Instead of looking at the immediate picture (fear of letting go and thinking your life is 'over' if you divorce him) look at the LONG RANGE picture.
Is all this pain, heartache and disrespect really worth it?
The first 4 years in our 10 year relationship, he was seeing other women. His claim was that he didn't think we were going to work out because of our age difference and he did what he did.
He said finally he got his head out of his ass and realized that I was the one for him and he wanted to get married.
This is the same man who told me he had no intentions on getting married (that's where I should have ran). But hearing from his friends they all told me what a great guy he was.
He said that marriage is a different commitment and that he is 100% committed to me, now. Don't know why it had to take him all these years for him to see the love we shared.
I read somewhere. I married someone because I loved them, I left them becasue I loved myself.
Do we love ourselves? Enough? Is this staying with a cheater a sign that we don't think we can find love elsewhere? If we had someone loving us on the side (we were cheaters) would that make leaving easier?
Why are we holding back? For love? We have to think about this carefully.
[This message edited by steppingup at 1:16 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]
I won't give up on him or on us - because I love him, always have and always will.
Something inside of us breaks when we are betrayed. I'm not sure it ever gets completely fixed. Again, to quote SteppingUp, "we are changed. We don't heal." I was going to say that we need to determine if it is worth it - to stay, I mean. But hey! Who am I kidding? If we leave our WS's, we take the hurt they inflicted on us wherever we go...It's a real crappy situation an we have to make the best of it.
(((Yme32313))) You too, SteppingUp! Hugs!!
Focus on the positive changes he has made and cling to the fact that he is now with you and only you. Also, ask yourself how much you are willing to take? In my case, if my H cheats again, no matter how much I love him, he is out of here. For his sake as well as for mine. Knowing that you have left yourself an "out" is somehow comforting.
And, remember, you did nothing to deserve this.
I need to go out more and do other things. I pay the cell bill so I see what goes in and out of our phones. I have his email password and check it so often. He doesn't have a FB (thank God). He said he hasn't been in contact with any of the girls in 5 years (If he's not lying).
I think I moved forward but then I catch myself crying again and I don't want to be doing that.
I was really wanting to know how to cope and move forward.
I was cheated on back in 2001 (married 1983). I will not go into a lot of detail. (his married co-worker)
He asked for a second chance, "itwas a mistake, blah, blah." I too loved my H with all my heart, and also had 3 little kids with him at the time.
He was given the option to D me. I gave him his chance. How did I cope? Time. Lots of it. And he has to show you in all sorts of ways that he is committed just to you.
I healed and coped and got over it and thought we were doing great. No resentment, anger, etc on my part. Actually I tried to be perfect for him most of the time.
Then he did it again. Another married co-worker again. And he got sort of busted. He lied and tried to make me think I was crazy. For 4 yrs he took it the A underground.
I finaly got hard evidence. I threw him out, he filed for D and did the re-writing history to everyone about how unhappy he was and how horrible me and my family was to him for the 26 yrs we were married, blah, blah . .
If you want to stay with him you will once again have to take that leap of faith. Stuff down those insecure, anger and resentment feelings.
Focus on making it work.
But just a word, no matter what you do or don't do or what he does or don't do, there is . . . .no, nada, zip, . . . .guarantee he will not do it again.
Just be careful. I don't want to say once a cheater always a cheater but there is that tendency in him.
Also as mentioned he may stop now that he is getting on in age.
I'm not even in the mood to let him talk to his so called exes or mistresses they are out of his life and they need to stay there. If he wants to know how they are doing then he can be single and go see for himself.
You are definitely on the right track...