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HighlandPaddy posted 7/2/2014 14:59 PM

I explained in "my story" post about my whole history...I caught my wife in her affair about a week ago. At first she was so sorry and broke it off, except for work emails becuase they had to work. Then I find out, well there were still some personal/relationship emails shooting back and forth.
I confront her again. She cries and cries explaining how she is sorry for the A, but needs this friendship and how much it means to her. I say that your a grown woman and do what you have to do. So she goes and hooks up with him again.
Of course I bust her again, and all hell breaks loose. This time she says she means it its all over. I grab her phone call her little boyfriend and unleash hell on his ass. He apologized and said he woudl walk away. TBH, he was very sincere and right now I have more respect for him than I have for my wife.
Anyway, she sulks for days afterward. Often just staring at her phone holding back tears. She slowly wears me down, saying she wishes she could just have her friend back...and she won. I caved in and told her that if she promised to remain just friends then I'd be ok. SHe gave me total access to her phone and messages. So I check in on them.
To me the messages are not just of mere friends but that of lovers. I confronted her and said eventhough the PA is over, I still feel as if this is an EA. SHe denied that and made me feel like I was being crazy...and somehow by the end of the 4 hour conversation I was saying sorry...

I'm lost folks. I dont know what to believe, but I know this isnt right. But I dont know what to do now. I feel like such a chump. Like I was fooled.

StillGoing posted 7/2/2014 15:04 PM

TBH, he was very sincere and right now I have more respect for him than I have for my wife.

Why believe him any more than your wife? He's been lying to and disrespecting you just as much as she has.

They can't be friends. Ever. You need to decide if you want your wife to have a boyfriend or not, and if she won't show you the minimal respect required of a relationship, you have to decide whether or not you want to remain in this relationship with her.

The affair has never ended. It is still full on 100% whatever it was before. The only difference now is that it has your sanction because you are confused as all hell, hurting and she is abusing that.

Just to repeat: they cannot ever be friends. They are still having an affair. She should not even still be working at the same job with him if she wants to R with you, IMO. That cut and dry.


What she is doing to you is called gaslighting, by the way.

Here are a couple of posts you may want to read:

[This message edited by StillGoing at 3:06 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

norabird posted 7/2/2014 15:05 PM

You are being gaslit. No contact means that--no contact. Not 'well now it's just an EA so that's fine'. Stand up for what you need and draw your boundaries. Be willing to lose the M. What you have now is just killing you slowly.

HighlandPaddy posted 7/2/2014 15:09 PM

I feel like such a fool. Like why does she even think this is all ok? I couldn't imagine being selfish enough to try and convince her that I was still going to have a relationship with another woman after having had physical relations with her. WHy did I ever think this would be ok? Now if I tell her that I'm not ok with this arrangement, it will all be on me. I'm the one who told her to go ahead with it, now I'm the one who is making all confusing. How I'm ripping this friend away from her...

lilacs40 posted 7/2/2014 15:11 PM

I agree it will kill you slowly.

It's like the frog on boiling water. The heat gets turned up a bit at time until its too late.

Don't fall it, remain strong and demand the respect you deserve. You're worth so much more. When you feel you're going to waver (and believe me there will be many time you feel this way) walk away from her.

lilacs40 posted 7/2/2014 15:13 PM

DO NOT feel that. You have every right to change your mind that your WW give up her boyfriend.

You're not ripping anything from her except a "friend" she shouldn't have anyway.

HighlandPaddy posted 7/2/2014 15:15 PM

I guess I keep hoping that she will do the right thing by me at some point....and I just have to realize that its never going to happen.

norabird posted 7/2/2014 15:20 PM

At some point, you have to realize that your wanting your WW to reform does not make her capable of doing so. And when that happens, you can start dealing with the reality of her actions and what they say instead of denying the gravity of the situation.

It is never too late to take a stand for yourself.

Lark posted 7/2/2014 15:22 PM

She has no right to try and play a pity party because she lost her "friend." Let alone even trying to wear you down with that line of BS. 180 her. She still works with the guy? If she cant even uphold a very basic "stop the affair - all aspects of it" - then thats what she chooses and you have to decide if you can be in a 3 person relationship

[This message edited by Lark at 4:36 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

TheClimb posted 7/2/2014 15:23 PM

I guess I keep hoping that she will do the right thing by me at some point

She very well might, but not while still in contact with the OM. It took my husband a while to start doing the right things without me telling him what he needed to do. This is a long journey you are on and you will have more bad days then good for a while. But it does get better!

I would suggest you 180 her. My husband did not stop talking to the OW until I told her, in front of him, that he was all hers. I was out. She is being disrespectful towards you by keeping him as a friend. Is he married? If so, call his wife and let her know what happened. I bet that friendship will be over like yesterday. Your wife will be pissed... too bad. She can't have you both.

Lark posted 7/2/2014 15:24 PM

It may eventually happen, but not as long as she knows she can be a cake-eater

painfulpast posted 7/2/2014 15:27 PM

She slowly wears me down, saying she wishes she could just have her friend back...and she won. I caved in and told her that if she promised to remain just friends then I'd be ok.

This isn't her friend, it's her boyfriend. Tell her the arrangement is off. She has SEX with this man! She is NOT going to be friends with him AND remain married to you. She's sulking? Fine - do the 180. She's whining to you that 'she needs this friendship.' Fine - tell her to back a bag, get out, and then go find her friend.

Now if I tell her that I'm not ok with this arrangement, it will all be on me.

Bullshit. NO expert has ever encouraged remaining in contact with the AP. They state that, if a marriage is to survive, there must be NO CONTACT.

This is completely in your hands. Will you accept a wife that cries unless you give her permission to have an ongoing EA (and if you think they won't have sex again if they stay in contact, you're believing WAY too much of her garbage), or will you enforce a very simple boundary/vow - forsaking all others.

Have you read the 180? I suggest you start it, now. It's not to teach her a lesson, or to get any reaction from her. It's for you to start detaching, to gain some space from this disgusting situation she's created and is begging to continue, and to become stronger.

You don't need to deal with this or her, at all. And you shouldn't.

EDIT: No, she won't eventually realize a thing. Why should she? She's in paaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiin. The nicer you are, the more justified she'll feel.

No consequences = no change. You need to show her that this is NOT going to be tolerated for another second.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 3:29 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

Mercilesslynuked posted 7/2/2014 15:28 PM

Wait, so let me get this right... You had an EA, and she crucified you for that, but when she wants to simmer her PA down to an EA (which is in the running for dumbest wayward comment of 2014 ), it's ok for her? This is a double standard, and reeks of pure hypocrisy. If you let her eat her cake, she'll keep eating it. Slam the bakery door shut on her.

Schadenfreude posted 7/2/2014 15:30 PM

HP, your last comment was the first step in realizing that your WW has checked out of the marriage. She may be struck by lightning and have a change of mind, but she refuses to give up her affair. There is nothing you can do to control her behavior. You can only control your own.

So what to do? Separate yourself from her for your own peace of mind. Read up on the 180. It's meant to separate you from her, not to control what she does. Your goal, like that of the Zen masters, is indifference. It seems impossible now, but many have attained that state of mind. Refer to healing library. FAQ for BS.

You should also contact a lawyer to learn your rights and responsibilities in a divorce. That way you lose some fear of the process. And I believe divorce is a real possibility. The sooner you detach and decide, he less pain you will feel and the sooner you will get on with your life.

Reconciliation is impossible with an unrepentant spouse. And that's exactly what you have.

To ask the simple rhetorical question: do you want a marriage involving three people?

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 3:32 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

Razor posted 7/2/2014 15:34 PM

I guess I keep hoping that she will do the right thing by me at some point....and I just have to realize that its never going to happen.

You are granting her permission to continue on with her affair. She gets to have you around for stability and whatever. AND she gets to keep OM in the wings for the thrill of it.

You are setting yourself up for destruction. Because you are allowing her affair to continue she will keep it going. Why not? There are no consequences to your WW for keeping it going. So she will.

Can you see yourself leaving your WW? Its a hard decision. Basically are you willing to blow up your whole life to save yourself?

Why do you feel so unworthy of a woman that would NOT cheat on you? Has your self esteem always been so low? Do you feel this is what you deserve?

Allot of advice given here are things that you may not be willing to do now. And I dont want to push you in a direction that you are unwilling or unable to go in.

On your own you have to come to the conclusion that you DO deserve better than what your WW is giving you. And because of that you will force your WW to choose. Either you and the life she has with you. Or OM and whatever he offers.

Once you realize that you are worthy of something better you can find the strength to stand up for yourself. And stand your ground. And demand better.

I think that sometimes we have to be willing to loose the M in order to save it.

Secrets Kept posted 7/2/2014 15:38 PM

Read your whole story & just wanted to say that if your WW has issues dropping her newest OM, ask her how she would feel if you were still contacting your EAP. You know.....the one you didn't even have sex with.

No matter what happened with you EA, your wife has done MUCH worse & has cheated on you multiple times. Doesn't matter how much time has passed or not. She is still a serial cheater so stand your ground, grow a pair & take control.

I am a Catholic girl too, but don't let that hold you in a marriage that may not be workable. If your WW is not on board 200%, then it is doomed anyway & from what it sounds like, she is just blame-shifting & wants to forget about all of her encounters & OM. So what if she came right out & admitted everything. She still had sex with OM besides her husband & that is so wrong on all counts, no matter her age at the time.

Is this the marriage you want your son to base his future relationships on??? That is what needs to fall under your "catholic" consideration, not keeping the marriage together no matter what.

Sending hugs & much strength your way.

HighlandPaddy posted 7/2/2014 15:50 PM

I'm in tears after reading all your responses. I've never felt so emotional and just to be able to talk to people about this is amazing. I cannot thank you all enough. I'm shaking with emotion right now.
I dont know how to proceed or what I should do. I believe that it is smart of me to just hold fast for the time being. Just give it some time for the dust to settle and then make a move.

I am going to give her the No contact ultimatum this weekend. I just have to gather up the strength...

painfulpast posted 7/2/2014 15:56 PM

I am going to give her the No contact ultimatum this weekend. I just have to gather up the strength...

Please, don't put yourself through that. It shouldn't take courage to tell your wife her boyfriend needs to go. These next few days are going to beat you down. Please tell her tonight - it ends NOW. Let her whine and cry, and ignore her. Tell her you aren't interested in a wife that has a boyfriend and ignore it.

Trust me - you will feel SO much better the first time you stand up for yourself here.

Mercilesslynuked posted 7/2/2014 15:59 PM

Painfulpast is exactly right, you will be happy you did. Standing up for yourself and demanding what any even REMOTELY reasonable person would expect is a version of self love and is very important to the healing process, please do not neglect that side of your being!

Holly-Isis posted 7/2/2014 16:04 PM

If you don't do something this will just be another instance of her cheating on you and you just accepting it.

You have taught her you value yourself so little she can cheat on you over and over and you'll accept it.

She has no reason to stop cheating until you show her you believe in two people in a M. Not three, not four...not one. TWO. That you accept if she can't live with that, D is the only choice.

Otherwise, she's shown you that you will spend your M sharing her with various men.

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