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LonelyHusband posted 7/2/2014 15:52 PM

3 years and 9 months ish past d day.

We're doing well. Buying our first house, and have agreed to start a little family once we are in our new home. I would never have dreamed this was a possibility.

She's moved on from the affair I think. Sorted herself out. Grown up. Lots of counselling, lots of reading. I still have to police her boundaries every now and again because I am still so much more conscious of them than her, and boundaries are still, and probably always will be, a much clearer line in the sand for me, but we talk about it when it happens and we agreed a plan going forwards. I think I the top of the slippery slope is a little further back for me so I police myself even more passionately.

I have mostly good days, and the odd bad day. On good days I am a new person. A little scarred I think, and a little bitter about life, but altogether a more grown up and thoughtful person. On bad days I am grumpier than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. I run, swim, and basically try to work it out. We do argue, but we talk them out, and we both try new strategies for bringing arguments to a close rather than escalating them. The days of trying to "win" arguments are done. We spend more time together, and are enjoying each other's company.

The AP made one final move to rebuild a connection with us through a 3rd party, but after I explained categorically to the 3rd party that I would simply beat the AP unconscious on sight before giving him the the opportunity to speak, the AP subsequently moved to the other end of the country and is out of our lives forever. A breach of NC, but one done with discussion and agreement, and it had the desired result.

In the last three years we have seen the death and rebirth of our marriage. We've lost both our cats, including my little kitten that kept be going in the darkest times, a grandmother and a father. It's been a tough few years, but we are seeing sunshine now.

So I guess you CAN survive infidelity. You don't get over it. I think I'm changed for life. Mostly in good ways, but I'm not care or worry free any more and I will always miss that. I also love my wife dearly but sometimes look at her and remember those times with intense sadness. I know she feels and always will feel a remorse that is beyond my sadness. She gave away her soul, and knows a little part of her can never be reclaimed, a little part of our relationship will always be somewhat tainted with sorrow. So, you don't get over it, but you can go through it. If there are two of you, and if you hold hands through the process, grit your teeth, and kick the shit out of life together. It also never ends. People on here ask "when does it stop". The pain lessons, but never completely goes away. The attention you have to give your marriage never stops. If anything you learn to give it more and more.

I've found myself dwelling on the marriage vows many times over the past 3 years. The vows in the UK insist you "promise" to love each other. You "promise" to be faithful and loyal. If it were easy, you wouldn't have to promise. If it didn't take active work, you wouldn't have to promise. Marriages take work, and that's the big lesson I've learned from this.

the insides our our wedding rings says "never give up". that caused me a lot pain in the early days. Now it is a mantra to live life by.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 3:56 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

jo2love posted 7/2/2014 16:07 PM

What a beautiful update. I'm glad R is going well. I'm sorry for your losses.

It looks like you two have a bright future ahead of you.

karmahappens posted 7/2/2014 16:09 PM

Good to see you LH!

Congrats on the new home! I wish you both success and Love filling the bedrooms with little ones ♡

Glad to hear you both are doing well.

tired girl posted 7/2/2014 16:19 PM

I have actually been wondering about the two of you lately. Glad to hear that you guys are doing well. Things definitely start looking up in year three it seems. Congrats on your house and I wish you luck and happiness with starting a family.

DixieD posted 7/2/2014 16:23 PM

I've been wondering how you and OKM are doing. Glad to hear things are well. Thanks for the update. Congrats to you both!

We do argue, but we talk them out, and we both try new strategies for bringing arguments to a close rather than escalating them. The days of trying to "win" arguments are done. We spend more time together, and are enjoying each other's company.

This is awesome.

LonelyHusband posted 7/2/2014 16:32 PM

Things definitely start looking up in year three it seems

Month 1-3 I wanted to kill myself. I didn't because a kitten talked me out of it. Twice. I'm not joking about that. a brown burmese kitten called Eva saved my life.

Month 9-12 I wanted to kill everyone else. I was so angry, so hurt. I didn't trust anyone or anything. We didn't socialise with anyone at all. Year 1 was a very dark place.

Year 2 I just cruised through with no love of life. I just survived. We did lots of counselling, lots of talking. We built the marriage, but argued a lot. We started to remember why we liked each other, but trust was a long time evolving. We socialised but my heart wasn't in it. I just didn't have any life in me. I'd describe year 2 as an empty place.

Year 3 we've found peace. Trust is growing. I feel alive and am having fun being alive again. Now we're learning how to love each other again.

It's not easy, but year 3 is definitely where I have started to see daylight again.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 4:33 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

LonelyHusband posted 7/2/2014 16:42 PM

a few other thoughts for those reconciling, or thinking about it

1. It really does take years, and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. Look at your partner. Are they really worth it? Are they going to commit as much or more than you? If you cannot put hand on heart and say "yes" then my advice is to walk away now.

2. If the answer to the above question is "Yes" then throw your heart and soul into it. Give it everything. However, if it doesn't work out, that's ok to.

3. In the first few months, "3 years" will seem like eternity. It happens more quickly than you might think. Get through each day, the years take care of themselves.

sisoon posted 7/2/2014 16:45 PM

Good to hear from you, especially since the news is so positive. Sorry we never connected so long ago when you were in Chicagoland ... I just lost track of time.

3rd year saw big improvements for me, too.

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:46 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

DixieD posted 7/2/2014 16:48 PM

I just wanted to stop back in and say thank you LH.

We were hitting anger and depression around the same time markers, and I remember some of your threads really helped me a lot. Best wishes for you and OKM for the years to come!

blakesteele posted 7/2/2014 16:49 PM

(((lonelyhusband)))

Wonderfully written and inspiring post.

Your question 1 in your last post concerns me a bit...as I can't swear the answer is yes, but I think it is yes.

But the way you explain your months and years timelines jives with mine pretty completely....up through year 2.

I am on the threshold of starting year 3.

Thanks for taking the time to come back. I hope I do the same for others. I am just now finding the courage to go into the JFO forum and offer support. So much niave hope and CoD actions.....took me back to my DD too quickly for much of the first 1.5 years.

God is with us all.

rachelc posted 7/2/2014 16:57 PM

Your question 1 in your last post concerns me a bit...as I can't swear the answer is yes, but I think it is yes.

same here but I know what the answer is, in my case.

[This message edited by rachelc at 4:57 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

LonelyHusband posted 7/2/2014 17:00 PM

I think in fairness we all can only take our best guess at the start. You only really find out as you go along. That's the leap of courage everyone makes when they reconcile I suppose.

Brandon808 posted 7/2/2014 17:04 PM

So good to hear from you LH. It sounds like you're both in a much better place.

Tred posted 7/2/2014 17:05 PM

Glad to hear things are going well LH! Was wondering how you were doing. Aren't too many of the class of Dec 2011 around much.

LonelyHusband posted 7/2/2014 17:09 PM

Aren't too many of the class of Dec 2011 around much.

DDay for me was end of Oct11, but Nov11 was just a nightmare with the affair ongoing, and Dec11 was when I finally had enough and forced my position, but I know what you mean. I'm not sure whether its a good or bad thing so that few people are still around...

Tred posted 7/2/2014 17:15 PM

I was just going by our registration dates . We were both pretty fucked up back then. Our DDay was a couple of weeks apart. I think I get where you are at.

LonelyHusband posted 7/2/2014 17:19 PM

We were both pretty fucked up back then

lol, do you ever look back and think "how the hell did I get through that." If I was to write down what happened, no-one would believe you could get through it with your sanity!

I found combat less stressful than the early days after d-day. At least then the people trying to hurt me had the decency not to pretend they liked me.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 5:21 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

AFrayedKnot posted 7/2/2014 17:52 PM

I was just thinking about you guys. I am glad things are working out. We are about a month behind you in this process and your timeline is dead on. Thank you for the update. And wishing you continued growth and strength.

Tred posted 7/2/2014 18:33 PM

no-one would believe you could get through it with your sanity!

I'm not quite sure I did . But I made it through with my sense of humor. Good enough.

hopefull77 posted 7/2/2014 20:20 PM

Thank you for this post....I am 19 + months out it gives me hope!

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