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yme32313 posted 7/2/2014 12:33 PM

How many of you have R and think that it was for the best? I'm still in limbo, I love this man with all my heart and soul but I can't stop thinking of what he did to me. We went into a marriage based on lies because he was never up front on what he was doing. I discover all of this 5 months in our marriage to find out how he was meeting and sleeping with other women. Talking to them on the phone before and after he talked me. Got blamed for not being true to him while he was the one that wasn't. Seeing phone records of him still talking to her after asking/telling me that we only need to be with each other. How can I get over this pain? 10 months of dealing with all of this nonsense.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/2/2014 12:43 PM

Yme, it doesn't sound as though this marriage - or you - have ever been honored or respected by him. He has a history of cheating and the truth of the matter is that he's 24 years older than you and STILL hasn't learned how to behave with character or dignity - and he's heading into senior citizen territory. Is it your plan to stay with him until old age eventually stops him in his tracks and he remains true to you only because he can no longer physically cheat on you? Are you prepared to spend your 40's taking care of a man 70 years old whose done nothing but disrespect you?

Instead of looking at the immediate picture (fear of letting go and thinking your life is 'over' if you divorce him) look at the LONG RANGE picture.

Is all this pain, heartache and disrespect really worth it?

yme32313 posted 7/2/2014 12:48 PM

It's not I have so much love for him and our age difference didn't mean anything to me or him. Many people didn't like us being together but we thought we were strong enough to overcome this. We have that against us.

The first 4 years in our 10 year relationship, he was seeing other women. His claim was that he didn't think we were going to work out because of our age difference and he did what he did.

He said finally he got his head out of his ass and realized that I was the one for him and he wanted to get married.

This is the same man who told me he had no intentions on getting married (that's where I should have ran). But hearing from his friends they all told me what a great guy he was.

He said that marriage is a different commitment and that he is 100% committed to me, now. Don't know why it had to take him all these years for him to see the love we shared.

Tigaress posted 7/2/2014 12:51 PM

I completely agree!! Why do you allow him to keep torturing you? What is it that you love so much about him?
Many women are drawn to men who treat them poorly and I'm not even going to attempt to psychoanalyze you. But how would it be if you were with a man who loves YOU with all his heart, treats you with affection and is faithful?
It seems that you've been trying for quite a while with your husband and you might need to consider something other than reconciliation - he is not changing. He will continue to cheat on you if you let him. He does not deserve your love and devotion, let him grow old alone and go enjoy your life and the love you deserve.

soulshattered posted 7/2/2014 12:56 PM

Well gently now, and for what it's worth, since when does it take ANYONE 4 years to decide if a relationship will work? I am a man and guys like this give those of us who have integrity a bad name. So if I understand correctly, he cheated for almost half of your relationship then the coins dropped and he "committed" yet here you are having been cheated on again ... Kick his sorry ass to the curb. If he hasn't developed any good character by now, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting. Sorry you found yourself here, but at least you found out early.

yme32313 posted 7/2/2014 12:57 PM

He did this prior to us getting married. He hasn't done it since we've been married.

steppingup posted 7/2/2014 12:58 PM

I know how you feel. My WW cheated on me when the marriage was not yet 3 years old...she cheated through our anniversary with a close friend of mine. What we BS need to remember is that there is real trama at our deepest levels concerning safety, loyality, honor, respect, etc. etc. and no matter how much therapy, prayers, etc. we will not be made perfect and healed when we stay with the person who openly and willingly betrayed, lied and defiled our marriage, NEVER. If you buy a book that says you can be fully healed, toss it out. No, we are changed, not healed. And part of that change includes feelings that we don't like and wish would go away, insecurity, fear, resentment, etc. For me personally, after a few years it sort of seems like a bad dream, but when I'd watch a moive like "Bridges of Madison County" i'd go into full tail spin and get sick to my stomach for weeks. You are 31, man you have a lot of life left to live...if you dont have children with this man or need him for financial reasons, you might want to move on. My situation is far more complicated, little kids under 6 years, etc. so I have to eat the poop sandwich for awhile. I think one tool is to do new things, things you like, take your mind off it, detach from it when you think about it, force your mind to go somewhere else. Go take a class, meet new people, make healthy relationships outside your marriage (DONT CHEAT - you will make yourself sick). take care.

yme32313 posted 7/2/2014 13:05 PM

I guess my situation is different that most this happen before we got married and he claims that it was before marriage and it wasn't really consider cheating. But what he did was still painful enough for me to be crying most of the time. Yes I'm 31 but I honestly love him and yes he's older than me (I'm not the first to marry someone older). No we don't have any children and I don't need him financially never needed that. I just want help on couples who have R and how they went about it. I don't need anyone critizing me about our age differences.

steppingup posted 7/2/2014 13:14 PM

I feel like sometimes we have to have the courage to say, enough is enough and my feelings matter.

I read somewhere. I married someone because I loved them, I left them becasue I loved myself.

Do we love ourselves? Enough? Is this staying with a cheater a sign that we don't think we can find love elsewhere? If we had someone loving us on the side (we were cheaters) would that make leaving easier?

Why are we holding back? For love? We have to think about this carefully.

[This message edited by steppingup at 1:16 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

yme32313 posted 7/2/2014 13:28 PM

Right now I have no love for myself. I'm lucky if I can even get up in the morning.

needfriendshere posted 7/2/2014 13:30 PM

You poor thing. What I am hearing is that you love him and want to make it work. The age difference is not an issue for you. And you believe with all your heart that any cheating he did was before you were married. But you hate that you can't stop thinking about it. Like SteppingUp says, "part of R includes dealing with feelings that won't go away." I think that for many of us who have selected R, obsessing over the facts of our WS's infidelity becomes a fact of life. You are not alone. You say you can't stop thinking of what he did to you. Neither can I. And my H is trying so hard.

I won't give up on him or on us - because I love him, always have and always will.

Something inside of us breaks when we are betrayed. I'm not sure it ever gets completely fixed. Again, to quote SteppingUp, "we are changed. We don't heal." I was going to say that we need to determine if it is worth it - to stay, I mean. But hey! Who am I kidding? If we leave our WS's, we take the hurt they inflicted on us wherever we go...It's a real crappy situation an we have to make the best of it.

(((Yme32313))) You too, SteppingUp! Hugs!!

yme32313 posted 7/2/2014 13:35 PM

I'm agreeing with the both of you. If I were to leave I'd take the pain with me and I wouldn't trust anyone if I started dating again. R is going to be a rough road, I was really wanting to know how to cope and move forward.

needfriendshere posted 7/2/2014 13:48 PM

The best way to cope and move forward is to not make your entire life be all about him. Try Yoga. It is amazingly relaxing and gets you into a positive frame of mind. Eat well - healthy foods that fuel your body and make you feel good. And see your friends. For a while, I shut out everybody and that was probably the worst thing I could do. Now I plan outings with the girls where I can escape the reminders of what he did. Read books that are not about why men cheat or how to heal from the pain of an A.

Focus on the positive changes he has made and cling to the fact that he is now with you and only you. Also, ask yourself how much you are willing to take? In my case, if my H cheats again, no matter how much I love him, he is out of here. For his sake as well as for mine. Knowing that you have left yourself an "out" is somehow comforting.

And, remember, you did nothing to deserve this.

Tigaress posted 7/2/2014 13:49 PM

Well, if you're really set on reconciliation then why don't you try the standard approach? I'm only learning it myself but I understand that you request that the cheater never sees the other person again / no contact, then you request full access to all email, iPhone etc. and then you start going to couples counseling. Sounds right? Would your husband agree to those steps?

needfriendshere posted 7/2/2014 13:53 PM

Yup, Tigaress is right, too. You need full disclosure - access to FB and e-mail accounts, etc. Also, at a minimum, you need to be able to talk with him about how you feel - to be reassured, if for no other reason. Talk to him until you start to feel better. As far as MC goes, it only works if he is willing. IC may be a good idea though...

yme32313 posted 7/2/2014 14:05 PM

I'm seeing an IC right now we tried the whole MC thing but she was horrible, blamed the whole thing on me.

I need to go out more and do other things. I pay the cell bill so I see what goes in and out of our phones. I have his email password and check it so often. He doesn't have a FB (thank God). He said he hasn't been in contact with any of the girls in 5 years (If he's not lying).

I think I moved forward but then I catch myself crying again and I don't want to be doing that.

shiloe posted 7/2/2014 14:07 PM

I was really wanting to know how to cope and move forward.

YME

I was cheated on back in 2001 (married 1983). I will not go into a lot of detail. (his married co-worker)

He asked for a second chance, "itwas a mistake, blah, blah." I too loved my H with all my heart, and also had 3 little kids with him at the time.

He was given the option to D me. I gave him his chance. How did I cope? Time. Lots of it. And he has to show you in all sorts of ways that he is committed just to you.

I healed and coped and got over it and thought we were doing great. No resentment, anger, etc on my part. Actually I tried to be perfect for him most of the time.

Then he did it again. Another married co-worker again. And he got sort of busted. He lied and tried to make me think I was crazy. For 4 yrs he took it the A underground.

I finaly got hard evidence. I threw him out, he filed for D and did the re-writing history to everyone about how unhappy he was and how horrible me and my family was to him for the 26 yrs we were married, blah, blah . .

If you want to stay with him you will once again have to take that leap of faith. Stuff down those insecure, anger and resentment feelings.
Focus on making it work.

But just a word, no matter what you do or don't do or what he does or don't do, there is . . . .no, nada, zip, . . . .guarantee he will not do it again.

Just be careful. I don't want to say once a cheater always a cheater but there is that tendency in him.

Also as mentioned he may stop now that he is getting on in age.

Good Luck.

yme32313 posted 7/2/2014 14:28 PM

Since he through that whole "we weren't married when it happen" thing at me I did tell him that if he strays and if it is even where he put himself in the situation that I think he did it again that I would leave. I told him I don't have anything holding me back, yes my love for him is what's holding me back right now but if he were to do it to me again....there's no love at all.

I'm not even in the mood to let him talk to his so called exes or mistresses they are out of his life and they need to stay there. If he wants to know how they are doing then he can be single and go see for himself.

Tigaress posted 7/2/2014 14:29 PM

NICE!

needfriendshere posted 7/2/2014 14:31 PM

Good for you, Yme!

You are definitely on the right track...