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needhelp19 posted 7/2/2014 09:00 AM

Ok, so my husband hasn't cheated, but he's done something that is very disturbing to me and I don't know what to do. One of my best friends is a fitness competitor (bikini) and she is constantly blowing up facebook with half naked pics of herself. We've been friends for years and are very close and made plans to go out to lunch this weekend. I noticed my husband has been talking about her quite a bit (are you guys still meeting for lunch this weekend? oh is she stopping by the house? kind of stuff). So I decided to check his facebook history cause I had this weird gut feeling. Come to find out he's been searching three girls pretty much daily for months- one of them being my friend. So obviously he is looking at her facebook and checking out the pics of her a**, etc. that she posts on there all the time. I feel like throwing up. Now I know why he's been talking about her so much. This feels worse than him looking at porn because she is my friend. She went to our wedding. This is painful because while it is not cheating, to know that he's sitting there oogling one of my closest friends makes me physically ill. I don't even want to know what he's doing while looking at her pics. I should note she NEVER posts statuses or discussions, it's nothing but pics of her doing sexy poses in a bikini. So he can't be looking at it for "reading material." I don't know if I should confront him and be like WTF or ignore it or what. The other two girls he searches aren't friends with him on facebook and I have no idea who they are, but I think he may have dated them in the past. The frequency that he searches them and the length of time is super disturbing to me (every day and I looked at the history for three months before I couldn't take anymore and logged out). What would you guys do?

needhelp19 posted 7/2/2014 09:06 AM

I should add he has also been searching an ex, although not very frequently. He seems to search my friend the most. We've been married two years.

ShiningAutumn8 posted 7/2/2014 09:19 AM

You could suggest both of you deactivating Facebbok. You could block her from his facebook. You couldask him if he has a crush on your friend, see what he says, then tell him you saw he's been searching her everyday. If he gets defensive or mad, thats not a good sign whereas if he's apologetic and truthful that is a good sign.

Overall, while this would hurt my feelings I dont consider it horrible neccesarily, assuming hes never had any issues with cheating before (has he?) and the relationship is a good one you two.have.

It could be totally innocent - he's just looking.cuz its there and men like to look. It really depends to me on the state of your relationship, whether this would be acceptable or ot.

needhelp19 posted 7/2/2014 09:32 AM

Thank you for your response. He's never cheated and I don't think he would, but I do think certain things are off limits, like fantasizing about one's friend. It really creeps me out and I definitely don't find daily viewing acceptable. I mean, how embarrassing, I could never be around the two of them together knowing this now.

needhelp19 posted 7/2/2014 09:48 AM

I decided to go back and look at the actual times- he is searching her while he is at work and multiple times a day. Sometimes every hour, for three or four hours in a row. What the actual f. Am I being crazy??? This can't be normal, right?? Why is he searching her while he is at work?

JanaGreen posted 7/2/2014 09:52 AM

This would be extremely upsetting to me. I'm very sorry.

Do you think he might be contacting her (or one of the other girls he's searching) through another means?

needhelp19 posted 7/2/2014 09:59 AM

I don't think so- I never check his phone or email. I usually don't check his facebook, like I said I got this gut feeling so I looked. Now I don't know what to think. She would definitely tell me if he was contacting her. I think he's just basically online stalking her photos, which still is not okay with me. He's soooooo busy at work yet he's checking her out on his lunch break, in the am and afternoon. How freaking creepy! I'm so disgusted.

ETA: He was searching her multiple times the day before and days after our wedding anniversary. At least he was kind enough to not be checking out my friend on our freaking anniversary. Pig.

[This message edited by needhelp19 at 10:01 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

Climbtheladder posted 7/2/2014 10:07 AM

What bothers me about what you have said is that he feels the need to view these three women. That tells me he is dissatisfied with some part of your marriage relationship. Why else would he be viewing other women on the hour? My WH did have an affair. It started out on a dating website designed for married people to seek out affairs. Much of their communication was through FB. I had no idea he was communicating with her or the several other women he had found through these trash sites. This is your RED FLAG! Now is the time to communicate with your husband, to get him to open up about what's going on inside of him. After DDay my husband confessed to me that he sought out other women because he thought our marriage was dead and he "disconnected" from me. I had no idea this was going on and I'm not saying that is what's going on in your husband's heart. But now is the time to communicate, to be totally real, to confront these emotions. I do not think this will go away if you guys do not address it openly and honestly. And, just a little advice, don't shut him down if he starts talking about his attraction toward other women. Be open, let him spill his guts. If my husband and I had only felt the freedom to openly communicate our feelings a year and a half a go, I wouldn't be sitting here with a shattered heart. I will be praying for you.
About Me:
BS (Me)-40
WH-42
4 Kids (18, 15, 12, 7)
Married 19 years
Recovering

needhelp19 posted 7/2/2014 10:20 AM

He's been studying for a work certification and he's been really busy at work so there's been a huge disconnect. I've complained about it a few times. He comes home and he's studying from the time he gets home from work until 10pm. Studies all weekend, too. What kills me is he is searching her on FB while he is studying and I'm in the other room. I'm absolutely gutted right now. I'm definitely going to say something to him. I just don't know how I can get past this. It's not cheating, but I feel this is a huge violation of my trust and I don't know how I will look at him the same again, let alone be able to have my friend around without wondering if he's fantasizing about her.

MindMonkey posted 7/2/2014 10:34 AM

I can imagine the "gross factor" after seeing his search history.

I found out that FWW was searching OM#2 on FB months before they even started communicating. All he even posted was a 15 year old picture of himself, I don't know what she was even getting out of it but she was looking at it all the time. She also looked at several other male FB pages ALL the TIME. So in hindsight, if I had the information you have I would have done things differently.

I would have strait up said "you know I can see all your FB searches and I'm a little bothered about what I saw, please explain". Then I would have waited to see where she went with it.

I can't say that your H doing this is incredibly unusual. IMO it's like when they have a famous person on the cover of Playboy and sales skyrocket. This person is generally less attractive than the standard nude model but men feel like they KNOW her so it's more appealing. I feel it's probably a bit unusual how much he does it.

There are some red flags for Sexual Addiction. It doesn't always manifest itself in porn and promiscuity. Sometimes it looks like, well, what you are seeing. After you confront him you may want to look for other signs and/or get him into IC. I suggest IC since he will not likely tell you the truth concerning what he does while looking at the pictures.

TrulySad posted 7/2/2014 10:41 AM

I'm so sorry... I know what this feels like, and yes it IS a betrayal. He's obsessing, at the very least, over other women. His thoughts and desires should only be for you.

First, you really do need to check out his phone records. The women he's obsessing over may have no involvement, but don't assume anything until you know for sure.

I am dealing with something similar, and I wish I could give you some good advice. Unfortunately, he's made it so that you will never want those women to be around him again. And at the same time, you'll be afraid to even mention them for fear of him thinking of them at the very mention of their name.

I agree that he needs to be confronted. No more facebook also. But sadly, he will do whatever he wants to on his computer at work.

Please don't think you're over reacting, or downplay how you're feeling. This is sad, and changes so many things for you...

Take care, and keep posting

needhelp19 posted 7/2/2014 10:43 AM

Thank you so much for all your input- it's really helpful to have some feedback especially since I feel like I can't talk to any of my friends or family in real life about this.

MindMonkey- that's what's odd about the other two facebook girls, he's not friends with them so he can't see what they post just a few pictures so it's weird that he is checking them every few days, as well. What is he getting out of it?

Anyway, I will definitely be confronting him about it when he gets home from work. Obviously he is doing this for a reason and I need to get to the bottom of it. Never would have thought I would be dealing with something like this so early on in our marriage. So disappointing.

needhelp19 posted 7/2/2014 10:46 AM

Truly Sad- thank you for your input. I think that is what is so upsetting to me about this, this isn't some stranger, this is my best friend. Now I don't even want to see her this weekend. How am I ever supposed to feel okay with having her around? I feel like I'm going to be forced to choose between staying her friend or not speaking to her anymore due to my husband's lack of self-control.

As a side note, he's not doing this on his work computer, he has a tablet that he brings with him to work. And everywhere else for that matter, including the bathroom. Ugh I am so disgusted.

heme posted 7/2/2014 10:47 AM

To me this would be a huge red flag..
Just because you think he would never have an affair doesn't mean he wouldn't. The day prior to DDay #1 my friend and I were talking and I told her I don't care if someone showed me a naked picture of my husband with another woman I know there is another reason for it. I had so much faith in our relationship. 2 DDays later and I can tell you anyone can cheat. Not saying he is RIGHT NOW, Im saying the potential is there.

simplydevastated posted 7/2/2014 10:47 AM

First I want to say that I'm sorry you find yourself here, but know that you are in the right place.

You say he has never cheated before, and for your sake, I hope this is true. I do want to point out that there are many different levels or "degrees" of infidelity. Some people only think that a physical affair is cheating so "just talking to a friend" is fine. The "just talking" can be an emotional affair. Also, some people very sexting as harmless fun...no big deal. However, it's cheating. In out digital age there are many different kinds of infidelity.

That being said, if I found what you found, I would go into "cloak and dagger" mode and search everything - phone, email, computer, tablet, any and all devices he has. I do this so I could get a complete picture of what is going on so I don't go all "WTF!!" on him. Again, this is just what I would do. Then once I have all the evidence I would only confront with a portion of it and then he would need to tell you the rest.

Regarding deactivating a FB account. I don't think it would matter. I don't have FB and I can look at anyone's page if it's public. So if her's is public it won't matter.

Sending you strength and (((hugs)). I hope for your sake that he's just looking at her pics and there is nothing else going on.

confused615 posted 7/2/2014 10:49 AM

There are a lot of red flags here.

I wouldn't confront yet. If you do, he will get defensive and tell you it's nothing, just curiosity,etc. He will.make you feel silly.

I think you need to check those phone records. Check his calls and texts. Look around on his phone. Any weird apps? Texts?

If you confront now, and he is cheating, then he will just take it further underground.

You said she is a friend. There are many betrayed wives here who found out their best friend was having an affair with their husband.

The two other women he look up on a regular basis could be coworkers.

I'm sorry.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:50 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

Razor posted 7/2/2014 10:50 AM

How would you feel about asking your friend to block your husband from seeing her FB page?

KatieG posted 7/2/2014 10:59 AM

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is a shock to find this stuff.

I would be concerned about this because its in secret and with her being your friend, he might have mentioned it to you. So I would think he is having thoughts about her. With the other 2, if they are exes, that would be a red flag to me.

I found searches from my WBF's FB for the OW and for ex girlfriends. He said he was curious to see what they look like and that's OK, but there may be something else going on.

I think its a good suggestion to ask your friend about her privacy settings but she may like the attention she gets. Can you start a conversation about your friend with him to see how he reacts?

needhelp19 posted 7/2/2014 11:11 AM

I think with his phone and email he would delete stuff so I couldn't find it. I don't have his phone account or email passwords. He knows that I'm good at snooping because in a past relationship I was cheated on and I snooped through all of his stuff and that's how I found out and I told my husband about all the snooping I did in that relationship. He doesn't know you can see someone's search activity on FB though, so I'm sure that's why that activity hasn't been deleted. The tablet would be interesting to search through because he brings it with him everywhere. I don't know when I would even be able to access it. He takes it with him in the bathroom, it's with him all day at work, and when he's at home it's always by his side. I suppose I could ask him to let me see it and see what his reaction would be.

As for asking her to block him, I think what I will do is delete her from his friends list and see if he says something to me. It's way too embarrassing to tell my friend that my husband apparently has the hots for her. He's actually brought her up a few times this week without me initiating conversation and I found it odd and changed the subject immediately. That's what lead to me checking his FB searches.

I guess what I will do is keep trying to dig and see what else I can find before confronting. That will give me some time to get my emotions in check, too. Thank God for this site, and thank you all for your helpful replies. It's so sickening to find out how people can't just love the ones they are with. Why be married if you are so wrapped up in other people???

confused615 posted 7/2/2014 11:16 AM

You don't have his passwords...and he takes his tablet everywhere?

Huge waving red flags.

Why don't you have his passwords?

It really doesn't matter that he knows you're good at snooping. Most cheating spouse's are so arrogant they think they want get caught.

And..that you don't have those passwords...I'm sure He thinks he won't get caught.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:17 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]