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OW still stalking and emailing

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seethelight posted 7/2/2014 10:09 AM

I received an email this morning from a friend of the OW.

We have been receiving calls and emails sporadically for two years, now, from different friends of the OW.

In the emails, the OW's is insisting my husband said he was in love with the OW and planned to run off with her.

She says he is still planning to do that, and I am a fool to believe that he is staying for love rather than because it's "cheaper to keep her".

These friends of the OW, advise me to let him go, so the OW can have him and he can be happy.

I did see emails and texts and videos she sent, none of his responses to her stated this.

In fact in the emails and texts, she was the aggressor.

My husband tried to back off several times, but she persisted and amped up the sex talk and sending pornographic type videos and photos of herself to him.

I saw in emails in which my wayward asked the OW if she realized he was only looking for an affair and he told her definitively that he never wants to leave his wife and family.

So, I think her emails state Lies, but I just don't know for sure. Maybe he did tell her these things, but not in emails.

Also, I have followed my attorneys advice to ignore these emails. This does seem to work the best each time she sends her sporadic spate of nasty emails.

But does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this type of assault from the OW from an emotional perspective?

It's very draining. It has been going on for two years.

The emails are sent from anonymous providers, so they can not be traced back to a specific friend of hers.

Thus no legal action can be taken, at this time.

Also I know he is definitely not still contacting her and seeing her.

hummingbird8 posted 7/2/2014 10:17 AM

He may have told her those things. Is that a dealbreaker for you?

I know it's not easy, but if she really thought it was going to happen, her or her "friends" wouldn't be begging you to let him go. Can you change your emails?

seethelight posted 7/2/2014 10:35 AM

He may have told her those things. Is that a dealbreaker for you?

I am not in denial about this. I understand about affairs and their addictive quality.

I believe he may have said these things.

He actually admitted finally to telling her he loved her, but he said in his mind it was just a game. The romance of it, yadda yadda. But he denies saying he would leave me and the emails support that.

Over and over he asked her if she knew this was just an affair and that he would not leave his wife, and she said she understood this, over and over.

Who knows what to believe about what he said in person. I mean so many lies were told already.

No it's not a deal breaker if he said it. It's only a deal breaker if he meant it.

I may leave him anyway. But not because of what the OW says. Just because lying and being sneaky is not a trait I like in a person.

I know it's not easy, but if she really thought it was going to happen, her or her "friends" wouldn't be begging you to let him go. Can you change your emails?

No. It's a work email on my website. I have to have a website for my business with an public email.

Your thoughts are interesting. So, are you saying I should believe the OW and her friends?

My Friends have mentioned that the OW was lying to her own husband, and thus she would have no qualms about lying to me, to cause problems.

Initially, she would call and tell me she was at lunch with my husband, and when I would check, he was at his office, by all accounts, alone.

The OW was like a cat playing with a mouse.

My husband says he literally hates her, now. And, can't stand the thought of her, because when he was with her, he was not the kind of man he wants to be.

This was a man who at first defended her and said she was a nice lady.

His expression when he speaks of her, now, is definitely one of disgust. No doubt about that. He literally gags as if he is going to barf.

Still, I believe he did say those things to her and now he is in denial about his true word, because he feels ashamed of the affair.

Embers2Fire posted 7/2/2014 11:01 AM

He may or may not have said those things to her, that is neither here nor there at this point. What matters now is the renewed commitment he has made to you and your marriage. Is he doing all the work he needs to do emotionally and psychologically for this reconciliation with you? If he is than that is all that matters now. If you have chosen to reconcile than you have to be able to leave the past behind you learn from it but live in the here and now with him. I know that is easier said than done but the choice is yours. I wish you all the best.

Lalagirl posted 7/2/2014 11:24 AM

((((seethelight))))

She's full of shit (and so are her "friends")

It takes a special kind of chicken shit to put her friends up to sending harassing e-mails to you.

She's trying to break you down - still playing cat/mouse but IMO, I don't think it's because she wants your FWH, she wants to hurt you because he hurt her.

I know this because I've been there - and the shit went on for a couple years (annonymous internet texts saying he was leaving me, he was no good, etc.) - this was ages after NC and I too know for sure he had nothing to do with her and cannot stand her. And funny...she never sent one of these texts to FWH...just to me....sound familiar?

As far as dealing with it emotionally, that's hard. But don't ever let her or anyone she knows see you sweat. I promise it will dwindle then go away. You can always change your e-mail, but I know that can be a hassle. I'm so sorry...

Hugs...

heme posted 7/2/2014 11:35 AM

Are you sure its a "friend" sending the e-mails and not her?

Personally Id ignore them. If they get really frequent Id look into a restraining order because anyone willing to e-mail people and harass them at their work e-mail is a bit off their rocker.

mentalmess posted 7/2/2014 11:43 AM

The bunny boiler that my husband exposed his family to did this exact same thing. She would "pretend" to be a friend of ow and send emails to my work telling me "what a good person" ow was and dropping all sorts of misleading details.
I kept them in case I need a restraining order but after the first one I never read them. I just put them in a file.
My husband says she used to complain that she had no woman friends. Probably cause she would fuck their husbands
My advice is don't read them. These types of obsessed women are delusional and spout all sorts of ridiculous fantasies. They don't want to admit they were used and kicked to the curb the minute the affair was exposed.If you are worried about possible threats make your husband read them, The state I live in requires physical threats before granting a RO. We haven't had any attempted contact in nine months so hopefully she has found another man to harass.

seethelight posted 7/2/2014 11:52 AM

Embers:

That's the problem.

He is not doing all he should be doing.

He certainly is not doing what the wayward spouses here who are remorseful suggest that a wayward do.

He will not even listen to the MC or IC.

When they question this about him, he says he is stubborn.

The OW calling is not helping me heal, either.

I found out about an hour ago, that her husband has filed for divorce, and that is likely why she was triggered to send he email to me.

My husband is now concerned that she will show up at his office and cause problems at work.

He is also afraid she might become aggressive with me. At least that is what he says.

I am looking for opinions on how to get rid of her.

Any advice from anyone who successfully derailed a stalking OW, or who has suggestions how will be helpful.

It's truly difficult to forget about her, when she "will not be ignored" to quote glen close in fatal attraction.

seethelight posted 7/2/2014 12:02 PM

Thanks Lalagirl, hemes, and mental mess:

Your suggestions and comments have been helpful.

Thank you.

I am open to any and all others advice on anyone who has had to deal with a bunny boiler.

Oh, my IC thinks it's the OW.

And, also in my state, it's very difficult to get a restraining order without violence.

I can't even get the courts or police to file to trace the anonymous mail service, in my state.

One of the upsides is that my spouse is getting more and more upset by her behavior.

ButterflyGirl posted 7/2/2014 12:06 PM

So she wants you to do anything BUT ignore her.

So, ignore her.. Emotionally, it's the best move. Move along with your day.

Do some detective work if you think your WH might be lying. Maybe he *has* given her some excuse to still have hope.

And yea, those were all sent from OW..

Lalagirl posted 7/2/2014 13:22 PM

He is not doing all he should be doing.

He certainly is not doing what the wayward spouses here who are remorseful suggest that a wayward do.

He will not even listen to the MC or IC.

This. Is. Not. Cool.

If anything, you being in any type of danger should light a fire under his ass and change his way of dealing with his very poor choice. He MUST address his issues in IC/MC.

Stubborn? No. It's cruel. Are you doing the 180?

confused615 posted 7/2/2014 13:34 PM

This woman won't stop harassing you. If it were me, I would tell my attorney that ignoring g isn't working and tell him to send her a letter telling her if she contacts either of you again, that you will be pressing charges.

I hope you have saved all of her attempts at contact..it will provide evidence for a restraining order.

Considering that the has continued for two years..and now your husband is concerned she will show up at his office, or possible physically attack you, the letter from the attorney is your best bet.

And if she ignores that? Follow through and press charges.

musiclovingmom posted 7/2/2014 13:51 PM

You should be able to retrieve the IP address where the email originated without the police. I'm not tech savvy enough to know how, but I can think of at least 3 of my friends who are just off the top of my head. If you don't want to share details, just find someone to show you how and do it yourself. I'm betting most of the emails come from one (maybe two) IP addresses. Where I live, that would be enough for the police to at least investigate the owner/users of that IP for harassment.

Charity411 posted 7/2/2014 14:21 PM

I didn't have a stalker OW. I had a stalker ex boyfriend. I agree with confused. If this persists you need to press charges. I had to do that in my case to make it stop. He was doing a lot of the same things. He would have his friends call me or email me begging me to take him back. He had his mother call my sister. He called my friends and begged them to try and talke me into taking him back. And much more. When I read about your situation it all comes rushing back.

In my case I documented everything. Be very specific and detailed. Save everything. The first time I went for a restraining order it was denied but the judge admonished him to have no contact with me. After six months of continued contact I went to court again. I was granted a restraining order that time. When it continued, he was charged with stalking and harrassment. It finally stopped then.

I never hired an attorney. I went to see our local states attorney armed with all my documentation. He never physically threatened me, so at first I didn't think I could get a restraining order. But that isn't the case. The bottom line is no one has a right to continue to contact you when you have documented proof that you have ordered them to stop and that they read it. In my case I sent an email to him listing all the things he was to stop doing immediately. Like calling my friends, putting poems about me in the local paper, leaving letters on my windshield or under rocks in my yard, etc. etc. etc. He was so angry at the email he responded to it and I had my proof that he read it and understood it. I had the printed copy of it with me in court.

I agree that in most cases ignoring is the best thing to do. But there are some cases in which it just doesn't work, and you shouldn't be forced to live a life of dread.

OneBrokenGirl posted 7/2/2014 17:48 PM

I agree with Heme....I bet it's the OW sending the emails. Setting up an email account and pretending to be someone else takes only a few minutes. I'd report the emails to the provider... Yahoo.. Google...whomever they are coming from. They can trace them to an ip address if they earned to...

seethelight posted 7/3/2014 09:36 AM

Thanks all for your awesome input.

It is so nice to know that there are people going through the same stuff and who have offered possible solutions.

You all rock. I will check out all the suggestions and attempt to implement them.

Thanks a bunch.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/3/2014 09:45 AM

Over the years, I've read quite a few relationship boards - some of them OW support boards.

A very common theme among most OW who post on these boards is the same tired story about how most married men won't leave their wives because of their children, or because they don't want to give up 'half their financial stuff,' or because they refuse to be a weekend father, or because they'll appear to be a failure to their friends, family and coworkers.

Very rarely, if ever over the years, have I read a post from an OW who claims her MM is very much in love with his wife and is only looking for some cheap thrills outside the marriage. Why is that? Because most OW wouldn't waste their time on a guy they think is using them for a good time and nothing more (the sexually 'looser' ones do, however).

Most need to hear those empty words of love and promises of a bright future together, and most GET that from their MM (if the guy wants her to continue providing him with ego strokes and lots of hot sex).

So it's likely your H probably fed her the same garbage most MM feed their OW's in order to keep them doing exactly what it is he wants her to do. It's Cheating #101, really.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 9:46 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

seethelight posted 7/3/2014 13:05 PM

Most need to hear those empty words of love and promises of a bright future together, and most GET that from their MM (if the guy wants her to continue providing him with ego strokes and lots of hot sex).

So it's likely your H probably fed her the same garbage most MM feed their OW's in order to keep them doing exactly what it is he wants her to do. It's Cheating #101, really.

Thank you for that, Neveragain.

Ostrich80 posted 7/3/2014 16:02 PM

She's trying to cause doubt between you and ws. She's trying to cause arguments, tension, and hoping you will either kick him out or decide its not worth it. Don't let her succeed. If you have decided to believe him and you feel he's told you everything you need to know to heal, then don't read those messages. She knows what she's doing, don't let her.

seethelight posted 7/7/2014 10:44 AM

Ostrich:

Thank you for your posting.

I know that what you say is right, and your acknowledgment helps.

Her constant presence however keeps the wounds open and fresh.

I wish I could get rid of her, but she is sneaky and appears to know exactly how to deliver her message which skirts any ramification from police or courts.

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