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Newest Member: Notnemore (60749)

User Topic: How to say goodbye???
♀ 40913
Member # 40913
Stop  Posted: 4:11 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My DDay was June 8, affair with our neighbor was found by my daughter, through very graphic texts. From the beginning, I knew I wanted to save my marriage, but my husband has been extremely volatile from the beginning. We separated twice, both lasting 2-3 months but never sleeping apart for more than a week. We have been in MC and seeing our pastor, but my BH is just so full of anger, it's palpable. He has been verbally abusive (calling me a whore, a piece of sh#t, disgusting pig) almost daily and after the initial HB period he now never initiates sex and tells me that he's not attracted to me. He tells me that he doesn't love me and the only reason he won't divorce me is so that he doesn't have to pay alimony. Lastly, our arguments have gotten physical several times, with this past weekend being the last altercation. He attacked me in the shower then almost ran me over w/ his car(unintentionally), causing lacerations on my legs and feet. At this point, I'm scared for my physical well being, but still ashamed that I brought him to this point. I know that it's time to file for divorce, but it's killing me to acknowledge that the marriage has failed. My friends don't know the half of what's going on and they're calling me a Lifetime movie...I really had hope that we could restore and rebuild our marriage, I've put 110% of the last 13 months into it, not to mention I've been married to the man for over 20 years...Any replies are appreciated, although I've already heard the leave now advice...anyone recover from similar circumstance? Thanks...

[This message edited by CloudyDae at 4:18 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

Posts: 9 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: USA
♂ 43174
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure others will come along with better wisdom, but here's my .02:

If you've already heard the leave now advice, it sounds like you want to hear the stay advice.

Well, stay then. :)

But the physical (and the emotional, but especially the physical) abuse is no bueno, and you should be concerned for your safety.

You're your own person, and you deserve love and respect. Like my BW said: "Your past is not who you are."

He has anger issues and if he doesn't want to hear it from you, maybe he can hear it from others like your pastor and get the help he needs?

It ends when you want it to end. Divorce, or separation, is not necessarily the end. He could always come around after he has the space he needs to heal. In the meanwhile, you certainly deserve better than to worry about your personal safety, and that's certainly no good for your child(ren) to be around. So addressing that should be the number one priority above all else, in my opinion.

Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: Since 2001

Posts: 552 | Registered: Apr 2014
♀ 42651
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm scared for my physical well being

Please tell that ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ to your friends and family, even if you stay. But I don't think you should stay. Not only for your safety, but your H also sounds very unhappy. It sounds like you know what you need to do, but need support to pull the trigger. No one deserves to suffer abuse, not even cheaters.

Posts: 507 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 24849
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There have been several members who were where you are now. It was hard, but they found the strength to leave. If you love yourself more than you do this abusive man, you will leave. You won't need us to validate your choices. You will leave because you want to model healthy behavior for your DD. You will leave because you value yourself.

FWIW, my first H abused me for years. I stayed. He cheated, I stayed. He beat me for questioning him, beat me for being upset, beat me for breathing. I finally had enough, grabbed my kid, and left.

You can do this. You have to, if not for you, for your daughter. Your H is ramping up and I'm afraid the next wave of violence could yield catastrophic results.

Keep posting - we're here for you.

[This message edited by MissesJai at 4:51 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

MH - 43
Nothing left to give....
"She is clothed with strenth & dignity and she laughs without fear of the future." #BlackLivesMatter

Posts: 7447 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
♂ 43618
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that this is going to be a good lesson in boundaries. 13 months later and and he calls you names? and is getting progressively worse physically? You sound like you are looking for the stay advice. I am seeing this as a little CoD. Or trying to repay a debt, that can never be repaid. You have had 2 separations 2-3 months each. so you are looking at 4-6 of the last 13 months separated?

I can see that you want to save your marriage, and that is noble. But the most important thing is your DC and your safety. You have tried to separate, and this has not changed anything. You have to file. Take pictures of the abuse. This may be enough to snap him out of it.

Be strong!

A wound can be stitched shut, but it decides when it will heal on its own.

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
♀ 40688
Member # 40688
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Short and to the point - your past behaviour does not make you less of a human being deserving of dignity and respect. It is not an excuse or free pass to walk all over you, treat you inhumanely, or abuse you in any manner. It is not your fault that these behaviours lie within your husband, just like your wayward choice wasn't his fault. If it wasn't this catalyst, it could have been something else. The outcome is the same and you need to channel all of your personal growth into strength and self respect, as well as love for you daughter/children.

If you have truly put in dedicated, sincere effort, then this is no longer your battle to fight. You do not need to feel shame for making mistakes, doing everything within your power to fix them, then choosing a different path down the road.

BS 40 (Family Law Attorney...yes, really)
WH 43
DDay Nov 7, 2012 after WH had A while deployed, terrible boundaries due to CSA.

So far, so good.

Posts: 36 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 6

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