring. After DD, I would have seen his removing his ring as a symbol of him discarding his marriage. He had already thrown away the vows... if he wanted to prove to me anything, it meant keeping that ring on and building it back up.

I removed my rings because for me they symbolized promises made to me by him. When he broke those promises, he essentially broke the circle ( the ring). I needed a new and stronger one. One that was true and untainted.

I can honestly tell you I yelled at him to take his rings off. I told him he didn't deserve to wear them. It was almost like I wanted him to rip the last symbol of life for our marriage up. I just wanted him to finish it off. Maybe it would have made it easier for me to leave him if he had removed them.

But he didn't. And deep down, I was relieved for that. By him keeping them on, it gave me a sliver of hope that he was still holding on to me. That no matter what I said to him, no matter what some OW did with him, he couldn't finish us off so simply.

In the end, we didn't make it. It worked out for the best though. But I think what people here are trying to say is while your reasons are understandable and make so much sense...sometimes the betrayed will interpret them however they need to, to survive and move forward. And sometimes us betrayed need to see our wayward go to extremes and stay strong and true to something we want to throw away.

Now is the time for you to be strong...

I wish you both hope...

BrokenheartedWif posted 7/2/2014 10:58 AM

It's good you asked. Different BS will feel differently. I haven't worn my engagement or wedding ring since I discovered his Adultery. They represented broken promises and vows. He wanted to wear his, but I asked him not to. They had attended each others weddings, we were supposedly all friends; so he couldn't remember if he had it off every time he was with her over the 16 plus years of their adultery. I told him I didn't want him wearing my ring, when he had had it all over and in her body and tarnished it.

Alonelyagain posted 7/2/2014 12:10 PM

WW took off her rings first, and then I took off mine. Time goes by and one night she is hysterical. It turns out that the kids' nanny stole her rings, as well as mine. The nanny, who my WW hired, had been in jail previously for a year for embezzlement unbeknownst to me. Even though WW's engagement ring was expensive, I had no response whatsoever, to my WW's surprise and annoyance. To me, after paying for the engagement ring, the value that I placed on the ring was equal to the value that I placed on our M. Since WW rendered our M valueless, I placed no value on that ring and its theft did not bother me in the least bit. WW was a bit taken aback when I recently told her just that, in response to her telling me that she thought that her engagement ring was beautiful and would look at it every morning in her jewelry box.

womaninflux posted 7/2/2014 16:51 PM

Take your time figuring out the ring thing. I took my rings off the day I went to see a lawyer for the first time. I believe that was about 10 days after I discovered the affair. I was riding the public transit in my large city and did not want to risk theft or robbery. At any rate, I did not put them back on for almost 9 months. They sat in a safe.

I'll never forget what my WH said when he noticed I wasn't wearing the rings. "You aren't going to wear that beautiful ring I bought you?" Mind you, he was still in contact with the AP of the LTA. I later found out that during this time period, she had suggested they "take a break." This was after she berated him for telling me everything. She was, you know, worried about her reputation. Laughable.

Another laughable thing about the rings in my situation is that since my WH's A was discovered, he has not taken off his ring. He lost and found and had to replace several rings during this 2.5 year A.You see, his AP did not want him to wear his wedding ring in front of her because she said it was disrespectful to her. LOL.

stupidgurl posted 7/2/2014 21:29 PM

I think you should put it back on.

It feels impulsive of you to have taken them off just because she did. And lack of impulse control is what got you in this whole mess in the first place.

It could be a test, or a punishment, or both. But wouldn't it be great for a change not to fail on her. Didn't you fail bad enough already. Just choose to be all in on the marriage, the rings, the cheesy love notes, the yummy dinners, affection. They won't work right away, but over time she will see you working on the marriage. Do not fail again, no matter what tests you get.

My H took his off for 2 years after my PA, he was hurt and felt like punishing me and it did hurt me but I kept mine on. You could not help but read, super married in everything I did. He has them back on so now we both wear them and we make jokes like they have special powers that keep us together, just the other night, I was talking about how I was never leaving and he said you can't because then he would put his ring against mine and they would lock together and I would be finger handcuffed to him. You had to be there to appreciate the joke, trust me it was funny. WE were laughing anyways, and it was nice to laugh together after all we've put each other through

redsox13 posted 7/2/2014 22:05 PM

My fww does not wear her ring - it doesn't fit. It bothers me she does not, and it bothers me she doesn't think it is important enough to get enlarged.

I wouldn't take the ring off without asking the BS. And I am pretty sure I would never ask the BS - it reaks of giving up.

identitylost posted 7/2/2014 22:13 PM

Another BS who thinks you should put it back on. I never put mine back on after dday, but the handful of times while we were trying to reconcile that he took his off it really got to me and made me question his commitment to trying to reconcile.

Even if she says it's okay for you not to wear it, I would personally feel like it speaks louder and symbolizes more to keep it on.

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