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Please help me. I need advice, I'm so heartbroken.

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BeanTownMama posted 7/2/2014 09:24 AM

My mind is blown but I guess I could say I'm not that surprised. Things were too good to be true. I recently found out that my husband had downloaded a bunch of dating apps on his phone, secret texting & video apps. I found this out because I saw that he was texting some girl. And of course I called her and asked her everything. Because when I confronted him, he said he doesn't know and deleted it. I'm smarter then him though and saved her number before I even mentioned it to him. So my convo with her lead me to look at his apps that he's downloaded and deleted. My heart dropped. What's worse is I found out after I had the baby & this was going on while I was 7-9 months pregnant. I was working full time until 10:30 at night busting my ass. I'm PISSED. and what's even worse is he is denying EVERYTHING. He is saying it was his friend. Really? You let your friend use your phone# to txt another woman, use your picture to meet her, and your phone to exchange pictures on a picture sharing app? I'm so STUPID because about 6 months ago I found out he was texting some girl while I was in school. He denied everything, so of course I called her. - I would like to say I understand 100% this isn't the other woman's fault it's his. And I made that very clear when I've called. I simply just DONT like being played & lied to especially when I'm PREGNANT and living 18 hours from all of my friends & family. - anyways. She told me they were planning to meet up, but she was confused when I told her his name. She was told a different name. So I let this situation go. I stupidly believed that it was his friend. But I told him NEVER EVER do that again. Never let your friend flirt and hit on some girl using your phone. You're MARRIED. He was to look for someone he can use his own phone that he pays for, NOT yours.

So that is why him telling me that all this was is friend just doesn't go over with me. I know he is lying. I am not stupid. How the fuck could he do this to me? Especially while pregnant. And he won't talk about it with me. He gets defensive and says how about I do this to you & dig up dirt on you. So basically he's acting guilty & suspicious. He told me we could go to counseling. That was horrible, the guy legit talked about himself the whole entire time. I canceled our 2nd appointment & am looking for another. I've tried to forgive him and move on, but I am so angry. I just need him to be honest. But that will never happen .... Advice? Please :(

A little background..

My husband and I have been married just over a year, and have a beautiful little girl who is almost 3 weeks old. We have gone through a lot in this short time, including his deployment, which brought him home early due to medical reasons. That was very hard on us. He was recovering and dealing with PTSD, we were in a little funk getting readjusted, I had to pack up and quit my job, find an apartment and get everything ready and move it all by myself in 2 weeks 18 hours from home. It was very difficult. Soon after he got back I became pregnant. And the pregnancy was hard on us, a few scares for sure.

[This message edited by BeanTownMama at 9:28 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

Tigaress posted 7/2/2014 09:38 AM

Hey! I'm sending you a big hug, so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm also new to this site so I probably don't have the best advice but I was wondering if you could just pack up your baby and go stay with family or friends for a while? This sounds to me that your husband is going through something - PTSD is quite serious and won't just 'heal' easily - and you're in a very vulnerable position with the little one. And I understand that you're a superwoman after all you've done without any help. But the weeks after delivery are so extremely stressful, you just need some support and harmony around you. Also, I think a situation of betrayal can be sorted out much better when the couple is not living together. I think it provides some more sense of urgency and motivation? Wishing you all the best for you and baby!!

Climbtheladder posted 7/2/2014 09:48 AM

Sweetie, I am so sorry for what you are going through. My WH too found his women through trashing dating websites and sites designed for married people to find affairs. You have to trust your intuition here and not try to make excuses. After reading your post, it is absolutely clear to me that you WH is feeding you a load of crap, that he is more than likely continuing this behavior, and has probably already had contact with several women. This was the pattern with my husband. These online relationships are like crack to a drug addict. They just can't get enough. And eventually, they turn into face to face meetings. The fact that he is accusing you and throwing things back into your face proves his guilt. He is totally unrepentant. My advice to you is that you gain full access to his phone, email accounts, computer passwords, etc. There is a program called covenant eyes that you can have installed on all of his devices that will alert you if he gets on dating websites or seeks out porn. It does have a monthly fee, but it's minimal and so worth it. Of course, you'll have to get him to agree to it, which will show you how committed his is to saving your marriage. My heart breaks for you, especially knowing you have a baby so young. Be strong for her. You have worth and do not deserve to be treated this way. I'll be praying for you.
About me:
BS (Me)-40
WH (Husband)-42
4 Kids (18, 15, 12, 7)
DDay--May 15, 2014
Married 19 years

BeanTownMama posted 7/2/2014 09:50 AM

I wish I could just pack up and leave, but we are military and I am 18 hours from all my friends and family. He is getting out of the army in a month & we are moving back to where we are from. Once we move it will be much easier for me to just walk away. My mom is coming down to visit this weekend and I am so excited to see her. And I agree he is going through a lot with his PTSD. He has been going to counseling since the week he got back. He was going everyday but now that it has gotten a little better & he is on medication he only goes once a week.

Why is this happening to me ?

BeanTownMama posted 7/2/2014 09:53 AM

Climbthelatter - thank you for your words. Yes he is giving me a load of crap, I'm not stupid and he thinks I am. I'm 100% going to tell him about that app. I have his password to his email & Facebook. But I think he has a secret email. Men can be pigs.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 7/2/2014 10:16 AM

Welcome BeanTownMama. So sorry you're here, but glad you found us.

Take some time and read the Healing Library in the yellow box (upper left corner). There's a lot of information to take in, esp being a new mama!

I think you're in a tough spot, and it sucks, when he won't tell you anything and denies everything. Read up about the 180- it is important for you to protect yourself and your little right now. Therapy is great- if he's willing to be open and honest, if not, then quite honestly it's a waste of money. It may also be worth it to talk to a lawyer- find out your rights just in case.

Love your squish and take care of yourself.

Tigaress posted 7/2/2014 10:18 AM

I'm so glad your mother is coming! My mother is also here (I found out last Sunday that my dear husband was a lying cheater) and she's helping with baby etc. Good that you're going to get help.
Your husband has a serious mental health issue that he has to work through. He might try to run away from it and just run after girls like when he was younger. He probably does not even realize that he's going to lose you and his daughter if he doesn't get his act together.
Do you know his therapist? Can you talk to him? Maybe you guys could have a session as a couple or the guy can refer you to somebody else? From the little bit you wrote I think that your husband is currently in such an amount of problems (and you have a newborn) that it is impossible for you to be the person who manages all this.
Wishing you lots of strength!!!

BeanTownMama posted 7/2/2014 12:05 PM

Thank you guys... I'm glad I found this site. And I'm sorry that you all are going through this as well.

And sadly your right.. Counseling will be no good if he won't be open and honest..

ErinHa posted 7/2/2014 17:31 PM

I am so glad you are getting back home soon, maybe even a chance to find different places to live for a while?

Sadly a lot of men cheat while their wives are pregnant, despicable but true, I am so sorry this is happening when you have your beautiful baby to take care of and love.

I would require HE go to individual counseling before you consider really giving this a chance. You can take a break (live in separate homes) and see if you want to R. Being around your friends and family will help too.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, especially at this joyful time in your life. Talk about PTSD, YOU will have it from his actions during this time in your life.

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